Untouchable
by The Romanticidal Edwardian
Summary: I have no idea how I survived that day. All I know is that no one ever touched my bare skin again for the next five years of my life." Bella befriends crazy Alice Brandon and meets Edward Masen, the guy living in her attic. Nothing will be the same. ExB.
1. Half Killed, Near Life

_God damn! We just had a near-life experience, fellas._

_**Fight Club**_, Movie

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(Instrumental)

**The Half Killed** by Dario Marianelli

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I was fourteen when it happened to me.

Even though for years after I tried not to think about it, I could never forget. I don't think anybody would be able to if I couldn't; I was very good at repressing unpleasant things.

It was the last summer I spent in Washington with my father. The last _because _of the accident. My mother was too terrified to let me go back, using her parental authority for the first time. My father, shame-faced and guilt-ridden, agreed, and came to visit me in Arizona instead until the end of high school.

I don't think he's ever forgiven himself, even though it wasn't his fault at all. But I suppose I was his responsibility at the time, so anything that happened to me was a burden on him, whether he could've prevented it or not.

I was bored out of my mind that day. I sat on Charlie's couch that morning with him, and we munched on cereal and watched some show neither of us cared about. I was watching the actual screen, dissecting the static and individual particles that made it up, instead of the show that was on. I don't know if my dad was really watching it or not either. He might very well have been doing the same thing I was doing.

Eventually, he seemed to stir from our lethargic daze. He looked up at me and my eyes, desperate for a change in scenery, met his.

"Do you want to go down to La Push?" he asked. "Hang out with Jake? I know it's pretty boring around here."

I smiled a little at that. Charlie was always very straight forward. No sugar-coating with him. I loved him for it.

"Sure Dad. Sounds fun."

So we loaded up into the cruiser, the Traffic-Stopper as I affectionately named it, and made our at-speed-limit-and-sometimes-slower way to the reservation outside of Forks, located next to the ever-freezing Pacific ocean.

Over my visits here, the shabby yet cozy red shack that was the Blacks' house had become a place of comfort for me. At Charlie's house, there was never really anything to do. But I had found a friendship with the Native American boy, Jacob Black, who lived here. He made the summers I spent here better, easier, and all-in-all more enjoyable for me, to the point where it wasn't a pain to come here, and I almost didn't want to leave when the time came. He was two years younger than me, but it never affected how we got along, and so it wasn't something I thought about or took into consideration unless we started talking about school.

I hopped out of the cruiser excitedly and ran to the Blacks' door, knocking with the energy that finally moving around had given me. I heard Billy telling Jake to get the door just as Charlie finally caught up to me on the steps, and then the door was opening to reveal the wide, almost chubby face of my twelve-year-old friend. But his face was perfect for him because if he had any other one, his wide smile wouldn't have fit, and then he just wouldn't be Jacob. That was how I always thought about it.

"Bella!" he greeted me enthusiastically.

I grinned, just as happy, but naturally much more reserved with my emotions. He stepped out of the way and Charlie and I stepped into the house.

"Charlie," Billy smiled from his wheel chair. He sat at the small, rickety kitchen table, eating breakfast. "Hungry?"

"Nope, already ate. Just thought we'd come bother you," Charlie responded in his dry, almost gruff voice - but that was just a voice that I had come to coin as a 'dad' in my head. If he sounded different, he wouldn't be my dad, I reasoned.

I was feeling restless again after being inside for days. Just the walk from the cruiser to the house had been refreshing. "Can Jake and I go play outside please?" I asked politely.

"Yeah, that seems fine to me," Charlie told me. He turned to Jake's father. "Billy?"

"I don't mind. Just watch my boy Bella."

"Dad," Jake pouted. "I don't need looking after."

"You're twelve years old Jake. I'm gonna disagree with you there kiddo."

I laughed at Jacob as he sulked. "Will do," I saluted Billy, before opening the door again and leading the way outside.

Jake shut the door behind us and followed me off the porch. "What do you want to do Bella?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Walk around? Let's go down to the beach."

"Alright, if you want to," he agreed easily, and we started walking towards the La Push beach, taking a familiar path through grassy lots, sidewalks, and people's fenceless backyards. Jake chattered away happily next to me, but not in an annoying way. It was nice to listen to him. He was a cheerful, good-natured boy with funny things to say, and I wasn't really required to talk if I didn't want to. One of the many reasons we got along well.

The sky swirled with grey clouds over our heads, but it wasn't an ominous thing or even an excuse to duck for cover - it was just Washington weather. I'd gotten used to it over the years.

It began to rain lightly as we reached the beach, making me scowl. Used to it, yes. Liked it, no.

"What now?" Jake asked.

I shook my head. "Keep walking, I guess," I laughed, heading up the beach, where the land sloped at an incline, leading to cliffs and woods and dirt roads.

"You know, when you asked if we were going to go play, I thought you meant it," he joked genially with me. He walked next to me nevertheless, his hands in his pockets, whistling tunelessly. I shot an envious look at him.

"What?" he asked, nervous, finally noticing my jealous stare a few minutes after I'd been doing it. We were making good head-way up the beach.

"I wish I could whistle," I confessed. "But I just can't, somehow."

"But it's easy," he said, surprised, his eyes widening.

"For _you_," I frowned.

"No, for anyone. All you have to do is pucker your lips and put your tongue behind your teeth kinda…it's not so easy to describe, but it's easy to do."

"Thanks for the great advice," I told him sarcastically. More and more trees were popping up on the edge of the beach as we got closer to the woods.

"Not my fault you're whistling handi-capped. I was only doing it because you're denying me any kind of fun."

"Well what do _you _want to do then?" I asked, half-annoyed since _he'd_ asked _me _what I wanted to do, and half-curious at the same time.

He shrugged. "I don't know," he said, but I didn't believe him because of the sly grin spreading up his lips. His smirk grew the widest right before he reached out and pushed my arm.

"Tag, you're it!" he screamed, and ran off.

"H-hey! No fair!" I cried after him, him already having a decent head-start. I hated running as a general rule, but he had challenged me now and I couldn't turn it down. I started running after him, the sand slowing me down until we reached the woods. We were much more noticeably up-hill, and the rain was falling a little harder, but that didn't matter.

Jacob was laughing his head off as he raced way in front of me, but I tried my hardest to keep up. We broke the cover of the trees and for once, blasted tree roots were used in my favor. Jacob tripped over one, sprawling to the ground, and I caught up, kicking his leg as I passed.

"You're it!" I panted, almost wheezing. Physical exercise was not my strong point, but I didn't want to lose, so I pushed my self harder.

I heard Jacob grumbling way behind me, and laughed breathlessly as I sprinted through the trees. I saw a more open patch to the side and ran for that, hoping that would lead to more even ground I couldn't kill myself on.

"Bella, no!" I heard Jacob scream right as I broke through.

It was not more even ground. It was a cliff face.

My body recognized the danger before my mind did. My heart pounded erratically, but not from the exertion; fearful sweat broke out on the back of my neck; and I tried skidding to a stop, coming to a stop at the very edge of the cliff.

But I was still unbalanced. I waved my arms around wildly, trying to find equilibrium, the grey, choppy waters threatening me far, far below. Vertigo swept over me, making me dizzier. I was fighting a losing battle. Jake burst through the patch then too, his eyes wide with fright before he made a wild grab for me. But it was too late.

I was screaming before I even realized that I was falling.

My stomach shot up to my throat, an uncomfortable tingling pressure deep inside, like when you go down the big drop on a roller coaster.

Except this was no roller coaster.

The dark waters lapped high, as if trying to reach up and drag me down faster. My eyes frantically searched for sharp rocks I was to be impaled on, but found none before I cut through the surface of the water.

At first, I felt better. The drop was what had been scary. As I landed in the water and didn't get jabbed with a rock or anything else, my immediate thought was that I was going to be okay. I could swim to the shore. This was just a big scare - I just had to figure out which way was up in the black water.

The current, however, didn't like that idea.

Before I could even flail my arms and legs to swim, I felt water so forceful it had to be powered by something else slinging me around. My eyes and nose stung with the salt water. My mouth tasted horrible.

My lungs were beginning to burn.

I had very little air in my lungs. After all my running, and then my screaming as I fell, I didn't have much of an air supply left to me. The urge to gasp was over-whelming and I tried to repress it.

I felt myself being flung and twisted, being dragged either sideways or downward or diagonal - it was absolutely impossible to tell.

The water was freezing, numbing my body quickly. I tried to swim, but it was like dust in a waterfall.

Doomed to drown.

I felt the realization hit me suddenly as my lungs screamed at me, paining me, begging me to find air. I was going to die. I had been playing tag just a minute ago and now I was going to die in this merciless ocean that didn't know that I existed and didn't know that it was going to end that existence, and frankly, didn't care.

Fourteen was a strange age for everyone I think. Back home at school, death and suicide were popular topics discussed amongst my peers - some with revulsion, some with morbid curiosity.

Remembering some of their glorified conversations, I also realized simultaneously that none of them knew a damn thing about life or death. I was starting to understand a thing or two. Too bad it was too late for all that.

My eyes drifted shut, trying to quell the stinging in them, to find some kind of relief against the numbing pain of the cold, the burning pain of my lungs, and the sad pain of my mind that was unlocking and saying _goodbye_.

I felt something on my back then. Very light. Like a cold breeze. You would think I wouldn't be able to feel any more cold, but it was like standing in a frigid, stagnant freezer and then feeling a chilly brush of air against your back.

That's exactly what it felt like. A cool breeze, in the middle of my back.

I almost felt fear. Was it a fish? Some sea creature come to eat me when I wasn't even dead yet? But it didn't feel like an animal. The breeze was solidifying. It almost felt like an ice-cube now. A large one. Maybe a block of ice.

My brain was slowly losing the ability to think as the oxygen dwindled away.

And then the cool breeze was at my mouth, the same process of solidification beginning again until ice-cubes pressed against my freezing lips. In a way in almost felt good. My lips parted of their own accord, and then I felt a cooler breeze in my mouth.

I gasped, finally, and expected the sea water to come rushing into my lungs. But I received something else, something drastically different.

Air.

Oxygen.

Enough to keep me alive and conscious for a few more seconds. I wanted to open my eyes. But I was still so weak. I didn't have the ability to do that yet.

The ice pressed against my back harder, almost as if it was lifting me up.

Or pushing me down.

Was I sinking to the bottom of the ocean? Was I imagining all this?

Was I still alive? Had I ever been alive, or was I asleep, and was about to finally wake up and go home; home to a place I'd never been but knew I belonged in.

I lost the feel of the ice cube. I lost the feel of everything. There was just darkness around me, and I knew I had passed; passed from this life, or passed from my consciousness, or passed from my dream.

But then, what felt like seconds later, I felt pricking stings all over my body. That didn't feel right. And I felt shivering cold all over. Not like with the ice-cube. But numb-cold again, rapidly losing the numb.

And I no longer tasted salt water or that cool breeze.

I tasted oxygen, real oxygen.

I opened my eyes blearily, because I had the strength to do that now.

I was lying on the beach, soaking wet.

And I was alive.

I have no idea how I survived that day. I have no idea what happened while I was underwater.

All I know for sure is what happened because of it.

Two things.

First, I lost my friend, Jacob Black. When he found me on the beach, he was crying from relief, but the moment he touched me, he yelped and jumped back as if I had burned him. A strange look passed his face, something between maybe anger, and fear. Then he took off running. Even though I didn't go home to Phoenix right away after that, I never saw him again. And I knew it was because, for some reason, he didn't want to see me.

And secondly, no one ever touched my bare skin again for the next five years of my life.

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An idea I've had for a while and only recently finished developing completely. And it took a lot of developing.

**I should update soon, I've already started the next chapter. Please review, I would love to hear what you think! I'm kind of nervous about it because this story literally took days of me sitting in a beetle position on my chair, just thinking about how to make it all work. But at least I've got it outlined now.**

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian **


	2. A Different Day

_If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?_

_**Fight Club, **_by Chuck Palahnuik

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There is no love here, and there is no pain.  
Every day is exactly the same.  
I can feel their eyes are watching  
In case I lose myself again.  
Sometimes I think I'm happy here  
(sometimes) sometimes,  
Yeah, I still pretend.

**Every Day Is Exactly The Same** by Nine Inch Nails

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For the first time in five years, I'm going back to Washington.

High school is over and I'm beginning college. But instead of going to a college in Florida, where I'd lived with my mom and her new husband for the past two years, I'd decided that it was time for me to go back to the state that had been haunting me for too long now.

I had repressed those memories of the day at La Push all through high school. Those confused memories that I couldn't explain to myself, much less anyone else, why I was even alive today; _how_ I escaped the tempestuous, indifferent sea that I should have drowned in when I was fourteen.

Because every time I thought about those memories the memory of the cool breeze, of the ice would come back, and that scared me senseless, partly because I had no idea what to make of it. I had no idea what it was. It kept me up some nights; usually after I awoke screaming.

And what scared me more was how I obsessed over those memories when I let them out, pouring over them with not just fear in my broodings, but also curiosity and…almost gratitude.

And that was the real reason I was scared of it.

Because I _wasn't _scared of it. Not as scared of it as I should've been.

I stared at the scenery outside my plane window. I had literally traveled back in time - I had chased the sun. I'd watched the sun come up in Florida this morning; and now I was watching it come again in Washington. It was baffling.

But I knew the only reason I could even see the sun now was because we were flying above the rain clouds. As soon as we started to descend, the sun would disappear, leaving only thick, dark, gloomy weather.

I breathed in deeply, bravely, ready for it.

My curiosity over the chill was only half of my problem.

The other half of it was the fact that I was eighteen years old, almost nineteen, and not once in my entire life had I ever known what it felt like to be held tightly, in a lovers embrace - let alone having ever been kissed, and sex is practically a foreign word in my vocabulary.

After living this many years, a person should feel, or should at least have felt, if only once, like they were desirable.

You know, not even that.

A person should at least feel like they were _touchable_.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. Even when I had tried hugging people in the past, they had shied away from me, leaving me to drop my arms awkwardly at my sides, marveling at how stupid I was to even try. They would laugh about it later of course, play it off like a joke; but they wouldn't touch me. No one would. Not even my own mother.

The mystery of the ice is not the only reason I wake up screaming some nights.

I have a nightmare that reoccurs quite often. In this dream, my skin simply melts away, as if I'm toxic, and when I try to reach out to people they run away. And if I do manage to touch somebody, they burn away too.

It's an irrational dream. But it never ceases to make me shriek myself awake, rubbing my hands frantically all over me to make sure my skin is still there and not bubbling and dripping down to the floor.

In the beginning, my mom used to run into the room, scared for me. She'd rub my clothed shoulder, or my sweats-clad leg. But she never hugged me fully, never hugged me in a way that would bring our skin into contact. Eventually, I began wearing turtlenecks, full-length pants, socks, and gloves to bed, just so she would hug me at all. But I was grateful for it all the same. Even when I covered my skin completely, my parents were the only ones who would hug me.

And so my dreams continued. And I wondered, sometimes, if it wouldn't have been better if maybe I'd just drowned in the Pacific after all.

Anything was better than this.

Which was why I needed to go back to Washington. I needed to go back to the part of the country where it all started. Granted, I'd be living in Seattle, going to UW, not living in Forks, but something told me that it wouldn't matter. It was the _essence _of the place that would give me answers, if there were any answers to be gotten. It was the eerie, dripping, ancient forests. It was the damp, drenched greenery. It was the fog, it was the rain, it was the clouds, it was the darkness. It was the timeless magic around the place, where your darkest nightmares seem not only possible, but like they'd been waiting patiently for you all that time.

I'd been shying from my nightmares for too long. I'd been suppressing myself for so many years.

Which was why, even though my mother cried and begged me not to go back, still thinking of me as that fourteen-year-old girl who foolishly fell of a cliff face (or, as I knew she partly believed, jumped off) I was going anyway. There was something deep in my heart tugging me towards it, telling me that this was necessary, that this was what I _had _to do.

My heart hadn't felt anything but emptiness and desolation for such a long time, that when I finally felt this, when I finally felt that tug, that feeling that said 'this is right'…I couldn't ignore it. Because what if I never felt anything like it ever again?

I couldn't keep living like this. I had to convince myself that it was a good thing I had survived all those years ago. And maybe figure out _how _I had.

And more than that, I needed to be _touched_. I needed human contact. I longed for it with every fiber of my being. People took touch for granted. I'd see people in the hallways at high school, their forearms brushing accidentally, fingertips sliding across one another. Couples holding hands. Friends with their arms thrown over each others shoulders. What I wouldn't give for someone to just play with my _hair_.

I was very alone.

Which was why I'd decided that once I settled into Washington I was going to have sex with someone. I didn't understand the strange behavior that had followed me these past five years. Didn't understand peoples avoidance of touching me. But _logically_, there was nothing really stopping anyone. It wasn't like I had a force-field around me. And even though my skin-melting dream still scared me, in my right frame of mind I knew that that too wasn't real.

Maybe there'd just been something wrong with me that everyone had seen. That made them want to avoid me.

But I was hoping I could rectify that here. I mean there had to be _some _nice guy looking to get laid. Because yes, desperate as I was, I still had standards, though they'd broken down over the years. I used to think I wanted to wait until I fell in love. Now that was almost laughable. I figured as long as he was a nice guy, I would be fine. It would be fine. And maybe whatever curse I was under would lift. Maybe if _someone _would just touch me.

The plane landed bumpily at the Seattle airport, the thick clouds effectively blocking the sun, as I knew they would. I pulled on my coat and my gloves. I wrapped my scarf around the bottom half of my face. I pulled my ski cap out and tucked all of my hair under it, pulling it as far down as I could on my neck. I put big sunglasses on.

I was as good as I could make myself to be hugged by my father.

I put on my backpack and lifted my carry-on off the plane with me. People were jostling together in front of me and behind me, eager to get off. But there was a clear circle of free inches of space around me, a remarkable amount in a plane this size. I sighed against my scarf. This wasn't off to a good start.

After going through all the hoops and hurtles of security, I finally made my way out to the terminal to search for my dad. I saw him standing there awkwardly against a pillar. I lifted my sunglasses up for a better look. He looked healthy enough. A little thin, but nothing a couple of home-cooked meals couldn't cure.

"Dad!" I called, waving my hand around until he noticed me. We walked towards each other and I put my sunglasses back on, effectively blocking the rest of my face. Charlie hugged me a little awkwardly, not putting too much pressure into it. My eyes stung a bit but I blinked them back, used to them. I'd really like to be pressed tightly against someone's chest though.

We walked over to the baggage claim and Charlie took my sizeable bag for me. Although it was big, it really wasn't that much when you considered I had everything I'd be living with in it. Whatever I didn't have in there I would have to buy.

"Are you ready for this, Bella?" Charlie asked me in his dry, gruff voice. That hadn't changed. He carried my carry-on bag for me and rolled my big suitcase too. "Moving into a dorm…out of the house…starting college. You know you can come visit me whenever you want right?" he reassured me for the thousandth time. I didn't blame him. He was just being my dad.

"I know," I said patiently. "And if I ever feel the need to I won't hesitate to do so. But I think I'll be fine Dad. I'm all grown up now, remember?"

"Alright…this is just the first time you've been back since…and I don't want you to be nervous."

"I appreciate that. I'm not."

"And I also got you something too."

I eyed him warily. Charlie wasn't a man of surprises; this was new for him. "What is it?" I asked carefully.

"See for yourself," he said, pointing ahead of him. We'd been walking toward his cruiser and right next to it was a beat-up red Chevy truck.

A very familiar beat-up red Chevy truck. I tried my hardest not to think who owned it last because I didn't want to cry.

"I figured you wouldn't want to have to rely on your old man's cop car," Charlie explained awkwardly, his cheeks turning pink. "Thought it'd be a nice present for you."

"It is," I assured him, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Thank you so much Dad. This is great. I was worried about what I was going to do for transportation."

"Well I got you covered," he said gruffly. He cleared his throat and put my luggage in the pick-ups bed, using a utility cord to strap it down. "Erm, you'll have to drive it to the college, but I figured that would be good for you, so you can get the hang of it. I'll drive behind so I can - "

"Uh Dad," I interrupted, blushing. "You don't have to come with me now. I mean…I don't really have that much stuff. I can kinda get set up on my own." And start scoping out the area.

For a dad, he seemed to catch on pretty fast. "Oh - would it be embarrassing if I went with you?"

"In a cop car? Yeah, I think it would give the wrong impression."

"Right." He rubbed the back of neck, which was pink too I noticed. "Well, I'm going to stay in town for the rest of the day. If you do need anything, call me alright?"

"I will," I promised as he gave me the keys to my new car. I felt a small smile light my face. At least that was one less thing I would have to worry about. "I'll call you later though, to let you know how I'm doing and so you can rest easy."

"That's all I'm asking for," he told me, patting my heavily-padded shoulder. I got in my new truck before I had the chance to long for more.

I'd been to Seattle before, and I had heavily studied the area beforehand, so finding the college was not that hard. Finding my dorm was a little bit trickier, but I was used to handling things on my own and I figured it out soon enough, going to the appropriate office, getting registered in, and obtaining my key. And since my luggage had wheels, taking it up to my dorm was not that hard either.

Though the dorms were buzzing with students and adults, excitement and running around, people getting settled in, still no one brushed against me. My hopes were getting crushed one second at a time.

I fumbled the key into the lock and opened my door, entering an empty room with just beds set up. The two beds were unnecessary though. I had already received a letter about my room assignment a long time ago. Apparently they had an uneven number of girls, so there would only be one girl in one of the rooms. Guess which lucky girl that was.

Actually, most people might consider that lucky. But I was tired of being alone. This was not fortunate in any way to me.

I set out on the tedious duty of unpacking and making sure everything was in order, making a list of things I would need to acquire at some point and listening to the rumble and chatter of hundreds of students outside my door and my window.

I had planned on walking around when I was done setting up; mainly for checking out the male population and seeing who be a good enough choice to try to sleep with. But I was much more exhausted than I thought I was. In the end, I just called Charlie and let him know that I was done and that I was alright, and then I passed out on my bed, only removing my shoes, scarf, and sunglasses. I kept everything else on out of habit.

~*~

My alarm didn't wake me up for my first day of college. My eyes just sort of popped open ten minutes before I had to wake up, and I stared up at my ceiling, grey light streaming in through the Venetian blinds. Classes started much later than they did in high school, or else I would've been waking up to the dark.

I turned my alarm off when it rang and got started getting ready for the day, feeling nervousness start to billow and break in my stomach, lapping up at the sides of my intestines sickeningly. Like a hungry ocean.

I hoped I'd be able to keep up with the course work. Because if nothing else worked in my life, I _needed _to be able to, at the very least, have my education. But I'd always been in the AP and Honors classes, so hopefully I'd be fine. I'd _make _myself be fine.

But course work was a fleck of dust from an eraser shaving compared to my nervousness of how I would be treated. Would my new location have helped at _all_? So far that answer was no. But I hadn't really tried to get to know anybody yet either.

So many maybes. So many speculations. No answers.

Slipping on my grey turtleneck, jeans, and leather gloves, I went through my schoolbag one last time, making sure I had everything in it I could possibly dream of needing, before slinging it over my shoulder, reaching for my doorknob, the entrance to the outside world. Trepidation made my hand shake a bit.

My first class was my history course, a class that specialized in the Middle Ages.

Upon entering the room, I found that it was only half full. I guessed people were still at breakfast. There were a couple of students that obviously knew each other, milling about and chatting quietly enough. The new people were easy to pick out. They sat by themselves, pouring over pamphlets and checking their cell phones, or some other solitary activity.

I chose a seat in the middle, close to the side of the room. In front of me was a blond guy chatting amiably to a raven-haired guy. I pulled out my textbook and put up the appearance of looking through that, but I was looking up at them surreptitiously from underneath my eyelashes. The raven-haired boy had one of those classic 'geek' looks going on. Oily hair, sweater vest, glasses. I put him in the maybe pile. The blond-haired guy had his hair brushed back, but I could see many tufts of it sticking up like cowlicks all over his head, as if they were used to being styled differently. His face, from what I could see, was actually pretty good-looking, and he seemed nice enough from his conversation with the black-haired boy. I put him a little higher up on the maybe pile.

His gaze accidentally flickered to meet mine while he was talking and I hurriedly dropped my eyes back to my book, blushing at getting caught. He paused for a brief second but then continued his conversation.

Class finally began and the professor spent the majority of class time explaining to us how this class would run and what we were going to be doing this semester. He briefly touched upon an introduction to the Middle Ages before class was over, and gave us a reading assignment. I pulled out my planner and wrote it down quickly before stuffing everything into bag, slinging it over my shoulder and trying to leave with everybody else. I somehow still ended up at the end of the line anyway.

As was my luck, just as I was walking out the door, my foot caught on the threshold and I went sprawling down to the floor, my backpack crashing down heavily beside me, having fallen off my shoulder. I muted my groan of pain, and looked up, my embarrassment far worse. The people at the end of the line that were still around the door were staring, including the blond-boy.

I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut and sink into the floor.

What made it worse was when another girl, hurrying along, apparently didn't see me or my stuff lying on the floor. Her foot caught the strap of my book bag and it hooked around her ankle, sending her down to the floor too.

A couple people let out chuckles, which I guess was understandable. They held it in remarkably well when I fell.

"I'm so sorry!" I rushed to say, scrambling to my feet and getting on my knees next to the girl who fell. She sat up dazedly, her short black hair falling into her big, grey eyes. She was such a tiny thing I felt immensely worse. "Are you okay?"

She got to her feet, brushing herself off. "Yeah I'm fine," she muttered. I rushed to my feet too and hauled the traitorous bag off the floor, slinging it to my back before it could do any more damage.

"Um, I'm really sorry," I apologized lamely again. "I'm Bella."

I tentatively held my hand out, hoping it wouldn't be rejected as usual. I still had my gloves on; I hoped that would help.

"I'm Alice," she said brightly, now that she had finished wiping the dirt from her clothes. Her very nice, stylish clothes. "And it's no big deal, I was just rushing is all…"

She reached her hand out to shake mine and my heart started hammering so hard I was sure it was going to fall out of my chest. As she neared my hand, her brow furrowed. With some obvious effort, she shook my hand.

I could've screamed from joy.

But when her eyes met mine, they were filled with confusion. I saw her glance around me but didn't know what she was looking for. Her eyes were way too serious for a first meeting and I was starting to feel like I was doing something wrong again.

She leaned her head a little closer to me. "What did you say your name was again?" she asked quietly.

"Um…Bella," I answered hesitantly. "Bella Swan."

She scratched her head absent-mindedly as a wide smile started to stretch her small, pixie-like features. Her eyes were much brighter. "That might explain it," she said gleefully. "Well, I'll see you around Bella Swan. It was excellent to meet you."

"Uh…yes?" I asked, not quite sure what had happened, but she was already walking away. Well, dancing really. I was left staring after her, baffled.

"Your name is Bella?" a masculine voice asked from behind me.

Gasping inaudibly, I whirled around. It was the blond-haired boy, apprehension in his eyes. "Oh, uh, yes," I stuttered. I wasn't used to this much human interaction. I may have been asking for it, but I didn't think it would happen so suddenly.

"I'm Mike, Mike Newton," he told me, stretching his hand out. My heart started pounding again, getting lodged in my throat. _If only one person would touch me, then that might lift my curse_. It seemed like it was working.

I stretched my hand out and he automatically recoiled his, like he wasn't even thinking about it. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. "Oh…sorry," he laughed awkwardly, and after eyeing my gloved hand, he hesitantly stretched his hand out to mine and lightly grasped it. Funny. He looked like someone who would use more pressure.

He let go quickly.

"So uh, are you friends with that girl?" he asked, looking troubled again. "Hey, what class do you have next?" he suddenly switched before I could answer.

"Um, my science class. It's a couple buildings away." I glanced at my watch. "I think I actually need to go start heading over there."

"That's cool, I'm going in the same direction." And somehow, against all odds, I started walking to class with another person. "Anyway, you friends with that girl? Alice?"

I guess he knew her too. "Oh uh…I don't know, we just met when she tripped over my stuff."

"Okay good." I looked up at him, startled. He leaned down a little "I would stay away from her," he muttered. "Seriously, she's really weird. We went to high school together and…" He paused. "Well, I'm only going to tell you this since I think it's only fair you're forewarned."

"Okay…" I trailed off. I wasn't sure how much I was liking this gossiping stuff. He was slowly getting notched down on my maybe list. But he sounded like he was seriously concerned.

"Well alright. Basically, she's certifiably insane." I stared at him, raising an eyebrow. Way to exaggerate. He seemed to read the skepticism in my face. "No, really! She tried to kill herself at the beginning of high school, and she got taken out during freshman year for it; her parents took her to a nuthouse. I don't think it helped. In fact, I think it made things worse. When she came back, she was talking to herself. She still does, even now," he confided in me. "All the time. In the halls, at lunch, walking to her car. I don't even know how she has a license."

"I doubt she's talking to herself," I said, frowning. Admittedly, my encounter with Alice had been strange, but I didn't get bad feelings about her. "She's probably just talking out loud. And I bet she had reasons for…trying to kill herself too."

"I know she had reasons," he said, affronted. "I'm not saying this because I have anything against her. I used to actually like her. But now…she really worries me. I'm serious, I think she really went crazy. Trust me, she's not talking out loud. If you ever saw it…well, you would know she's not talking out loud too. Look, I'm just trying to warn you so you know what you're getting into."

"Thanks…" I was still skeptic. "I really appreciate your concern. I think I'll be fine though."

He shrugged, disgruntled. "It's up to you. Anyway, it's a shame our first conversation had to be about this. Maybe see you around, so we can try again?" That was the second time today someone had said that - an implied promise to see me again. My heart started pounding again.

"Yeah, yeah of course," I agreed, hoping I didn't sound too eager.

He grinned and waved, stepping into the building before mine.

The rest of the day passed without nearly so much excitement happening. No one else touched or talked to me, but that was okay. A bird in the hand versus two in the nest and all that…

When I went to sleep that night, my mind was swimming with my morning encounters. Questions rolled around my head, but I was used to that, and I fell into a restless sleep in which my skin turned into acid. But this time, Alice was there purposefully pressing my hand to her face, and Mike was calling out warnings from the background, wearing my gloves on his hands as he held them out like a stop sign.

**

* * *

**

A/N:

Haha, it's so funny listening to people's theories. I'm not worried yet. No one really knows or has come very close. Some people were headed in the right direction, but you'll never get there without more information.

**I wish I could add one more genre to this story, and that would be Mystery. You guys can try to guess, but I think it'll be more fun if you just sit back and enjoy the suspense. Don't worry; only the first half of this story is spent figuring out all the major stuff.**

**I really hope you listen to the music for each chapter, because I seriously think it adds something. I'm finding that I prefer instrumentals for this story, because they capture the mood while not being distracting with lyrics. Very easy to listen to and read the chapter at the same time. Obviously this chapter has lyrics, but there will be plenty of instrumental-onlys.**

**Thank you for all your great, supportive reviews! I appreciate them completely and utterly! Again, I've already started the next chapter for this story, so that should be out soon. Reviews save the planet, recycle, re-use grocery bags, and reverse global-warming with their love =]**

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	3. Intrigued By Magic Sights

_But in her web she still delights  
__To weave the mirror's magic sights,  
__For often thro' the silent nights  
__A funeral, with plumes and lights,  
__And music, went to Camelot;  
__Or when the moon was overhead,  
__Came two lovers lately wed;  
_"_I am half-sick of shadows," said  
__The Lady of Shallot._

_**Lady of Shallot**_, by Lord Alfred Tennyson

_

* * *

_

_(Instrumental)_

_**Intrigue** _by X-Ray Dog

* * *

I didn't see Alice or Mike again until Thursday, when I found out that I had another class with the latter. It was my classic Greek Lit course, and when I walked in I kept my eyes firmly on the ground until I'd defiantly stepped over the jutted threshold, lest it attempt to take me down again. At the same time, I had met two people by doing so, which made me a little quicker to forgive its past indiscretions and any future repeat performances.

I glanced up when I made it safely inside, unscathed, looking for a seat, as I had with all my classes this first week. I startled a little when I saw his familiar blond head sitting a few rows up from the door, still on the side of the classroom. Just like he sat in our Middle Ages class. At least I wasn't the only one fond of having a designated seating spot.

Like in Middle Ages, he already had somebody sitting next to him who he was chatting animatedly with like they'd known each other for a while, but it wasn't Eric this time (I had learned his name since we turned out to have a couple classes together.) It was a girl instead. She was pretty with nicely tanned skin, glasses, and dark curly hair pulled back into a neat pony tail. My heart dropped a bit. A pang of envy swept through me, and I wished I was in her place. Not so much for Mike specifically (although a little bit, because he was the only guy I'd met so far that I was still remotely considering sleeping with) but just to be able to _be _with somebody else so naturally, so comfortably, like they were being. Like friends.

The girl was fiddling with her pencil while they chatted and it ended up falling from her hands, tumbling to the floor. Mike bent down to pick it up quickly and handed it to her. Their fingertips brushed. I felt a vice grip my heart and I wondered where I should sit, tearing my eyes from the scene that caused me so much longing and pain.

But Mike noticed me then. This simultaneously made me happy and made me aggravated. I wanted to escape the picture they created. But I wanted to be near him, a person. "Bella!" he said cheerfully, waving me over. I guess I was too far away for him to feel uncomfortable.

My judgment and my desire fought, and my desire won. I made my way slowly up to him, trying not to trip on the steps. The girl next to him was looking at me curiously, but still in a friendly way. As I stopped near their desk Mike's smile faltered a little and the girl's expression morphed from curious to confused. I watched as they simultaneously shook their heads a bit and resisted the urge to sigh and slouch to the back of the room.

"Erm, Angela, this is Bella, the new girl I was telling you about," he told her and my heart jumped a bit. He talked about me? "Bella, this is Angela," he introduced, gesturing between us.

I smiled at her, trying to be friendly and comforting, attempting to dissuade whatever vibes they got from me that told them to cringe back. Her confused expression changed again into a friendly smile as well. She reached her hand past Mike, stretching to shake mine. I slowly approached her hand, and her smile became a bit strained as her hand visibly twitched, as if wanting to move away. My outstretched arm passed in front of Mike, and he leaned back a bit. There was a mixture of compulsion and shame on his face.

Finally though, I shook Angela's hand (gloves on, as always) and pulled my hand back quickly before the strained look on her face could worsen. It meant the world to me that she would shake my hand anyway.

Mike relaxed a little when I pulled my arm back, and his smile became cheerful again. "Care to sit behind me in here too?" he asked, smiling. "Or is that to much blond for you in one week?" He winked, tugging on his hair and I grinned shyly back. "I'd invite you to sit next to me, but that position's already covered." He gestured to Angela.

Her eyes widened in surprise. "Oh! I can move if you want," she said reassuringly. "I honestly don't mind, I didn't think - "

"Oh no, that's okay," I rushed to say. "I think I'd rather get blond overload from behind."

They stared at me, and I realized how that could have been interpreted. My face flushed so red it could have been a new skin color. That's what I get for trying to interact. "Um," I stammered. "I didn't - that came out wrong…"

"Ya' think?" Mike snorted. But somehow, they were both grinning, and then laughing heartily. I knew they were laughing _at _me, but it still didn't seem like they were doing it in a cruel or condescending way. It seemed like the way…I'd seen friends laugh with each other. I smiled back embarrassedly, and somehow not minding so much anymore. My face still flamed red though.

"I'm just gonna…sit down," I mumbled to them, and they nodded, still smiling. I took my seat behind them and Angela turned, grinning at me before turning back around.

I took out the course guide I'd printed offline, and got out my notebook and pencil, getting ready for the professor.

When she arrived, she began the way every other teacher had this week. Explaining the rules, regulations, course work, expectations; the whole shebang. I copied everything down neatly and meticulously, tabling each category. I was so focused on what she was saying and making sure I copied it down correctly that it took me a few moments for me to notice the folded up paper sitting on the edge of my desk. Curious, I unfolded it, scanning its contents. The handwriting was messy and chicken-scratchy. It was obviously male, and obviously came from the male in front of me, who was looking at me over his shoulder every so often. Waiting for a response.

_Hey, what classes do you have tomorrow? _he asked. _We might get lucky again._

I smiled and wrote back, _I only have one in the morning. Psych. You?_

I leaned forward and tapped his shoulder with the piece of paper. A slight tremor went down his back but it didn't show on his face when he turned eagerly to get the paper.

He hunched over it, scribbling a response. Angela glanced over curiously and Mike, finished writing, handed it to her too. She looked surprised that he did. She read over it then quickly wrote something down, holding it up to Mike with a questioning look on her face. He nodded, and she smiled, setting it down and writing something else before folding it up again and placing it on my desk. I took it as slowly as I could, trying to appear as if I wasn't dying to read the contents. No one had ever written notes to me before.

Underneath my response was Mike's answer to what class he had tomorrow. He wrote, _No luck. I have my Economics class. Do you want to eat lunch with me later?_

Below that was loopy, feminine handwriting, no doubt the sentence Angela had showed to Mike. It asked, _Are you including me in this? _I thought that was a pretty valid question since he had handed it to her. That must've been where he nodded. She continued. _I actually have Psych with you tomorrow Bella. _She drew a smiley face. _And I think it'd be cool if we all ate lunch together. I haven't met a bunch of new people yet._

I was surprised at the human vulnerability in this response. Ever since I had started becoming secluded, I had gotten this warped idea that everybody was…confident and had plenty of friends and never had problems with social interaction. Her statement quickly rearranged my confused perception, brought on by my clouded, lonely eyes. I smiled softly and wrote back, _Yeah me too. Lunch has been the worst. I've been eating in my dorm._

I folded it up and handed the paper to Mike, whose hand was already outstretched for it.

He read through our conversation since he'd last seen it and responded. She handed it to Angela; she did the same thing. Then it was back to me.

Mike had written, _Woah Bella, majorly depressing. It's okay you two, Newton is here to save the day!_

Angela had written, _I wouldn't be too comforted by that Bella, because the only time I've ever seen him be a hero was when he wore his underwear on the outside of his Superman pajamas one day in kindergarten._ I snorted, giggling.

Mike furrowed his brow and hurriedly turned to snatch the paper away from me, gripping the edge so his fingers never got near mine. He read through the note hurriedly before a furious blush covered his pale face. Both Angela and I were laughing as he tore the paper into tiny little shreds, no doubt destroying the evidence. It didn't matter. I would always remember this. Though for different reasons, curious enough, than the image of Mike with his underwear on the outside of his pajamas.

* * *

When lunchtime came, it was with great trepidation that I entered the student eating hall on campus. I had ventured in once before, just to check it out, but was too chicken to actually eat here.

This would be the first time I did. And I was extremely nervous. What if Mike and Angela bailed? Angela and I had had our Psych class earlier, but that left a couple hours until we were supposed to meet up for lunch. So I went back to my dorm to sit and wait. I had come here alone. What if it was a cruel ruse? What if I didn't find them or they didn't find me? Or worse, forgot about me? My fears grew, deepened, and expanded to outrageous, horrific fantasies with every step I took inside. I was practically breaking out in a sweat by the time I shakily took a tray in my hands, and started to serve myself in the buffet-styled eatery. My stomach was full of butterflies. I got a slice of pizza, which I knew I probably wouldn't choke down, a little bit salad, which was looking like too much chewing, and a cup of water, which I might be able to sip from as I sat alone in a corner somewhere before I just threw my stuff away and left, going to cry in my dorm.

My fears were erratic and, as it turned out, unnecessary. While I was filling up my water, Angela appeared at the soda fountain machine, smiling. She stood a foot away, but she seemed like a magical being, all…real and real Angela-goodness. I could've cried from relief but tried to keep my face composed.

"Hello again," she smiled nicely. "Mike's on the other side, filling his plate up. He told me to find you and grab a seat. Where do you want to? Sit, I mean?"

"Oh…uh, I don't care. Your pick," I said, beaming.

Shrugging, she led the way over to a window seat behind us, setting her tray down neatly. I followed, sitting on the other side. It was one of those four-seaters, with two chairs a piece on each side of the table.

"What did you think about Psych?" Angela asked conversationally, stabbing her macaroni and bringing it to her mouth.

I contemplated briefly. "I think it's going to be really interesting. We haven't actually learned that much in our classes yet, so I hope next week will be more exciting."

"I know, but wow!" she groaned. "I already have so much homework and we haven't done anything."

"Maybe _because_ we haven't done anything," I pointed out thoughtfully.

"Or maybe because it's college," Mike joked as sat down next to Angela. It didn't surprise me that I was left on the one-person side of things, and I didn't think about it too much. "God I'm starving," he groaned, digging into lasagna with gusto. He sat up and raised his head back, so he could talk with his mouth full. "Thish shweek ha' wiped me ou'."

Angela wrinkled her nose at him. "Ew Mike, chew with your mouth closed." I was glad she said it; I was grateful to have people to sit with - I didn't want to ruin it by being too abrasive. I wasn't sure we were to that stage yet.

He swallowed noisily. "Sorry," he said bashfully. "My mom's not here to tell me when to be in bed by anymore. I think the surge of freedom has released my rebellious streak."

I snorted. I couldn't help myself. "Talking with your mouth full is your rebellious streak? Oh wow, you beast you," I noted sarcastically.

I expected forced smiles, but what I got were genuine laughs from both the people across from me. "He's pretty white, it's true," she grinned, spooning more pasta in her mouth.

Mike turned to look at her, frowning. "Speaking of which, how do you get your skin to stay so tan? There's no freaking sun! I've tried tanning here, and trust me, it never works out."

Her mouth pulled down at the corner unhappily. "I've told you this a thousand times. My dad's white, but my mom is Hispanic. That's why my skin is darker."

"Would explain it," he muttered. "I vaguely remember you telling me this."

"Only a hundred times," she mumbled, eating with more furious vigor.

I watched in rapture and amazement at the interaction unfold. I didn't normally get an up-close view.

But they said no more, and we ate in companionable silence. My stomach was perfectly fine as I ate my pizza, salad, and drank my water, all with a tiny, peaceful smile on my face. I couldn't even remember the last time I had felt like this and didn't care to. I was okay with just being right here, right now, living it.

When we were done eating we sat and talked for a little while. I was so content and rooted so deep in habit that for the most part, I just sat back and watched Mike and Angela talk. I was perfectly fine with that. On occasion, one of them would ask me a direct question so I had to reinsert myself into the chat, but other than that I reveled in the feeling of companionship and belonging I felt to be sitting here, almost normal.

At some point, we got up to go dump our trays in the revolving conveyor belt and headed out into the cool afternoon air, the sky thick with clouds as per usual. It was hard to believe it was only early afternoon.

I walked in silence on the left hand side of the sidewalk leading back to the dorms - where the other two were headed as well - and they walked on the right, a little bit behind me. I crossed my arms habitually over my chest, my gloves and sweater keeping me safe from the chill air.

I looked up and felt a jolt of surprise as I recognized a figure walking on the grass, heading toward the sidewalk between two buildings. Right as she was about to disappear I felt an impulsive urge and followed it. "Alice!" I called.

I heard the other two fall silent behind me and Alice paused, before she turned. I smiled and waved. Even from this distance, I could see her answering smile, and she waved back before disappearing from sight between the buildings.

When I turned to look at the two behind me, Mike was shaking his head and even Angela was looking a bit concerned.

"I don't see a problem in getting to know her," I said defensively to Mike.

He held his hands up. "It's your choice," he responded, just as defensive. "You just know my feelings on it. I don't understand why you'd want to though. Maybe you just haven't seen her being a head case yet." I frowned deeply at him. "I'm not saying that to be mean Bella. She's just seriously freaky."

I turned to Angela. "Do you know her too?" I was certain she must, if she and Mike went to high school together, as they obviously had.

Angela frowned thoughtfully. "Yes, I do. And while I do think Mike is just obnoxious about it," she elbowed him in the side, "I also think he has a bit of a point. You don't know what it was like Bella. It _was _weird. She was perfectly happy and smiling all the time I'd known her. She looked so cheerful, not a care in the world. And then just one random day she turns up to school with these huge gash marks on her neck and when we ask what happened, she tells us that she tried to kill herself. What's scarier about it…" she continued, her frown deepening, "Is that she _still _looked cheerful. Then of course, she didn't turn up the day after and one of our teachers told us that her parents were withdrawing her for a year to go get some help. Of course, we all knew what _that _meant."

She shook her head sadly, troubled. "And then when she got back she was just stranger than ever. I didn't know what to make of it. I still don't know what to make of Alice Brandon."

I turned back around, my head teeming. Alice didn't look crazy to me. Could these things really be true? I was positive there was more to the story. Well, I was positive _anyone _would know there was more to the story. I would probably never know though and I didn't care. Until something happened to make me consider otherwise, I wasn't going to stop trying to know Alice Brandon.

* * *

The weekend passed quickly. I didn't see anybody during it, but that was mostly because I had plenty of homework to finish up and revise. I considered driving down to Forks to visit my dad, assure him that my first week had been fine, but college _was _a lot of work so far. I'd started most of it during the week, and had a lot of it done, but I wanted to recheck, rewrite and reread a lot of the things so I could stay on top. I didn't want to begin the year as bottom of the class, or create a bad impression on my professors.

So I called him instead on Sunday night. I waited patiently as the phone rang, absent-mindedly pick at a stray thread in my comforter, before my father finally picked up.

"Hello?" he asked in his normal dry voice.

"Hey Dad," I greeted, smiling. I was happier to hear him than I would've thought I'd be. I guess in all the wild and unexpected changes that had occurred in the past week, it was nice to hear from someone who had always been a constant to me.

"Bella!" There was a clear note of relief in his voice. "How are you? Has everything been going alright? Any problems?"

I shook my head in affectionate incredulity. "Yeah. Actually it's gone a lot better than I expected. I met three new people already. Everyone here is pretty nice."

"Glad to hear it."

"Coincidentally, all three of them used to live in Forks. I don't know if you knew them, but their names are Mike Newton, Angela Weber, and Alice Brandon?"

Charlie was silent for a moment or two. "I remember them," he said gruffly. "Mike's parents own the sporting goods store here." That sounded right. I vaguely remembered an image of sporting goods store we had driven by but never went in. "And Angela's parents are nice people. Alice Brandon…yeah, I know of her." His voice was gruff again. Tense.

"And?" I prodded, eyebrows furrowing. I'd never even thought of Charlie as a source of information before, but now that I thought about it, it was downright obvious.

"I never really interacted with her or her parents. All I know is that strange rumors follow that girl. I'd be careful Bella."

I rolled my eyes. Not him too. "So I've been told," I muttered.

"Maybe for good reason Bella, have you ever thought of that?" I stayed silent, stubborn. "Well anyway. Have you talked to your mother yet?"

I went back to fiddling with the thread on my bedspread again. "Yeah. She called earlier in the week."

"Was she freaking out?" he guessed shrewdly.

"She did place some less-than-subtle hints that I should go back to Florida." And some less-than-subtle hints about doubts of my sanity. "But she'll deal I guess."

"Yeah." There was an awkward pause between us, as we tried to figure out what to say. Charlie and I were better together when we were silent - that's what we preferred. Talking on the phone was always so tense because it required conversation we weren't skilled at giving. "You are alright, aren't you?" he finally asked. "I don't have to come arrest anyone? That Newton kid. He's behaving?"

"Dad," I groaned. "C'mon. You know guys don't like me."

I could practically see Charlie shifting uncomfortably. "Come on now Bells, you know that's not true," he mumbled gruffly. I sighed. _Yes I do, and so do you Charlie. You don't want to touch me and you love me. What do you expect anybody else to do?_

There was another long, awkward pause. "Well…I should get some sleep," I said at last. "And so should you. I might come down next weekend. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, yeah of course," he reassured me. "Come down whenever you want Bells. Sleep well."

"You too. …Bye." I waited for him to say bye as well before I hung up, placing my phone back on the bedside table and falling onto my back. I stared at the cracks in my dorm's ceiling.

_That Newton kid. He's behaving?_

Yeah, I wish.

Sighing, I rolled over to turn my lamp off before slumping into my pillows, trying to shut my brain off and find a purchase on sleep.

When the morning dawned dark and grey, I rolled myself out of bed before the alarm clock even went off, as usual. I started my mini coffee machine and yawned my way into the shower, cleaning myself quickly and stepping out onto the bath towel, trying to keep the tile from getting wet. I know it's silly, the tile is there to _be _gotten wet, but I can't help it. If I can't control other people's actions, at the very least I can control my own.

Walking into my Middle Ages class, I was excited to see Mike again, and maybe even talk to Eric this time too. Maybe he didn't notice we had several classes together, but I did, and that presented the perfect conversation opportunity for me. I meticulously planned what I would say as I walked in and took my seat, early enough so that most people weren't even here yet.

Taking out my books, notebook, and pencil, I quickly found myself with nothing to do. I started tapping my pencil rhythmically on the desk, trying to seem less pathetic than I felt. With nothing else to do, I started examining the room around me.

It was spacious, two people desks lined up on each tier of the stadium-styled room. There were pictures and posters scattered all around the walls, and my head slowly started twisting to look at them. I eventually had to turn in my seat to look at the back of the room.

But my gazing was interrupted when a pair of eyes caught mine. I startled, surprised that somebody was watching me. I met the guy's eyes without meaning to, and was even more surprised when he didn't look away. And definitely distracted by how _serious _he was looking, with his mouth set and his brow furrowed. I was stunned into immobility.

He was attractive, no doubt about that. He had messy reddish-brown hair that looked like bed-head. But it didn't look gelled. It looked natural. He had pale skin, and sharp, masculine angles in his face. I don't even know what his body looked like. I couldn't look away from his gaze where he held me, captivated.

I felt an impulse to move closer, but I repressed it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, some part of me was keeping perspective. How weird would that be? Walking all the way to the back just to say what? Hi? Noticed you were looking at me, wondered what was up?

He hadn't been in here last week, I was sure of it. I would've remembered him without a doubt. But it wasn't so unusual. Many students missed the first week.

His expression was slowly morphing from serious and dark, to confused, and then to amazed. My brow furrowed as I watched his expressions' transgression.

'What?' I mouthed.

He slumped back in his seat, breaking our eye contact, and I finally noticed his body. Surprise, surprise. That was nice too.

There was a tingling in my entire body. My chest felt doused with heated water and my skin prickled. It wasn't unpleasant. It was…mesmerizing. I'd never felt like this before. Never felt this noticed. Never felt this _seen_. That guy, that stranger, had been lookingat me, when everybody else's eyes chose not to linger. But it was more than that. I felt like he'd really been _seeing_ me. This should've worried me. Concerned me. Frightened me. But I was too relieved, too excited, too dumbfounded to feel anything else except this pleasant tingling all over my body. More than ever before, I wanted fiercely to be _touched _in this moment.

But that wasn't going to happen. I sat back and clenched my gloved hands on the desktop. Tears of frustration pricked the corners of my eyes. The tingling subsided to give way to the crushing hopelessness. I slowly peeled off one glove just so I could rest my hand gently against the side of my face, closing my eyes and imagining that the skin of my hand was somebody else's. I knew it wasn't. But I just wanted to pretend for a second.

I squeezed my eyes shut and wondered what was happening. How could this stranger have elicited such a response from me? All he'd been doing was staring. With an intensity that lit me on fire, and a brooding that concerned me. I glanced over my shoulder and he was watching me again, the perplexity and brooding mixing strangely in his face. I turned back around and slipped my glove back on before I could get trapped in his gaze again. People were starting to arrive anyway. This was no time to be emotional and distracted.

Mike and Eric walked in together, talking. Mike saw me and waved. Shaking off the last five minutes and trying to ignore the eyes on my back, I waved to him, and smiled a little shyly at Eric too. "Hi," I murmured.

Eric grinned tightly. It didn't touch his eyes. "Hi." Then he was sitting down, facing away and not looking back. I sighed softly. I knew things had been going too well.

Mike grimaced at his friend and just shook his head. "How was your weekend?" he asked, sitting in his chair straddle-style so he was facing me, his arms crossed over the top of it. A good two feet of space was still between us, but I shook the estimation out of my head. Why did I torture myself by doing that? Noticing how he still kept a distance, even though we could probably be called friends? I was being ungrateful.

"Filled with homework. You?" I asked, casting aside my internal struggle for the moment.

He smiled. "Much of the same. Don't we live such riveting, exciting lives?"

"Indeed," I murmured, aware of the stare on my back more than ever.

I was distracted all during class. I wanted to talk to _him_. And surely, with all his staring, he wanted to talk to me too? I was trying to make friends, wasn't I? But I hadn't felt this nervous about doing it this entire time, and I had felt _plenty _nervous. Taking a deep breath, I convinced myself the entire class period that I should try to talk to him. Figure out who he was, at the very least.

I considered asking Mike, but he was really focused on the teacher, trying to keep up.

When class was over, I packed my bag slowly, figuring that should put me at the back of the line heading to the door, where the Staring Guy would no doubt be, since he was in the back of the room. But just as I put my first book away I looked up, and was shocked to see he was already walking out the door, quickly squeezing past another student that backed up to give him space, and heading off.

"Bella…Earth to Bella!" I snapped out of my shock and closed my mouth, which I realized had been hanging open, and turned to look at Mike. He was looking puzzled. "I asked if you wanted to walk to your next class together?

"Oh…er, yeah, of course," I mumbled, distracted.

He waited while I got the rest of my stuff together, and we headed out.

And just like last Monday, Alice was walking by. Except she wasn't rushing this time, and she didn't trip over my stuff. But the biggest similarity that shocked me was that she talked to me again.

"Hey Bella," she said cheerfully, stopping in front of me. I saw Mike scowling in my peripheral vision. "I was wondering if you wanted to eat lunch with me today?"

"Oh." I hesitated, unsure. Mike, Angela, and I hadn't made plans to eat together today, but maybe it was an unspoken thing? I didn't want them to feel like I was blowing them off. At the same time, I really wanted to get to know Alice. "Yeah, sure."

"Great!" she beamed, clapping. She pranced past me and to my complete and utter surprise, patted me on the shoulder. I gasped and thought I heard her laughing quietly behind me as she continued on her way.

"I thought you were eating with us?" Mike demanded as soon she was out of earshot.

"We never actually made plans," I reminded him. "Besides, why don't you guys just come sit with me and her?"

"Yeah, no thanks," he snorted. "Eat with us tomorrow then?"

"Absolutely," I agreed. And even though I was only being tugged between two people, I liked this feeling. The feeling of being sought, after so long being scorned.

And as we walked on, my mind returned to that strange, severe, copper-haired man. I wondered when I would see him again.

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Review please! Your reviews make me smile =] I'm glad everyone is enjoying this so far.

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	4. Weak For Want

"_If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't."_

_**Fight Club **_by Chuck Palahniuk

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He promised I would find a little solace  
And some peace of mind - Whatever.  
Just as long as I don't feel so  
Desperate and ravenous.  
So weak and powerless...over you.

**Weak and Powerless **by A Perfect Circle

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And as we walked on, my mind returned to that strange, severe, copper-haired man. I wondered when I would see him again.

As it turned out, I saw him again much earlier than I ever expected to.

I was much calmer this time around as I made my way into the cafeteria than I'd been on Friday. I knew that I would (if nothing went horribly wrong) have _some _people to sit with, even if, in a worst case scenario, Alice bailed for whatever reason. I wondered what Mike would have to say to that. The weirdo being scared off by someone infinitely worse: the freak. The Me.

I shook those thoughts out of my head. That kind of thinking would only lead to a turbulent stomach and sweaty palms. The last thing I needed was to drop a tray full of food and have it smash disastrously in the middle of the student eating hall. The rather crowded eating hall. But then my rational mind caught up and said that sweaty palms wouldn't matter anyway with my hands wrapped up all nicely in their leather protectors.

I paid my eight-fifty at the entrance for the all-you-can-eat styled dining experience and picked up a tray, going around the selections and picking what I wanted. I tried to take my time with it, hoping that Alice would come find me like Angela had on Friday.

Life is never that easy.

My tray was loaded with my food choices and I was left standing there, looking around and trying to pinpoint a tiny, spiky head.

I heard a high-pitched but pretty voice behind me that I recognized. It practically sounded like bells, my relief was so acute and grateful. I was happy I hadn't had to stand here like a dork for too long.

I turned, smiling, and almost dropped my tray. It didn't matter that my suddenly sweaty palms were safely blocked from actual contact with the plastic.

Alice was waving excitedly to me, her arm extended as high up as it could go and then some. I could just make out that she was standing up out of her seat a bit too.

That wasn't what made me almost drop my food. But it was definitely the fact that sitting right next to her was Severe-Brooding-Staring Guy. He wasn't severely brooding and staring at me right now though. Well, correction. He was severely brooding. But at the wall, and not at me.

Thank the gods. I probably wouldn't have been able to walk over there without banging into something and having my legs give out - from their sudden, uncontrollable shaking - if he were.

As it was, I walked over with my head down, watching the floor and my surroundings carefully so I didn't make a fool out of myself.

Alice and Brooding Guy were sitting next to the wall, and I noticed that none of the tables very close to them were occupied. I guessed Mike wasn't the only one with a problem with Alice.

People glanced at me curiously and some with alarm as I walked toward their table, but their gazes never lingered for long. Nobodies ever did.

Well…

Except for the man I was getting closer to with every step I took.

He was sitting close to the wall, his arms crossed on the desk, keeping his eyes off of me until I set down my tray and sat across from them. I saw Alice's chair scooched close enough to The Guy's so that I couldn't look at one without looking at the other. I sighed, both for this seating arrangement, and the ability to sit that close. Even now, with my heart beating wildly and unevenly, and my stomach cresting with gnawing worry, I recognized that desire like a sharp pain in the back of my chest.

"Hi," Alice said, smiling, seemingly oblivious to the almost palpable tension that had settled upon my arrival. She popped a grape in her mouth happily. The Guy had no tray that I could see.

"Hello," I said politely, attempting to smile. It came out a little wobbly, what with The Guy's eyes boring holes in my face. I turned my smile and eyes to him, hoping to ease this…whatever this was. "Hi," I greeted quietly.

"Hello," he responded, even quieter, his mouth barely forming the word. His brow was furrowed so tightly - with what looked like that perplexity from earlier - I felt sure you could balance a pencil on his brow.

"Bella, I'd like you to meet my friend, Edward," Alice said brightly, inclining her head slightly to him. "Edward, this is Bella." She was smirking a little now.

I smiled nervously at her. "Yeah, we've kinda met."

Alice gave a very, very fake look of surprise. So much so that I knew it was _supposed _to be fake. She was pressing her lips together tightly, her whole body shaking to repress what looked like laughter. Her eyes were dancing. "Oho? Really? I wasn't aware Edward had any of your classes."

Edward was silent, staring at my hands. Or my gloves. I'm not sure which was his intention.

I felt my brow furrow slightly too. "How did you know we met in a class?" I asked, feeling dumb. It was probably some obvious answer that I shouldn't have bothered asking for. But I was grasping at straws. Edward was making me nervous. In the strangest way. It wasn't entirely anxiety.

Alice raised her brows at my question, and Edward gave her a glance. There was something simultaneously challenging and mocking in his expression. But he had unfurrowed his brow for the first time. So when he turned his head back to stare at me again, I suddenly noticed that he had the thickest, longest eyelashes framing the most gorgeous green eyes I'd ever seen. I was trapped in his gaze again. As we stared, his eyes became looser. Not softer so much as…more open.

"Er," Alice hesitated, and the sound of uncertainty in her voice sounded so strange that it startled me enough to break Edward's gaze. I looked at her, curious. Her expression twisted a little. "I just…I just assumed that's where…"

"Oh no no!" I rushed, feeling even more stupid for my idiotic, tactless question. "You were right, I just…erm, wondered, but I guess it's obvious." I was blushing furiously now. I resisted the urge to bury my face in my gloves.

Alice was back to bright and sunny again. "Oh no, it was actually quite an observant question. I enjoyed it." Peculiar, but okay. "Edward, sunshine, you're not talking and it's incredibly rude."

Alice was back to repressing laughter again. I have no idea why this whole thing was so amusing to her, but maybe she found the awkward tension between he and I funny. To an outside observer, I suppose it could be a source of comedy.

Edward shot her an annoyed glance out of the corner of his eyes. "I suppose I am," he murmured, staring at me full force again. It was disconcerting and yet, at the same time, flared up that same desire to be touched. It had to be the intensity.

He folded his hands in front of him slowly, and I couldn't help but to stare at _his _now. The longing that shot through me was stronger than I thought it'd be. I tore my eyes away. He had beautiful hands though. Long, thin, but undeniably strong. A musician's hands maybe, or a surgeon's.

A strange, almost forbidden thought came to my mind. I was looking for someone to have sex with right? I had basically crossed Mike off the list. We were friends now. I wanted to stay friends, without messing it up. But this guy, Edward, from what I'd seen so far did not seem like the _friend _type at all. At least, the friend-with-me type. So no danger of messing up anything there. And he was making me feel longing and desire like nobody else.

Why not him?

Well, despite the fact that he was slightly intimidating and may or may not like me.

But other than that, he was the perfect candidate.

"So Bella," he started quietly, "What do you plan on doing?"

I startled. Had my dirty intentions been evident on my face? Was I caught? What could I say? Alice was right there! Looking at me too!

"What?" I asked nervously.

Edward regarded me curiously. "What do you plan on becoming?" His tone changed abruptly. "A scientist perhaps?" he demanded. "Plan on inventing anything important?"

I stared at him, flabbergasted. Alice was shaking her head sadly, as if exasperated with him.

Well she was quickly becoming not the only one.

"Or maybe a novelist? Wanting to write a book to change the world perhaps, hm? Well? What makes you so special?" he challenged, suddenly very angry, like all his frustrated brooding was finally coming out.

He glared at me, awaiting an answer.

Oh, he was about to get an answer. And not just that he was off my candidate list.

I've never exploded at anybody in my life. In truth, I'm not usually angry at people. Frustrated at myself, angry at _myself_. But not other people.

He was about to blemish my near spotless record and I didn't give a damn, even if I was going to go off in front of Alice, someone who seemed to want to be my friend.

But one glance at her smirking face gave me all the permission I needed.

"What the hell is your problem?" I snapped at him. His mouth parted a bit. "'What makes me so special?' When the hell did I say I was? But actually, who the hell are _you _to tell me I'm not, huh? Look, _pal,_ I don't know what kind of mattress you're sleeping on to wake up in such a foul mood, but frankly it doesn't concern me because _nothing _gives you the right to be treating me like you have when I haven't done anything to you!" My voice was shaking because of the tears in my eyes. Damn habit to cry when angry. But I was just so…so _infuriated_ and he was being so…so _mean_. Other people had been mean to me before, but at least there'd been some kind of _reason_. "All this staring and glaring! Instead of getting mad at _me_, why don't you do some self-evaluation and check yourself before you wreck yourself buster!"

Alice could finally no longer hold in her chuckles and laughed merrily. Edward sat back in his seat, dumbfounded. But at least he had the decency to look ashamed. He stared at the table, abashed.

I took in a deep breath, pushing my tears back and clearing the lump in my throat. "You're acting like a jerk and a little explanation would be appreciated, because if I offended in you in some way then _I am sorry_, but since I don't _know _you, I don't think that's the case. So if you please…" I choked out.

He stayed silent, looking downright guilty now.

"That's what I thought." I took in a deep breath and tried to act dignified, like I didn't sound on the verge of tears, which I did. Like I'd said my piece and had moved on in my head. Which I had most certainly not. I was still hurt and angry.

"So Alice," I said, clearing my throat again, attempting at calmness. "How are you liking your classes?"

The girl in question threw her head back in laughter, and I could see, dimly, pale abrasions on the skin of her neck. Scars.

"I like you Bella Swan," Alice said, smiling at me as her eyes twinkled.

I smiled back at her, feeling better. At least she was on my side and I hadn't scared her off.

"I like you too Alice."

Edward said nothing and went back to staring at the wall, playing with his hands, more thoughtful now and less dark.

Alice and I chatted a bit more, and I finally worked up the courage to start eating. Alice appraised my gloves.

"Why are you eating with those on?" she asked in a friendly way. "It can't be easy to hold your utensils."

"Erm, it's not bad," I said, shifting uncomfortably. Uh-oh. I didn't like having too much bare skin around people. They avoided me worse when I did that.

"Well, why don't you take them off?" she encouraged.

"Leave her alone Alice," Edward suddenly muttered.

I glared at him. Oh, _now _he wanted to be on my side? Almost to spite him, I slowly took off my gloves, almost scared as I did it.

When they were off I felt very vulnerable. Naked. Ironically enough, my gloves had come to feel like my only access to the outside world, in their own way. Taking them off almost felt like a surrender. _You're right, I'm done trying. Nothing will help. Why bother_?

I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't want to think that way. If I did, what did I have to hold on to? Hope was the only thing that touched me.

"Better?" Alice asked gently as I picked up my fork and resumed eating.

I shrugged. Honestly I wasn't sure. Yeah, it was easier to maneuver the utensils, but at the same time I wasn't used to feeling this exposed out in public. It almost didn't feel decent; right, for me to do it.

Alice extended her hand out, almost as if to pat mine. My heart fluttered erratically, but she suddenly paused. Not because her face was strained or because she was fighting the urge to pull back. She paused because she was looking at Edward out of the corner of her eye. I had felt his eyes on my skin ever since I'd unsheathed my hands.

And the mystery of why I feel so exposed and vulnerable continues.

Alice seemed to decide something, and pulled back, shrugging, resuming her meal as well. My heart dropped in disappointment, but I quickly started up our conversation again before I could dwell.

Edward didn't speak again, and we finished our meals at last.

"Bella, I was wondering something," Alice started casually as we made our way to the tray dispenser. Edward followed silently behind us a couple feet. I was still trying to ignore him.

"Yeah?" I asked. I glanced to my side and startled when I saw Angela and Mike sitting at a table a distance away. I recognized Eric sitting with them, and some other guy I didn't know. Angela met my eye then and smiled, waving. I waved back, happy that she didn't seem mad at me for eating lunch with Alice. Mike looked up at me then too and scowled, but waved anyway. Eric and the other guy didn't look back at me.

We stepped out of the cafeteria.

"Would you like to spend the night this weekend?" Alice asked sweetly.

I gaped.

So did Edward. "Alice…" he said warningly, speaking up for the first time in a while.

I shot him a glare over my shoulder. What did he think I was going to do? Trash her place or something? What business was it of his anyway?

I wondered how he and Alice were friends. They seemed like polar opposites. She was so nice and he was so…surly.

He met my eyes though, and fell silent. His expression was thoughtful again.

I almost wished he'd go back to the brooding. His face was misleadingly likable when he didn't have it all scrunched up.

I thought about my plans for this weekend, and my face twisted when I remembered I actually _had _plans. But I had to make this work somehow. No one had ever invited me to spend the night. I was _not_, under any circumstances, passing this up. I only had one class on Friday, so that would give me time to head up to Forks after it and spend Friday with my dad and maybe Saturday morning too? Then I could drive back down here and be at her house in the late afternoon or evening. It would have to work.

"Um, I'm going to be gone on most of Friday and Saturday, but maybe Saturday night?" I asked hesitantly. I hoped this worked for her.

But Alice was strangely accommodating for me. "Heck yeah!" she exclaimed. "That works great. I really want you to meet my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" I asked, surprised. With everything everybody said about her, _that _was not one of them. But I guess, people didn't really know her either.

"Yeah. He doesn't really go here. But I think you'll like him, and he'll like you too," she grinned. She seemed so sure. I wished I could be so confident about things.

"Do you have any more classes?" she asked.

"No, actually, I don't. I got lucky on my Monday scheduling." In a manner of speaking. But I actually enjoyed having classes, and going to them. For the learning value which I truly did appreciate, and also the guaranteed company of people.

"That is lucky." Alice stuck her tongue out. "It's funny, Edward doesn't have any more classes either. Do you?" she asked over her shoulder, including him.

"No," he said tightly. Jeez, why was he such a grouch? Especially considering Alice could actually put up with him.

I frowned. I was not going to let this become a hey-since-you-two-don't-have-anything-else-to-do-why-don't-you-hang-out-some-more thing that I could already see Alice trying to make it into.

"Well, lucky him," I said shortly. "I was just leaving though. I need to go job hunting."

"Oh?" This seemed like real news to Alice. "Why?" she asked, curious.

"Er, because I need money?" I said slowly, my statement becoming a question too. Why else did people work? It was rarely for the entertainment value.

"Oh right, right." Alice waved like she'd just remembered. I glanced at her clothes again. I had the feeling she'd never worked a day in her life. Which was fine, it just explained her confusion.

"Right well," I started. My skin prickled in that half-nice, half-strange way it had been doing for a while now. I really wished _he _would stop staring at me. But what else could I expect? The one guy who decides to notice me and he turns out to be a Grade A jerk. Of course. "I had a really nice time eating lunch with _you_," I said pointedly, keeping my eyes on Alice. I still saw Edward wince a little out of my peripheral vision. I felt vaguely smug. "We'll have to do it again sometime. Thanks for inviting me. To both things - the lunch and the spending the night."

"No problem," Alice beamed brightly. She stuck her tongue out a little at Edward in seeming victory. I grinned at that. I wished people would get to know Alice more. She was impossible to not like. A little peculiar, a little odd, but undeniably lovable. I was going to have to bring this up at lunch tomorrow.

"I'm gonna go. See you." I waved as I turned and walked away across the grass. I still held my gloves in one of my hands. I had contemplated putting them back on, but there was no real reason to yet. I was just going to my truck. I'd put them on in there. Besides…walking around in the nippy air and actually _feeling _the breeze on my hands was nice.

It was an unfair balance. Reject people, or forsake nature.

I walked between two buildings, a shortcut on the way to the parking lot. The campus was pretty empty. People were either in class or else eating.

I was in the middle of the shadowy, grassy, spacious alley between the buildings when I heard an unwelcome, albeit attractive, voice behind me.

"Bella! Wait!"

"Oh no," I groaned, coming to a halt. "Not _you_."

I turned around and put my hands on my hips as Edward came to a stop a couple feet away. My mind automatically calculated the distance while my heart threatened to backhand it if it didn't shut that nonsense off.

"Did Alice put you up to this?" I demanded. "Because if she did - "

"She didn't," he interrupted. "Trust me. Though she is laughing at me now. It doesn't matter. I've been wanting to do this since earlier - "

"What?" I interrupted him this time. "Go off on me again? For nothing?"

"No," he said calmly, making me feel foolish with my anger. "I actually wanted to apologize."

I raised my eyebrows, mouth forming an 'o'. I hadn't expected that. He hadn't struck me as the apology type. But right before my eyes, his face was relaxing, his eyes becoming very sincere and soft in their lush color, his perfectly proportioned mouth raising up in a gentle, sad smile. He bent a little to look me in the eyes, stepping closer. I gulped, my heart pounding.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "Really. I was…you were right. I was taking out my own frustrations unfairly on you, and was making you uncomfortable even before that." Uncomfortable was only one of things he was making me feel. Against my will, I felt my anger slipping away, my heart melting at his obviously sincerely words. His name was slowly writing itself back onto my candidate list.

I hate myself. I'm way too easy. But I just can't stay angry.

"And for that," he continued. "I deeply apologize. I hope you can forgive me and, more than that, though it might be unfair to ask, I hope that perhaps, we can start over? Pretend that none of that ever happened? I would really like to be on good terms with you now, Bella, even if that's hard for you to believe. Which is perfectly understandable."

My hands relaxed at my side, and I felt vulnerable again in front of him, my hands exposed, and the anger having gone. I felt like I was left completely defenseless.

"Um." I bit my lip shyly. "I, uh, think starting over is probably best. I don't really want an enemy. It takes way too much energy to be angry."

"That is a refreshingly hopeful way of looking at it," he said quietly, grinning lopsidedly at me. My heart thumped unevenly. He took a step closer and it went into overdrive. He was standing close enough to be considered in my personal space.

My breathing sped up a bit. It'd been a while since I'd been this close to someone, like this.

It was wonderful.

"And thank you," he murmured. "For forgiving my atrocious behavior and accepting to start over."

Very slowly, I saw his hand come toward mine. My hand trembled, my heart pounding in my ears. My chest felt too hot.

And then he was holding my hand. Like I wasn't repelling at all.

My whole body trembled fiercely, and I couldn't even think about what he must think, because all I could focus on was the feel of _skin_, another person's _skin _touching mine. His hands were cool, but maybe my hands were just hot. The blood pulsed in my veins strongly. I hadn't felt this alive in ages. I looked down at our joined hands in amazement. I couldn't believeit. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. My body didn't need to. It was rejoicing without thought, all my systems seeming to be in active overdrive, every particle of me buzzing.

I looked up at Edward, scared, amazed, blown away. His eyes clouded gently. "You've been alone too," he murmured. It wasn't a question. Tears filled my eyes and spilled without my permission.

Then he slowly raised my hand and gently pressed his lips to the back of it.

Heaven. Overwhelming nirvana.

My pulse was too fast.

My heart was beating too hard.

I was gasping a million breaths each second.

I was surely going to die. Where cold hell had failed before, too much hot heaven was going to finish the job.

I didn't die.

But I did pass out.

When I came to, I knew it must've only been a matter of minutes. The shadows on the buildings hadn't even moved.

Edward was leaning over me, anxious. I felt an unfamiliar, plesant tugging on my hair. I realized he was stroking my hair worriedly, trying to wake me up. My breath started to come quicker. I wasn't used to being touched. This was too much.

"Bella, breathe," he commanded. "That's how you passed out in the first place. You hyperventilated."

"I'm sorry," I choked out, a ringing in my ears. I felt clammy, but oh so alive. I wanted to cry again as he continued to stroke my hair. It felt so good. I never wanted him to stop. I almost said it. _Please don't stop. Please don't leave me. Please, I don't want to feel like I did before again. I don't want to feel alone. Not now that I know what it's like. To be touched. I'd forgotten. I really had._

I couldn't say those things though. I pleaded with him with my eyes instead. He sat back and I almost whimpered, but he took my hand and helped me up. My heart pounded again and I fought to keep under control. I might never get used to it. His skin was firm, supple, colder. But I didn't think that was so unusual. I remembered that some people had cold hands. Like doctors.

"Thank you," I breathed. I knew he knew I meant more than helping me up.

He squeezed my hand, his eyes brighter than I'd seen them yet. "You're not as alone as you think," he whispered, slightly cryptic.

I squeezed his hand back hesitantly. "I'm starting to realize that," I said shakily.

He looked at the ground and bent down, scooping up my gloves. He handed them to me, and I took them with my free hand.

I felt a separation coming. I dreaded it. I didn't want to give this up. Not so soon. What if it was a glitch? What if it never happened again?

"I'm glad you decided to forgive me," he said. He looked down at his feet, shuffling them, and then at our clasped hands. "Because I'm not sure I can stay away from you."

"Really?" I whispered, not daring to believe.

He smiled a little. "I'll see you soon," he promised, and then he was letting go of my hand and walking away.

I felt very cold in the absence, and hoped 'soon' would come quicker than even it implied.

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Sorry for the wait, I lost my internet for about a week, and I am unable to write without access to an internet. It's a thing. I've only been back for a day.

***Also, for anyone interested, this story is now posted on Twilighted =] So if that means anything to you, I thought I should put it out there. **

*There is also now a thread over on the Twilighted boards for this story under 'Alternative Universe' in the forums. Thank you to IslandWoman221! Go on over, chat, discuss, have fun =]

**Please review! Plenty of people are on story alert, and if you're reading, I'd really like to know what you're thinking.**

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	5. FourShadows

_And I will show you something different from either your shadow at morning striding behind you or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust._

**T.S. Eliot**

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Teardrop on the fire,  
fearless on my breath.  
You're stumbling a little.

**Teardrop **by Massive Attack

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My first day of job-hunting did not go well. It didn't help things that my head was still reeling with the strangeness and giddiness of really be _touched_, for the first time in five _years_. I was still trying to wrap my mind around it. But more so, I was burning it in to my memory. I would never forget it.

I'd never felt anything that good since…

Well, since I thought I was going to drown and then, somehow, miraculously, took in a breath of oxygen.

I shook those thoughts out of my head. The last thing I wanted to think about right now were the mysteries of that day.

I didn't want to think about questions because I wasn't looking for answers.

I was looking for solutions. And I understood the difference.

Unfortunately, there seemed to be no solutions to be had at the jobs I applied to on Monday afternoon. First off, most of the employers were not interviewing, so I had to fill out applications that I could only hope would see the sun at some point; I wouldn't even hope for human eyes. Secondly, my choices were severely limited. Fast food, cashiering, or anything that required handing things to people were not jobs any employer had ever given me. Obviously, that pattern had not changed even though so many things had since arriving in Washington. And thirdly, again, was my distracted state. Not a very good impression on top of everything else.

Even though the first half of my Monday ended up turning out phenomenal, the second half did not end so well.

I went to sleep that night in an agitated state, and ended up having my normal fretful dreams. Except they weren't normal at all anymore. My regular reoccurring nightmare had varied every night since that first day of classes, when I met Mike and Alice.

This night, Edward varied my nightmare. This didn't surprise me.

In my dream, I started off by speaking to Mike. I told him about my day as we sat in chairs facing each other. He was listening carefully when all the sudden his eyes got wide with horror. "Bella, we gotta go!" he gasped.

I realized he was looking behind me and I turned. Alice stood there, her hands behind her back, smiling sweetly. Her neck was stained red, deep gashes pouring blood all over her clothes. She just kept smiling at me, seemingly oblivious. Or perhaps all too aware.

I gaped in horror, turning back to Mike. "It's got to be a misunderstanding," I told him, convinced this was the answer.

He shook his head. "Well if we're not going to run," he scowled, "at least give me your gloves. You may be safe, but I'm not."

"What are you talking about? Oh whatever. Here." I went to pull off my gloves, but they weren't there. I looked around, surprised. I'd just had them a minute ago.

"Do you already have them?" I asked confusedly, looking up, but Mike was gone. I turned around. So was Alice. But I was suddenly looking into a dark forest. There was black rock beneath me. Sounds of ocean crashed far behind me, below me. I was back on the cliff face.

I suddenly noticed Edward standing a few feet away, leaning against a tree. He was smirking, swinging my gloves tauntingly in one of his hands, the other arm crossed over his chest nonchalantly.

"Looking for these?" he smirked.

"Yeah. Well not me so much, but my friend…"

He raised an eyebrow. "The friend you want to sleep with?"

I blushed, embarrassed that he knew this. I suddenly felt wrong about ever considering it. "Er, not anymore. We're just friends."

"What changed your mind?" he murmured, the gloating smirk erased from his face. His dark green eyes were glinting, intent, even though it was night out and I shouldn't have even been able to see. He pushed off the tree smoothly, coming closer. I gulped, stumbling back a bit, though I didn't know why. I wanted him near me.

"Um…" I was blushing furiously now. One of my feet hit the very edge of the cliff, a little bit of the rock crumbling and falling away. I hastily pulled my foot back. "I just…didn't want him to be the one anymore."

"Tell me why," he commanded softly, only a foot away now. He held up my gloves, dangling them in front of me again. "Or I'll keep these."

"You can't!" I exclaimed, angry.

"Why not?"

"I need them," I said desperately. "They're the only way people will touch me."

"I'll touch you," he whispered. "I'll touch you without them. Is that not enough? Am _I _not enough? Consider carefully."

My response died in my throat as he began to lean in toward me. My eyes started to flutter closed until he stopped a couple inches from my face. His expression was contorted with anger. "Why are you so special?" he demanded, eyes flashing.

I gaped, and took a step back. I stepped into thin air.

"Ahhh!" I screamed, my arms waving wildly, trying to balance myself. Edward suddenly looked apologetic, and his hand reached forward to grab me.

Mid-reach, he transformed. Into a figure that looked like only a shadow of a man. It wasn't even Edward, or his body even more. The hand grew gnarled, and thin, sharp claws unsheathed themselves. The hand landed on my shoulder, a cool breeze, and grew into ice that pushed me back hard. I was falling again.

I woke with a start, covered in a cold sweat, my blanket tangled around me and not even covering most of my body anyway. I stared at my shadowy ceiling, but it was comforting. Deep blue, light blacks, and greys comprised the shadows. Not like the shadow-monster in my dream, which was pure pitch. Still feeling shaken for some reason, I got up and went to this floor's community bathroom, taking a cup with me. I went to the sink and filled it up with water, drinking it down with trembling hands. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand when I was done, and made my way back to my room. When I shut the door behind me, I looked up and jumped when I saw a shadow in my window. My throat closed around a scream. I blinked and when I opened my eyes again, I realized that it was actually nothing notable at all.

My imagination was getting out of control. It was night. There were shadows everywhere. And I was on the second floor. There's no way anybody could be outside my window. Oh, why couldn't I have woken up in the morning?

I still went and shut the blinds tightly before going back to bed, pulling the covers over my head and trying to find a less-jumpy purchase on sleep.

I woke up even more ill-rested than usual.

Blearily, I pulled on a long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and my gloves. I half expected them to be gone, and I shook my head in exasperation at myself. Before I pulled my glove on over my right hand, I stared at it, smiling slightly. I don't why I thought it might look different. The only difference was in my mind, in my heart. The memory made my hand tingle though, with anticipation for more. I wondered when I would next see Edward, whose last name was still a mystery to me. That sucked because it ruled out asking Mike or Angela if they had known him in Forks. I mean, Alice knew him, and that gave it a good possibility. But without a last name it would probably be fruitless in asking. I'd just ask Alice how she knew him the next time I saw her.

My Tuesday schedule was filled with my math course, Physics, and also my social sciences class. It was a demanding day for me because it was like having two math lessons, even though Physics was easier to me than my regular math course. But I still had to concentrate and work harder than I had to do for almost any of my other classes. Math had never been my greatest strength, though I didn't let that hold me back.

But as I had found out, to my immense excitement, Mike was excellent at math. He had quite a way with numbers. It wasn't too surprising - he did plan on going into a business field, preferably with a position that dealt with finances and stocks. It was a shame he didn't have my classes. But physics was too science-y for him, and of course my math course was much easier than his. Still, he had generously offered to help me with it. I'd probably be taking him up on that today. I needed to get all my homework done during the week so I didn't have to worry about it this weekend.

The classes were more taxing today than usual. My mind kept wandering to Edward, and his lips against the skin of my hand. I frequently had to snap out of it and pay attention. It was easier in Physics - the professor was quite enthusiastic about the whole subject, loud and excited as he explained concepts and equations. His buoyancy kept my attention. Math Studies was far more dull. My hand took notes automatically; my mind wandered.

I was mentally and physically exhausted when lunch rolled around. I took a quick stroll around the cafeteria and assessed than neither Mike nor Angela had arrived yet. I guess it was up to me to find somewhere to sit. I got my food and went to the normal seat by the window that we - or they - had seemed to have established as our own - or their own - table. I still wasn't comfortable in including myself in a group with them. It was too soon, and my insecurities ran deep. I didn't want to assume anything.

It was only the beginning of the year after all. And statistical studies have shown that groups formed at the beginning of school years are usually completely dispersed by the end of that same year. I'd even seen it happen plenty of times.

I chewed my chicken fingers slowly, trying to concentrate on my food so firstly, I didn't look like a complete loner, two, I wouldn't be done eating way before the other two even showed up, and three, so I could beat back the fears that they _wouldn't _show up. Angela and Mike had already shown themselves to be good and loyal. Mike had even specifically invited me to this lunch. My fears were irrational.

The miraculous, sun-kissed blond in question plopped his tray down across from me only minutes later.

"Hey," he grinned. "Having a good day?"

I grimaced. "I wouldn't exaggerate," I said dryly, something I'd picked up from my dad. "How about you?"

"Obviously better than yours." He smirked, reminding me of my nightmare last night, except it was a very different person doing the smirking. "I had my math classes."

"So did I," I scowled. "I think we can tell who likes the subject more."

He laughed and I went on, heartened. I was finding I liked making people laugh. "Hey, do you remember when you offered to help me with my math?"

He nodded, digging into a burger.

"Well, I think I need to take you up on it. Are you free this afternoon? Or evening?"

He nodded, more enthusiastic. "I'm done around four, you?"

"Me too. Sorry, I wouldn't ask but I'm going to be busy this weekend, so I really need to get this done…How about we meet in the library around four-thirty then?"

"Yeah that sounds workable. You're busy this weekend?" He looked a little crestfallen.

"Erm, am I supposed to not be?" I asked nervously.

"I guess not, I was just thinking we could all go do something. You know, something fun. That thing I can't remember."

"It's only the second week," I pointed out, confused.

"Which makes it all the more sad."

"Is he complaining again?" Angela asked, setting her tray down next to Mike. "He never seems to shut that noise off."

I giggled at his expense, and at the glare he was giving her. Angela was looking triumphant. Mike looked down at his tray. "See if I ever invite you anywhere," he muttered.

Her face tightened and she opened her mouth to say something but stopped. She just shook her head instead, digging into her food.

A few minutes later, and I was curiously watching as Mike opened his mouth to speak and then immediately closed it, repeatedly; indecisive.

"What is it?" I asked, making the choice for him.

His mouth twisted. "Nothing. Just…wondered how your lunch went yesterday. We couldn't see you," he said, pointing at the large buffet blocking the sight of most of the other side of the room. "Not that we would've tried," he added hastily.

Angela rolled her eyes. "I don't understand why you keep saying 'we' Mike. _I _don't spy on people."

"You used to spy on Ben," he countered immediately, and Angela looked down hastily, her full lips pulling down in a frown.

Mike looked like he wished he hadn't spoken. "Sorry," he apologized hastily. "I wasn't thinking."

He went back to his food in silence.

I was dying with curiosity, but I was used to having to suppress it. Besides, it didn't look like a good thing to question.

Angela looked up at me and seemed to read the questions anyway. She answered without me having to ask. "Ben is my ex-boyfriend," she explained. "We went out in junior and most of senior year, but then we broke up." She frowned, more sad this time, and pushed her food around instead of eating it. "He cheated on me with this girl a couple counties over," she went on. "Apparently, they had way more in common. What makes it worse is that he's actually a nice guy. It would've been easier to accept if he had at least been a jerk."

"Actually," Mike countered, "What made it worse is that he was this nerdy little loser who should've been kissing your feet, and thanking the gods that someone as awesome as you would ever lower yourself to his level at all."

We both stared at him.

"That was _almost _a compliment," Angela snapped.

Mike looked terribly confused. "What?" he asked, hurt.

"You never get it," she muttered.

I didn't bother explaining it to him either; I wasn't quite sure how to word it in a way he'd understand.

It wasn't long after that Angela left, muttering about not being late to class. I think she just wanted to get away. Mike looked after her guiltily.

"I don't understand," he sighed.

I wanted to pat his hand comfortingly but figured that wouldn't work. Except…I had had a theory that if one person would touch me, that would somehow fix me. No time like the present to try. My hand was still in my glove, so if it was going to work at all, it would definitely work like this. I reached forward slowly to pat his hand.

His hand casually slipped off the table, and I hastily veered off to grab the napkin dispenser, acting like that had been my course of action.

I sighed. I was still messed up.

"I think you just need to learn how to word things more…delicately," I advised him instead. Maybe I could at least comfort him with words. "You know. Just try to approach it with more sensitivity."

He wrinkled his nose. "Could you make me feel more like a chick?" he asked.

It was my turn to frown. "Being sensitive is not a girly thing. It's actually quite tactful. And if you really want to pursue a business career successfully you're going to need a whole lot of tact."

He put his head in one hand moodily as he munched on fries.

After lunch, I went to the rest of my classes, my head always turning and searching in the halls for either Alice or Edward. I found neither though, to my disappointment.

When I arrived at the library, I found that I ran into Angela instead of Mike. She was perusing the encyclopedias, and jumped a bit as I passed her.

"Hey," I said, stopping. "Are you…um, feeling better?"

She nodded, smiling gratefully. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I'm usually much nicer." She grinned a little guiltily, and I wondered if she thought that _she _made a bad impression on _me_.

"Oh no! It was totally deserved."

She relaxed. "So, what're you here for?"

"Uh…" I didn't know if bringing Mike up was such a good idea, but she _said _she felt better. "I was meeting Mike here so he could help me with my math. I usually suck at it. Do you, er, want to come?" I felt like it would be rude if I didn't at least try to invite her.

She snorted indelicately. "Yeah, because I really want to be around _him_. I shudder at what other niceties he'd say to try to apologize."

"Well," I said carefully. "He's not the most sensitive, but he had good intentions."

She looked a bit uncomfortable. "I guess," she sighed. "I don't normally mind, it's just that Ben is still kind of a…sensitive subject for me."

I nodded. "Yeah, that's understandable. But you know, Mike was kind of right. Any guy that doesn't realize how amazing you are didn't deserve you in the first place."

She blushed. "Thanks Bella," she smiled shyly. "You're really sweet. Now go learn something. I don't want you luring Mike over here," she joked.

Laughing, I departed for a surprisingly grueling study session. Huh. Who knew Mike could be so serious.

~*~

The rest of the week passed uneventfully. I didn't see Alice or Edward though I looked for them frequently. Edward didn't appear to have any more of my classes. That was confirmed when Psych finally ended on Friday, and I departed immediately after towards my truck, feeling simultaneously disappointed and giddy. Giddy because at least it was the weekend, and I would get to see my dad again and actually spend the night at somebody's house. And if nothing else, I would see Edward on Monday.

I wondered though, as I often had that week, if Edward _really _wanted to see _me_ again. He'd said he did. When I recalled the memory, it felt sincere. But since I hadn't seen him at all since, it left a lot of time for doubt to creep up.

But there was no time for those thoughts. I had a drive to make. I'd already called my dad earlier in the week, and he had managed to wrangle getting Friday and Saturday morning off. I didn't think it would be so hard anyway; all my dad did was work, mostly to fill up his time. There was no way the police force wouldn't give him a break now and then when he so rarely took one. I think they had to shove him out of the station most days.

It was a very long, exhausting drive, especially given the fact that my truck did not exceed fifty miles per hour. Now, I was no speed demon, but I could at least respect the need to keep up with the flow of traffic. Which I most certainly could not.

I didn't feel ungrateful for my truck, since it had been given to me free of charge, but I did have other problems with it. The first one being that it reminded me most painfully of Jacob, my once good friend. I have no idea what the hell happened between him and I. That was another one of the mysteries. And since I'd never been back before, I'd never had the chance to reconcile it.

I was hoping to perhaps see him again on this visit. If I had the nerve. Which I probably didn't.

My other issue with the truck came up about three-fourths into the drive to Forks. The engine started making these strange whining noises. Noises that worried me to death. The last thing I needed was for the thing to break down. This thing had to be fifty years old. Repairs would not come cheap, and as I was having trouble finding employment on top of everything else…

I kept patting the steering wheel nervously and keeping my toes crossed. It was with great relief that I finally whined my way to a stop in front of my dad's house in the early afternoon, tense from my nerves, but relaxing now that I knew I'd made it in one piece. I worried for the trip home though.

Charlie came out and greeted me heartily. I was wearing a turtleneck, and I had pulled my hair back with my snowcap, so he rewarded me with a loose hug. I breathed in deeply, drinking the brief contact in while it lasted. My dad smelled like smoky wood. It smelled homey. It smelled good.

He pulled back and led the way into the house. "I heard you coming," he responded. "The truck isn't sounding too good," he added worriedly; guiltily.

"It just started sounding like that on the last leg of the trip," I reassured him. "I don't think long distances do much good for it. Maybe it just needs to rest."

"Yeah." He scratched the back of his head awkwardly as we stood in the hall.

"I'm just gonna…go drop my bag off upstairs, alright?" I confirmed, holding up my overnight bag as proof of sorts.

He nodded, grateful for the idea, and I rushed upstairs, going to the familiar room that had always been, and would probably forever be, mine. I dropped the bag on the neatly made baby blue quilt, and curiously ran my finger across the nightstand. I was surprised and felt a bit odd when I discovered that Charlie obviously kept this room clean and dusted.

I made my way slowly back down, noting my school pictures that lined the wall up the stairs. I groaned with embarrassment.

I found Charlie sitting in the kitchen, tapping his fingers on the counter mindlessly. He jumped up when he saw me.

"Are you thirsty?" he asked, walking and getting a cup out.

"Yeah, thanks." There was no point in saying otherwise. He was already getting me a glass of water. I knew Charlie never had any idea what to do to entertain me whenever I was here - that had obviously not changed - and so did whatever he could think of. That was mostly just making sure I was taken care of.

"Are you hungry?" I asked him. "I could make some lunch."

"Oh you don't have to do that," he blushed. Guess who I got it from. "I could order something, whatever you're in the mood for…"

"I'm kinda in the mood for some cooking," I said brightly. I knew he never ate home-cooked meals. He couldn't cook to save his life. He could probably cook to burn down his house though.

"If you want," he said, and though I knew he felt bad he also felt grateful. He sat down at the table as I browsed through his - pitiful - stock of food. "How was your week?"

"It was pretty good," I told him. "I met someone new again."

"Really?" he asked, interested. "What's her name?"

I didn't miss the specific pronoun.

"Actually, a he. His name is Edward." I was going to ask Alice, but maybe Charlie would know too. "Did you ever know anyone here named that?"

"What's the last name?" he asked.

"I don't know yet. We only just met."

"Hm. I don't recall ever hearing of one here. But I'm not the hear-all, know-all either. This may be a small town Bells, but it's misleading to think that everybody knows everybody else. Most of the kids don't even know who I am, and I don't know who they are. Which is good, because it means they've never done anything the police had to interfere with."

"Be thankful for that," I muttered in agreement, but my heart sunk in disappointment. Edward was a complete mystery. I had honestly thought that I might get some information on him at some point.

Alice had given me her phone number, but I hadn't had the nerve to call it. I didn't know what to say.

I managed to scavenge up enough supplies for some grilled cheese sandwiches - it was the best I could do - and we ate in companionable sentence. I'd ended up having to take my gloves off, but it didn't matter - Charlie wasn't a very touchy guy even under normal circumstances. He would normally touch my shoulder or something when he did anyway, not my hands.

"Would you like to watch TV?" he asked gruffly after the meal, and many thanks on his part.

I shrugged. "Sure."

And then he was sitting on the couch and I was sitting in the chair, staring at the screen and not the actual show.

This was far too familiar.

I shifted a lot and blocked my mind off.

We didn't talk much the rest of the day, more or less just hung out together, and I was forced to let him order a pizza for dinner since there was absolutely nothing to make in the kitchen.

That night, I sat in my rocking chair, staring out the window. Clouds drifted ominously over the moon, the silvery-grey light casting the shadows of the tree in the front yard darker. A light wind blew and rattled. The shadows seemed to come alive. My nightmare from Monday had replayed every night, with very little variation. The one thing that I wished would vary didn't. The shadow-monster still reached its gnarled hand to push me off the cliff every time. Sometimes its claws would sink into my skin - possibly the only touch in the world I would rather not have. And once, it grew glowing red, evil eyes that scorched themselves into my own, even when I opened them up. I had at the beginning of the week been grateful that the burning-people aspect of my dreams had all but disappeared, thanks to Edward having touched me with no apparent physical detriment. Too bad they'd been replaced with something just as bad.

I eventually went to sleep when I could no longer stay awake. To my relief, the shadow-figure didn't appear. It was just Edward, pulling me back onto solid land. He leaned in afterward and I thought for sure he was going to kiss me, but he put his lips near my ear instead - not touching, but close enough to have me silently pleading for it. "Leave this place," he whispered. "You don't belong here."

"Seattle?" I whispered back, hurt.

He shook his head. "No, you belong there. With me. It's _here_ you don't."

I got what he was saying. Forks. That's where this cliff was. Well…it was technically La Push, not Forks.

He gently took my hand again.

I awoke with my heart pounding, almost as hard as when the real thing happened. I swallowed, and tried to get my mind off it before I could long too much. At least I would be going over to Alice's later today. That was an encouraging, happy promise.

I washed up in the bathroom before I went downstairs, where I was surprised to find Charlie making eggs. He _could _make those.

"Hey kiddo," he said, smiling a crinkly-eyed smile at me that brought back his youth and made him look quite handsome. "Thought I'd make you something for once before you have to leave."

"Oh, thanks Dad. I really appreciate that," I told him sincerely.

The eggs were actually pretty good, and I went upstairs to take a shower before I left, so I didn't smell all wonky later in Seattle.

Charlie gave me another tentative hug outside my truck, which I was hoping fervently wouldn't sound like a death rattle when I started it.

"Be safe," he told me, a little anxiously.

I saluted him before I got in and started my truck. I groaned in dismay. It actually sounded a little _worse_. I dreaded the drive home.

"Hey Bella," Charlie said suddenly. "I have an idea. Do you remember Jacob? The kid down on the rez that you used to play with?" My heart clenched and I stared at the windshield. I nodded tightly. I hadn't worked up the courage to even attempt going down there. "I hear from Billy that he's a pretty good mechanic now. And since this used to be theirs…why don't you head down there and ask if he can take a look at it?"

"Dad," I moaned. "You can't just go down to someone's house and, first of all, expect them to be _home_, and then expect them to just get to work on your vehicle. Plus, I don't even remember how to get down there or where they live."

He held up one finger at me. "Give me a second," he said, and rushed back inside.

I actually had to give him quite a few. When he came back out, he was looking triumphant. He had an index card in his hand. I rolled down the window and he handed it to me. "That's directions to their house," he explained. "And I called down there. Billy said that Jacob is home and that he'd take a look at the engine for you."

I smiled gratefully at him, even if my stomach was clenching with nerves. "Right," I said hoarsely. "Well…I'll head down there then. If I can't get it fixed today, I'll call you. If I don't, assume it went well."

"Call me regardless," he said sternly, and I acquiesced without argument.

I drove slowly down to the Quileute reservation, frequently citing the directions in my hand. I knew I was at the right place when I pulled up in front of the little red shack. It had barely changed, except for becoming a bit more faded.

And then of course, there was the frowning, 6"5 teenage boy leaning against a post on the porch, his arms crossed. I immediately recognized him, though he was obviously not twelve anymore. The wide face, the hair in the ponytail, the black eyes - they were all the same. The muscular, heightened body, the lack of warmth in his eyes, and the missing wide smile were the biggest changes.

I could already tell this was a very different boy than I had once been friends with.

I got out of my truck hesitantly and walked toward him a bit. I stopped in front of the porch. "Hi," I said, gripping one of my arms with my other hand. "Remember me?"

"Yes," he said shortly. He walked down to porch, giving me a wide berth as he headed to my truck. I expected him to say something else, but he didn't.

I hurried behind him, though kept the distance. "You look real good Jake. You've gotten big."

"Don't call me that," he said harshly.

I took an automatic step back, shocked. "Big?" I asked, unsure.

"No. Jake. Like we're friends."

I furrowed my brow. "We used to be," I reminded him.

He lifted up the hood of my trunk, scowl deepening, refusing to look at me. "Yeah but it's all different now. Don't try to pretend like it's not."

I threw my hands up. I was sick of getting all this undeserved animosity. It was the second time this week. "Why is it different?" I demanded. If he wanted to skip the preliminaries and go straight to bringing up the past, fine. I could do that. "All I know is that you left me alone that day on the beach, no explanation, and now when I come back, _years _later, you're treating me like _I'm_ some horrible person - "

"You are," he said simply, tinkering with something in the engine. There was no anger. He was simply stating a fact. "There's no way you can associate with…well, and not be."

"What the _fuck _are you talking about?" I seethed, unable to refrain from the curse. I was too frustrated, too confused, too upset.

"You know," he said, still in that now-calm voice. He finally looked at me. "Why do think nobody wants to touch you?"

I gasped. "I - you - " My voice was strangled. "You know that…why…people won't…?" I shook my head. "You're wrong," I said defiantly. "People do touch me." 'People' was a broad overstatement, but he didn't need to know that.

He sneered. He seemed to know I was exaggerating. "Yeah, I'm sure _your _people do. Listen, it's going to take me the better part of the afternoon to fix this for you. And the only reason I'm helping you at all is because I want you gone as soon as possible. But in the meantime, could you go somewhere else? I don't want to be around you."

My throat clenched with anger. "Fine," I snapped. "I'm going to have to say I don't want to be around you either." I cast around for somewhere to go. I didn't want to go back to Charlie's. "I'll be down at the beach. You know, the place where you _abandoned _me, after I almost _drowned_."

I turned on my heel and walked away, satisfied that I'd gotten in the last word. "Bella!" he called after me. I refused to turn around. "If you fall off the cliff again, try to get the job done right this time, will you?"

I froze, stock-still. Did he just say…? My eyes filled with tears. I couldn't believe it. No one had ever been so forwardly horrible to me as he'd just been. And that was saying something.

I choked back the tears and kept walking, trying to get his voice to leave my head. But that only made it worse as I made my way to the beach, still remembering the way. It had been such a different time the last time I'd walked this path. Such a better time. A tear fell down my face as I thought about it, before I hastily wiped it away.

There was no use crying over what was. I was doing my best right now, and that was all I could do.

_Horrible person…who you associate with…_your _people…_

What did that mean? Edward sprang to mind, the only person to have touched me. What did this mean about _him_? But how could I know if Jacob was even reliable or not? Nothing he'd said made any sense, and if he wasn't willing to elaborate...

My head swam, and Edward's voice suddenly filled my mind. Not really him, but words of his I recalled from my dream. _Leave this place. You don't belong here._

This was all ridiculous. This was all completely and utterly ridiculous.

And then, on top of this already craptastic day, there was the cherry on top. I sighed as I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number I'd been scared to call. I ended up getting the machine, but that was probably for the best.

"Hey Alice? It's me, Bella. I'm not in Seattle right now, and my transportation got a bit…stalled. So I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. I'm really sorry…maybe we can reschedule?" I wasn't very hopeful. "Anyway, I'll see you at school. Bye."

I hung up, sighing. I looked out at the grey waters. The sea was quite calm.

Yes. Things had drastically changed since the last time I was here.

**

* * *

**

First off, I just want to thank IslandWoman221 on Twilighted for starting a thread for this story over on the Twilighted boards! Thank you so much! If you guys want to go over there and chat, you can find this story under the Alternative Universe section of the forum. I'm really interested in what you guys would say with each other =] Some people have already started. I should also be occasionally posting teasers over there, specifically if the wait between chapters is longer than I wanted it to be, so I feel guilty.

**Also, I don't know if you can tell yet, but I'm such a Mike fan girl. I think he gets totally gypped the majority of this time. I just see him as this sweet, quirky, normal guy. He tries, the poor thing X]**

**Furthermore, Jacob is coming off like the world's biggest asshole, right? Well, he has his reasons, just like everybody does. All will be revealed in time!**

**Review please, I do so strive and work hard for them. Writing is not as simple as it looks.**

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	6. Better Contact

…_maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves._

_**Fight Club **_by Chuck Palahniuk

_

* * *

_

I just want to feel real love, in a life ever after.  
There's a hole in my soul,  
You can see it in my face,  
it's a real big place.  
Come and hold my hand,  
I want to contact the living.  
Not sure I understand,  
This role I've been given.

**Feel** by Robbie Williams

* * *

If I believed that at least my horrible luck would run itself out during the weekend, I was woefully mistaken. I woke up with a smile on Monday morning knowing that, at the very least, _one _thing would go right. I would _finally_ get to see Edward again, after the week we'd last been together. All I had to do was go to Middle Ages and I would see him; hopefully that'd be enough of a bright spot to make up for my crappy weekend. And to erase Jacob's stern face as he watched me driving away through narrowed eyes, absolutely refusing to speak with me past, "It's done. Leave."

Well, I showed up to Middle Ages. And guess what? Edward didn't.

I was in a very sour mood all class period, my heightened hopes flattened and crushed when I'd walked in and found the back row, and all the rows, to be completely devoid of any bronze-haired male.

Insecurity and bitterness swept through me in pounding waves. _'I'm glad you forgave me Bella,' _I mocked snidely in my head, _'Because I'm not sure I can stay away from you. I'll see you soon.' _What a joke. And what a fool I'd been to believe it. I knew it'd been too good to be true. At this point, having seen neither hide nor tail of him since last Monday, I was about ready to write him up as a dream.

I guess my emotions were pretty obvious, because at some point a very concerned Mike passed me a note with the words _Hey, are you okay? _written on it.

_Yeah, I just didn't have a very good weekend, _I wrote back, trying to clear my face and head. He didn't need to know I was also almost stalkerishly bummed out because a guy I'd met once hadn't shown up or talked to me since…even though he'd said he would.

_Well I hope your day gets better, _he wrote, making me smile. _Are you going to be eating lunch with Alice again?_

This was a good question. I guess he assumed that I was going to make a pattern of it on Mondays. _I'm actually not sure. I haven't talked to her recently. I guess we'll see. Hey, are you mad that I'm eating with her?_

I was most hesitant when I next unfolded the note, wondering if I really wanted to know. _I don't know. I'm not mad really so much as…disgruntled (check out my awesome vocab.) She just makes me really anxious, and that makes me worry for you. Like I don't know, it doesn't really make sense, I just always get the feeling that something bad is going to happen to you because of - _he scratched out the 'because of' thickly but I could still make it out - _around her._

This answer made me feel torn. _Thank you. That's really sweet of you to be so concerned over me. But I really wish you'd get to know Alice. She's so sweet and nice and lovable. It's hard to not like her, really. She can say some peculiar things I'll admit, but not in a bad way._

_Sorry Bella. I wish I could be as nonjudgmental as you, but I guess I just knew her at a really bad time. I don't think I can ever come back from that._

_That's okay. I understand. _And I did.

We both went back to paying attention to the teacher after that, and my eyes almost habitually flashed to where Edward had sat just one week ago. His desk was echoingly empty.

I turned back around, scowling.

I was still disappointed and downtrodden when I walked to my science class. I was so distracted that I almost ran into Alice when she stopped in front of me. Almost.

"Oh hey!" I said, my eyes widening. At least she didn't _look _angry. "Did you get my message?"

"Yeah I did," she said regretfully. "Sucks, that. How about we try again this weekend?"

"That sounds good," I told her, relieved. "I don't have anything planned."

"Great." She beamed. "Do you want to have lunch with me?"

I nodded eagerly and her smile widened. "Awesome. Except, I was thinking of going home to eat. What do you think? Come with me?"

"Oh. Y-yeah. That sounds doable. I don't have any afternoon classes anyway."

"Alright, meet me in the parking lot after class. You can follow me in your truck."

I looked at her quizzically. "How'd you know what car I drive?"

She looked off-put for the second time since I'd known her. "Er, I've seen you drive away in it. Am I not supposed to have?" She laughed.

I joined in unsteadily, feeling stupid. I really could figure these things out on my own. "I'm going to be late for class," I said, glancing at my watch. "See you later then?"

"Yeah." Smiling, she suddenly grabbed my gloved hand, squeezing it tightly before skipping off. I stood there, stock still, hand throbbing in memory of the contact. Coming back to myself, I realized I really did have to go.

I rushed into the classroom, barely on time. I looked up, about to make my way to my seat when I had to stifle a gasp of shock. Edward sat there in the back, eyes trained on me. Very slowly the corners of his lips lifted into a small smile, and he gave me the 'come hither' finger. Trying not to stumble and draw unwanted attention to myself, as class was about to start, I made my way back to the seat beside his.

"Edward - " I whispered.

"Shh," he interrupted sternly. His eyes glanced around. "Class is started." He pointed to the talking professor at the front of the room. My eyes glanced around too in automatic response. Nobody else was sitting in the back row. I guess they didn't want to look like underachievers. I resisted a sigh.

Instead, I reached into my bag and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. I noted that Edward didn't seem to have any kind of bag with him at all. I raised a brow at that.

_Where have you been? _I asked, and then thought that that sounded very accusatory. He didn't actually owe me anything. _In Middle _Ages, I added, and pushed the paper towards him.

He reacted by pushing the paper closer to me and leaned over to write, bringing him into my space again. His shoulder was very close to mine. My heart started pounding, and I gulped when he plucked the pen delicately from my hand.

I watched as he wrote, hoping I wouldn't pass out this time. I hardly needed to explain that to the professor.

_I had the wrong history class. I got transferred. I'm sorry I haven't seen you sooner, I've just been busy. _This made me raise my brow again, wondering over his lack of a bag. Maybe he just forgot it. _I heard you had to cancel with Alice this weekend. What happened?_

_I went to visit my dad and my truck broke down. It took a day to fix it. _By one of the most back-stabbing jerks I've ever had the misfortune to have ever been friends with. But Edward didn't need to know all that.

He nodded seriously, his brow furrowing. _Glad you're okay_, he wrote quickly, before he started playing with his fingers, leaning out of my space. I breathed in deeply, not realizing how shallow my breath had gotten until just then, taking his move as an end to the note. I read his response, a little puzzled. It was a sweet sentiment, but having a broken down truck didn't tend to lend itself to a person being in any harm, like being _okay _implied. I shook it off, realizing I was probably over-thinking it. He was just being nice.

I tried desperately to listen to the teacher, taking comprehensive notes. It was difficult to concentrate. My entire body was very _aware _of Edward next to me - and even more aware of the knowledge that he had touched me before, and could touch me again.

My dream from a week ago suddenly haunted me. _I'll touch you_, Dream-Edward had whispered. I took measured breaths, peeking at Edward from the corner of my eyes. He was staring at me too, and I got lost in his green gaze. He really did have the most remarkable eyes. They almost glowed with their thriving color.

"Do you need paper?" I asked under my breath, thinking that maybe that was why he was staring. The boy in front of me shifted a little, his head turning as if to look back, but he stopped and resumed what he was doing.

Edward shifted as well, looking away and pulling at his nail with more agitation. "Sure," he murmured, and I reached into my bag to get him some, and another pen. I slid them towards him and he lifted the pen quickly, fingertips grazing the paper. I suddenly longed to be the inanimate objects. I swallowed thickly, returning my ears to the professor, who was writing some sort of equations on the board. I saw Edward start taking notes as well.

A few minutes later, a movement made my gaze shift from my paper to the floor, and I saw both our feet under the table. His foot was very close to mine, and hesitantly inching closer. My heart thumped and the pumping in my veins sped up along with my breathing. I forced myself to control the breathing. I would _not_ pass out again. Absolutely not. Hands suddenly shaking, I shifted my foot closer as well until our shoes were touching.

I couldn't look at him. My eyes stared unseeingly at my notes, a _whooshing _in my ears. I tried to continue taking notes, act remotely normal, but my handwriting came out completely unreadable.

Edward's foot was moving again, slowly wrapping around mine until our ankles were linked together. Even through the layers of our clothes it felt magical; unreal.

"You can tell me to stop," he whispered, and I was shocked to hear his breathing almost as unsteady as mine.

I wanted to tell him that I couldn't, actually, because I didn't want him to, but my throat was too dry to speak. I just shook my head instead.

I closed my eyes, letting myself drink in the divinity of this moment, of this feeling. I didn't really know who Edward was, but I would forever be grateful for his existence, if only for these times.

We stayed that way for the rest of class, and eventually I was able to semi get my bearings and start taking notes again. The weight on my ankle was always in every thought though, the light pressing of our legs together.

The intensity of my happiness and wonderment and excitement never actually faded or lessened. But the more accustomed I became the more capacity I gained to handle it.

Edward never resumed his note-taking. On occasion, he would move his ankle up and down mine slightly. That always sent an unmeditated shock to my system and make me pause whatever I was doing or thinking. It was strange and almost laughable to think he was feeling the same as I was. Nobody could unless they'd lived how I'd lived. But he did seem affected as well and that just added to the hot tingles all over and inside my body.

When class was dismissed it was like waking up. It took us both a few moments to become aware of the world again. I breathed in deeply, tasting the air, my settled body shifting slowly. Little by little, our ankles untangled themselves and I gathered my things. Edward stood and pulled my chair back for me, his thumb lightly brushing my back. I started, in pleasure and surprise.

"Thanks," I whispered, voice hoarse. He nodded. The room was almost empty now, and we made our way quietly to the exit.

I wanted to say something - anything - as we joined the throng of traveling students, but he cut me off before I could get a word out. "I'll see you soon," he said again, abruptly, and just like that was making his way quickly through the crowd, away from me.

"Wait!" I called after him, ignoring the looks from those around me, but I kept my eyes on his retreating back. He was already gone.

Huffing in frustration, I made my way to the student parking lot. _'I'll see you soon_,' he'd said again. Did that mean what it did last time? Did it literally translate out into, _'See you in a week,'_?

Upon arriving, I saw Alice leaning her arms and elbows against the hood of my truck, staring off into space. Hesitantly, wondering if I was crossing my boundaries - though _she _had touched me, twice now without signs of discomfort - I lightly tapped her on her shoulder.

She blinked and looked round to me, smiling. I smiled back, pleased. Maybe I wasn't so damaged after all.

"Ready to go?" she asked brightly, her daze vanished.

"I'm here aren't I?" I joked, and she grinned, prancing away to her car - a flashy yellow number parked not too far away from mine. I got in and started my truck, which, despite its loud roar, was no longer shaky or whining, to my relief. At least Jacob hadn't tried to sabotage it. I pulled out and followed Alice's car off of the campus grounds, feeling almost ashamed to be tagging along with this expensive, sporty vehicle in my own old, rusted truck that reminded me too bitterly of the friend I'd lost in the worst way.

Somehow, even in the busy lunchtime traffic of Seattle, Alice managed to wrangle it that I never lost sight of her. We weaved our way through town, went down a side-street, and ended up at the beginning of a private road, which winded into a little section of woods. I couldn't help but to admire the beauty of the dark trees that bent like a natural tunnel to a green and white two-story house at the end of the drive. It almost could've been something out a modernized fairy tale.

I exited my truck, looking around at the beauty of everything in awe. Though it wasn't too far from the busy city streets, it still carried an air of peaceful seclusion. Alice must be very rich to afford her own house, especially here, in prime real estate.

"What do you think?" Alice asked as she sashayed up the steps, me following much less gracefully behind. I tripped on the top step and barely managed to right myself before falling flat on my face. Alice giggled at that.

"I think it's beautiful," I told her. "You're lucky to live here."

"Indeed," she agreed, closing the door behind me. I looked around. Everything was very modern and tasteful, yet still styled in such a way that it didn't have to be updated too much or too often. The living room, left of this hall we were in, was spacey and generously furnished, as was the sitting room I could see to the right. I mimicked Alice by taking my coat off, hanging it by the door. "But I enjoy the privacy. And so do Jasper and Edward."

I froze.

"Edward?" I asked, but my voice came out more like an accusatory demand. "_Edward _lives here?"

Alice looked vaguely surprised. "Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that? Thought I did…"

I shifted my weight from foot to foot. I hadn't seen another car in the front yard. "Is he here now?" I asked nervously.

"Well let's see," she said thoughtfully. "Edward!" she yelled, cupping a hand around her mouth. "Are you here?"

"In the kitchen," came his voice from the room at the end of the hall. My jaw dropped and I couldn't do anything else but follow Alice dumbly into the kitchen. How did he beat us here? And I was still trying to wrap my mind around that fact that he _lived _here, and that if I spent the night, then he would be here, close at hand, as well…

The man in debate was leaning against the counters in the sizable, contemporary kitchen, with its black countertops and gleaming silver fridge. Though the kitchen was amazing, all my eyes could focus on was him. He stared at me too, grinning very slightly. "I told you I'd see you soon," he murmured.

"How did you get here?" I asked the question that was bugging me. "Er, why didn't you ride with Alice, I mean?"

"I got another ride," he said smoothly, crossing his arms. There was something about the way he said it that left me unsatisfied, but I decided to not press the issue.

"Is Jasper in our room?" Alice asked him next, tilting her head.

He nodded at her. "I think so."

"Good. I'm going to go get him. In the meantime, can you get Bella something to eat?" Alice was already walking away, not giving him the choice.

This was all bit surreal to me. Being in another person's house, seeing the casualness of how they interacted, and then of course there was the overwhelmingly bizarre fact that _Edward _was here. I really didn't understand how they'd failed to mention this before now.

Edward unfolded his arms slowly as he looked at me; well it was actually feeling more like he was _examining _me. "What would you like?" he questioned. "I know we have left-over pizza. Is that okay, or would you prefer something else?"

"That's fine," I said quickly, standing with my arm in my one hand. I felt a tad awkward and out-of-place. Edward raised a brow as he crossed to the gleaming fridge. "You can sit down you know," he told me, sounding a bit amused.

I hastily took a seat, wincing at the sound of the chair legs being pulled on linoleum.

If he noticed my jumpiness, he didn't comment. I watched as he opened the fridge door and pulled out the plastic-wrapped pizza. I noticed that the contents of the refrigerator were actually pretty sparse when you considered three people lived here. But maybe they just needed to go grocery shopping.

I considered the oddity of the situation as Edward put the unwrapped pizza on a plate and heated it up in the microwave. My dad would completely flip if he knew I lived alone with two men. I wondered what Alice's parents thought.

Edward set the heated food in front of me with one long-fingered, graceful hand, taking the seat across from me. "Thanks," I smiled at him. His answering smile was soft but brilliant.

I felt self-conscious with his eyes on me as I began eating, taking a bite.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked after a noisy swallow.

"I'm not especially hungry right now," he said, his gaze never wandering. I cleared my throat.

"I've been meaning to ask…what's your last name?" Maybe I could solve one mystery.

Edward looked mildly surprised, as if he thought I already knew, or he already told me. "Masen," he said finally. "I guess I never introduced myself properly, but my name's Edward Masen."

"Well I'm Bella Swan," I grinned.

"I know," he said quietly. "Alice told me."

I contemplated how much she seemed to be informing him about me, and how little I knew of him. Except for the fact that he was beautiful, made me feel strange things, was aloof and elusive, and could touch my bare skin and seemed to want to. Which was the strangest thing of all, but I wasn't going to complain.

Alice came back in moments later, holding the hand of a tall blond man. I could see he was very attractive too, though he didn't _attract_ me; not like Edward did. He was tall. Much taller than Alice, with honey-blond locks, angled features, and hazel eyes. He smiled genially when our eyes met.

"Jasper, this is Bella, and Bella, this is Jasper," Alice said, gesturing her hand between the two of us. They walked closer so Jasper could extend his hand. I held out my gloved one, hoping that whatever kept Alice from cringing away from me was true for him too.

It was. He took my hand without hesitation and shook it firmly. "Bella," he smiled. "It's so nice to finally meet you. I've heard only good things."

I blushed. His smiled widened. "You're right Edward," he said, his eyes flicking to him. "She is cute when she blushes."

I didn't think my face could get any redder. Edward looked embarrassed too. "Thanks," he hissed at Jasper.

"What's wrong with admitting the truth?" Alice questioned lightly. She kept her arm wrapped around Jasper's, taking him along with her to the fridge. "That pizza looks good. I think I'm going to have some too."

Jasper rested his hand on her shoulder. I watched every contact they made. I could feel the longing in my own face. "Go sit down," he told her. "I'll fix it for you."

Smiling, she reached onto her tip-toes to kiss his cheek, but even still he had to lean down substantially for her to do it. And he didn't look like he minded one bit.

I yanked my eyes back to my food, taking a firm bite.

"Seriously Bella," Alice commented, taking the seat next to me. My heart flipped. "I don't get how you eat with gloves on."

I shrugged. "I'm used to it," I told her. I didn't want to take them off, didn't want to break whatever spell that made these people willing to touch me. I didn't even want to experiment because I didn't want to chance ruining a good thing.

As Alice and I ate, she and Jasper made light conversation. I stayed silent out of habit. Maybe Edward did too. Neither of us spoke in any case. I was having fun enough listening to the two of them.

"I'm telling you," Alice said sternly. "The bed is off center."

"It's not Alice. I measured it myself," Jasper countered.

It sounded like an argument. But it wasn't. The way they interacted, it was like everything they said was just a personal joke designed specifically for the two of them. Any complaining, snide comments, or teasing was all in jest.

I didn't have a lot of experience in the area, but anyone could've seen that they were in love with each other. This fact registered to me within five minutes of being around them without all that much surprise, or even a huge, ground-shaking epiphany. It simply was.

It was strange. I expected it to fill me with even more longing, and maybe it would later. But for right now, I was too busy basking in the glow that they emitted together to feel anything but content, just as I was.

It also didn't hurt matters that mine and Edward's ankles somehow got tangled up again.

"Don't you have to go back to class?" Jasper asked at some point.

Alice glanced at the clock. "Oh yeah," she noted casually. "I should probably get on that."

Jasper retrieved both of our dishes and took them to the sink. Alice walked over to him to get a kiss good-bye. I _did _have to look away at that. I felt Edward's eyes on me, and I pressed my ankle tighter to his, finding comfort in the contact.

"You don't have anymore class, do you Bella?" Alice confirmed as she walked past me. I shook my head. "Well feel free to stay here," she offered happily. "I'm sure someonecould use the company." There was no pointed infliction in her voice, but I could still tell who she meant. Mine and Edward's eyes met yet again.

Jasper put the clean and dried dishes away, and went after Alice to walk her to the door. Edward and I were alone again.

"So…" Feeling unsure once more, I toyed with the tips of the fingers of my gloves.

To my surprise, he laughed. "Yes?" he asked, and when I looked up there was good humor in his eyes. Perhaps he realized the absurd strangeness of this - our - entire situation as well.

I shrugged, turning to look out the kitchen window. There were only woods. "Do you guys own that?" I asked, indicating my head towards where I was questioning.

He looked outside briefly. "Obviously not all of it," he said, the corners of his mouth twitching. "But neither does anybody else. We can go out there, if that's what you're getting at."

I nodded gratefully, standing up. Regretfully this meant losing contact with him again, and I tried not to let it show on my face.

Edward led me to the back door of the house, opening it for me and gesturing me through. I walked through it, a little flustered by his gentlemanly behavior. I wasn't used to that.

He walked beside me, relatively close, as we made our way to a path at the beginning of the trees. I held my arms at my side, hoping that he would take my hand again. He didn't, staring straight ahead. The silence was pressing as we entered the path, filled with unsaid words.

"So," I began. I peered up at the thick foliage overhead, raindrops hanging from most of the leaves precariously. "What's your story?"

He glanced at me sharply, confused and looking a little weary. "I mean," I went on, "You know. Where'd you come from. How'd you get here. That kind of thing."

He stared at the damp ground, his lips pursing contemplatively. "Well, I was born in Chicago. And I grew up there. Then I…left. Came here for a short while, before I decided to go back to Illinois. I didn't stay for long, and did some traveling afterwards. Then I came back here." He shrugged. "Met Alice and Jasper this past summer. Been with them since. That's kind of it," he said edgily. I doubted that, but at least I finally had some background.

"Wow," I marveled. "All that traveling and you're so young." He didn't look any older than I was.

"Yeah." He peered up at the treetops too.

"What about you Ms. Swan?" he murmured. "…What's your story?"

I squirmed uncomfortably. "There's not much to say I guess. I lived in Arizona most of my life with my mom, but I came here…most summers, to stay with my dad. He lives in Forks." I looked at him. "Alice used to live there too. Do you know where it is?" He nodded, his eyes tight and intent ahead of us. He looked like he was listening very carefully. "Yeah. I lived in Florida for a couple years when my mom remarried too. But I decided to come back here to go to university."

"Why?" Edward asked, turning his eyes on me. They were alive with something I couldn't read.

"I…I guess," I stammered, distracted, "I just thought it would erm…be good for me." I closed my eyes briefly so I could turn and face ahead. "I never really fit in or felt right down south."

"I understand that," he muttered, a little more to himself than me.

I nodded, and we walked on, the silence a little more content this time, with the waters cleared. "You don't have to wear that you know," Edward said suddenly, gesturing to my gloves. "Not around me you don't."

I swallowed heavily. "Oh - …okay."

His hand reached hesitantly for my wrist, and he carefully wrapped his fingers around it. I cursed the fabric separating our skin. My heart hammered against my chest and I concentrated on my breathing again as he lifted up my hand, his fingers gingerly tugging the glove from it. I watched with wide eyes as he slowly tucked my glove in his pocket. He slipped his hand from my wrist down, lacing his fingers with mine. I closed my eyes in ecstasy. I hoped this became a normal Monday routine. Not that I didn't want to see him during the week. But if I could only have this, that was okay.

We walked on, and the more we got used to it, the tighter our hands clasped until I was sure there was no circulation in my left hand - and I didn't give a damn either.

It was strange, this connection that Edward and I had. So much was unspoken. We both knew there was something up with the other, but neither of us openly questioned it. There were things that we - or at least I - didn't understand about one another. I wondered why he wanted to touch me. He probably wondered why I was so weird when he did. But there was a silent acceptance of all these things - ever since our first cryptic conversation - that we were obviously both okay with. For now.

**

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**

Well, I originally had a lot more planned for this chapter before I realized how much longer it turned out to be. I think I'm glad it worked out this way though, their first re-meeting did deserve a chapter unto itself. So consider this Part 1. I hope you'll like Part 2 =] I think you will.

**Review please! Reviews honestly encourage me to write even faster than I already am.**

**Come play on the Twilighted boards, people are dishing out theories left and right; it's fun to watch. I'm exempt from participating as that would require me giving answers I refuse to give, but I'm sure it's as fun to chat as it is to observe. I'm thinking I might just post a teaser for Part 2 later today as well.**

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian **


	7. Scars Down To My Bones

_I just don't want to die without a few scars._

_**Fight Club, **_by Chuck Pahalniuk

_

* * *

_

Take my hand,

_Come back to the land,  
__Where everything's ours  
__For a few hours.  
__Let me see you stripped  
__Down to the bone._

**Stripped **by Shiny Toy Guns

* * *

When I turned away from the cliff-face, I was expecting to see Edward standing at the edge of the dark forest, as per usual. This time, I was surprised to see no dark forest, but the sitting room of Alice's house, one of the only rooms I'd seen. And what surprised me more was that Jasper was the one sitting there, lounging back into the red material of a chair. He gestured his hand invitingly towards the couch adjacent to him.

"Make yourself at home Bella," he smiled. "This is the one place you really can be yourself."

"And where are the others?" I asked, taking a seat where he indicated. The couch truly was comfortable, and there was no resisting leaning back with a sigh.

"Well, when you're on your own you can be, I suppose, because no one's around to misunderstand. But other than that, I'm really not sure. Even with your friends, you have to hold back. Your other friends, that is."

"Er, that's interesting to know, but I was actually asking where Alice and Edward are," I frowned.

He shook his head. "You only think you were. You want answers Bella Swan."

I crossed my arms. "I truly don't. I just want a way out."

He gave me a small smile with a touch of pity in it. "How can you fix the unknown? It's like magically appearing at your destination without ever having taken a road to get there. You just can't do it."

I squinted my eyes at him. "Oh. So you're one of those people that do the cryptic yet wise metaphors are you? Well, I guess there always has to be one. " He didn't respond, but waited for me to take him seriously. I sighed, and started fixing books on the coffee table that hadn't been there a moment ago. "I'm scared," I confessed. "There are some things in this world that once you see, you can never forget. Things that once you know, you can never erase. There's a lot of stuff I'm not sure about, but I do know _that_." I fiddled with my fingers. My gloves were missing. "I already know I'm not going to like the answer. But fine." I closed my eyes, swallowing hard. "Tell me."

"I can't," he said softly. My eyes snapped open in disbelief.

"But you _know_!" I cried.

"Yes. But I won't tell you. Can't, in a lot of ways. It's not my place."

"And whose place is it?" I demanded.

He smiled again. "I think you already know."

I felt a brush of very familiar fabric softly caressing my neck. I sucked in a breath. Leather. I turned around and there was Edward, my glove on his hand, leaning down next to me.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He held up the gloved hand directly in between us, twisting it this way and that. His eyes stayed glued upon it, refusing to meet my eyes. "Avoiding," he finally admitted, and then vanished.

I awoke with the bitter taste of disappointment on my tongue, glaring up at my dark ceiling. Well, that was a new dream.

But it wasn't surprising. The new people I was meeting always seemed to crop up in my dreams that very same night. I glanced at my clock. One in the morning. Tuesday. But it'd only been a matter of hours since I was last at Alice's house, walking in the forest with Edward hand in hand.

I called that memory forward with a rush of pleasure. We didn't say much, just walked on for about another half hour, enjoying the contact. I know I was; I think it's safe to say he was too. On the way back he started moving his thumb, lightly brushing it against the side of my wrist. Encouraged, I start caressing the back of his hand with my own thumb, and that was when it struck me that this was the first time I was taking initiative with him. I was so blown away and overwhelmed with being _touched _that the possibility of _touching_ had escaped me.

I would remember that lesson. Because I recalled that when those two things were brought together in tandem, it was almost enough for me to pass out again.

My hand tingled still where it had been held for over an hour. My ankles throbbed where they remembered pressure. I turned over in my bed, wrapping my arms around my pillow, wanting to hold on to something desperately. It wasn't good enough.

Sighing, I got up and walked to my suitcase, which still held a few things in it. I unzipped it and pull it slowly open, reaching inside to grab the furry, sizable teddy bear I'd bought many years ago. It was useful when I wanted to hold something.

His name was Marvin. He had cotton candy blue fur, big, black plastic eyes, and a pink yarn smile. He was very soft. I laid back down on my bed and pulled Marvin up to my neck, wrapping my arms around him tightly. His short bear arms found their place on either side of my neck. It was like being hugged.

I planted a soft kiss on the top of his head, the lower half of my face sinking a centimeter or two into his fake fur. I buried my face into his, trying to find a comfort in it. This usually worked. But now I had fresh memories of real skin against mine to cheapen it.

"I'm sorry Marvin," I murmured into his head. "It's not you, it's me. You're still one of the best friends I've ever had."

Marvin didn't say anything, and I'd like to believe he understood. His friendly black eyes and pink smile let me think so. I held him tighter regardless, my thumb stroking his paw and thinking of another, more substantial, hand.

~*~

My math class was particularly grueling in the morning. I scowled the whole way through it, and only calmed down a little by the time physics rolled around.

"Inertia," Mr. Davison announced, his normal enthusiasm present. "We all know what that is…right?" he asked, a little uncertainly.

"Newton's first law of motion," someone called out.

I smiled a little, thinking of Mike. I tilted my notes to the side, scribbling in the margins. I started to draw a hand, but erased it. It didn't look like a hand at all, but more like four bloated sausages.

"…object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by another force…"

I was so tired. My eyes were half-shut, trying my best to stay open. I wished I slept better. I hated my nightmares. Newton's first law rolled around my brain hazily as I copied down the definition, my hand heavy and laden.

I used to be an object in motion. And then I fell off that stupid cliff and some cold breezy force acted upon me, halting me in my tracks. _F=ma_; m=the mess of my life, a=0. F=fate is cruel. I vaguely recalled this as Newton's second law.

I was way too tired for this.

But then I thought of Angela and Mike; Alice and Jasper; Edward. Perhaps fate wasn't so cruel when you let it play out.

Absentmindedly, my hand began to scrawl words in the margin of my paper.

_Mass is the mess of my life, + Mike too._

_Acceleration is absolute zero, yet Alice is opposite._

_F= fate,_

_And F= friends._

_Maybe F = my redemption._

_Physics is kinda cool and Newton rules._

_I like it too, Mr. D_

_But this does not really rhyme._

Giving up, I set my pen down and put my cheeks in my hands, leaning my head over my physics book to pretend like I was reading that. In actuality, I closed my eyes and let myself rest until the end of class, where I blearily wrote down the homework assignment and joined the crowed heading to lunch, ignoring for once the distance I received.

Again, I was the first person at the lunch table. By this third week, there were some definite patterns already established. I drank a bit of my Coke, hoping that the caffeine would jitter me up some. I expected Mike or Angela to come to the table, but I was shocked to see Eric Yorkie headed my way instead. Following him was a brown-skinned boy I recognized as having sat here last Monday too, when I hadn't. They were talking with each other, laughing, until they looked up and saw me sitting here. They abruptly swerved right and found another table to sit at a distance away. Exhaustion making me irritable, I stuck my tongue out at them, but their backs were turned.

"Nice," Angela chuckled as she sat down across from me. "They probably deserved that."

"Do they sit here too?" I wondered.

"Only on Mondays," she said, looking at me apologetically. "But to be honest it's kind of a relief. I don't particularly like either of them, especially Tyler. They're Mike's friends." She mixed up the dressing on her salad. "It makes me miss having another girl around."

"Oh." I felt a tad guilty. "I'm not trying to abandon you guys - you could come sit with us if you wanted - "

"Oh no, I don't think you're abandoning us," she smiled. "Don't worry. But I'm thinking I might take you up on the offer."

I stared, shocked. Especially after hanging around Mike for so long, I hadn't expected her to actually say yes.

She shrugged. "I just feel like maybe I'm being too judgmental with Alice sometimes. And I was raised to _not _be that way. So I figure there can't be any harm in trying to get to know her again."

My answering smile was wide and happy; revived. "You won't regret it," I promised.

"Regret what?" Mike asked, plopping into his seat beside Angela.

"Oh…we were just discussing how we think we're going to let you have your male bonding time on Mondays girl-free," Angela explained.

Mike looked upset. "You're _both _leaving on Mondays now?" he asked, dejected.

"Er…" Angela and I shared a look. "Didn't think you'd be that hung up about it, to be honest…"

"No no, don't mind me," he said angrily, stabbing his food with more force than perhaps called for.

Unsure of what to say, we just ate in silence for a few minutes. After a while, Mike seemed to calm down. "So, do you guys want to do something this weekend?" he asked.

Angela looked thoughtful. "That sounds like fun. I think I need a break from all the academics."

Mike looked at me expectantly.

I shifted a little, neck and ears growing warm. "I…have plans for this weekend too already," I admitted sheepishly. "Sorry. But next weekend, I won't plan anything, I promise."

"You have something _else _to do this weekend?" he asked disbelievingly, as if having weekend plans was unheard of. "Why do you always have something to do?" he demanded.

"Christ Mike!" Angela exploded. "Wow, because people can't have lives on the weekend? Or if they do they _have _to include you? Why is this such a surprise? And besides, am I not good enough company for you? It doesn't sound fun if I'm the only one there?"

Mike looked stunned. "N-no, that's not it at all Ang! I just - "

"Don't call me Ang," she growled, and pushed back from the table forcefully, stomping away to throw out her food and leave.

Mike's face went through a range of emotions starting at guilt and finally deciding on anger. "Can you believe her?" he asked me. "What is her _problem_ anyway. Everything I say she takes like a personal insult. I just don't understand her at all." He went back to stabbing his food. "Women," he muttered irritably under his breath.

I was starting to suspect a few things about them and their relationship, based on my observations these past couple of weeks. "Maybe I should go check on her," I suggested.

"Yeah, just leave me too," he said, looking at me sullenly.

I felt torn. "Mike, it's not like that," I tried to explain. "I guess I can stay - "

"No, go ahead," he said resignedly. "She's the one with the problem anyway."

I didn't know how to say what I really wanted to. Instead I told him, rather cryptically, "People don't always act the way they feel."

Walking away, I knew he hadn't understood, but it was the best I could do for now. I caught up to Angela on a sidewalk a ways from the cafeteria. I'd had to jog to find her.

"Hey," I panted, slowing to a walk beside her. "Are you okay?"

She didn't say anything, but suddenly swerved to sit on a bench against a brick building, crossing her arms. I sat down, giving her enough distance to make her feel comfortable.

"I don't know," she said miserably. "I just don't know anything anymore."

"Hey, come on now," I told her. "That's not true."

She didn't say anything, and I gave her the silence for a few minutes. But I wanted her to know that I knew, and she could talk to me about it. "So…" I began. "You and Mike, hm?"

She sighed, and let her head fall back, staring at the sky. I noticed that she really did have the prettiest skin. "It's complicated," she said finally.

"I think I can keep up," I said carefully, wanting her to know that I wouldn't press if she really didn't want to talk. But I doubted that.

She began tracing patterns on the arm of the bench. "I just don't see how it would work out," she admitted. "I know I like him, a lot, but…even if he _did _like me…I mean, whenever I try to picture us together, it usually ends badly. Like I don't know if he could be…serious enough. And I would want a real relationship."

I looked at the pearly grey sky and the softly swirling clouds. "I think you're underestimating him. And I think he could definitely like you as much as you like him. He's being a blind guy right now, and I don't think he's opened his eyes to certain things…but when he does, I think he'd be serious about it."

She bowed her head for a moment or two. "I think he's had sex," she suddenly blurted out.

I stayed silent, waiting for her to continue.

"I know that that's not so unusual…and it's kind of to be expected. And I know I shouldn't really care or judge based on that, because what people did in past relationships shouldn't be what I think about _here_, in the present, but…" She bit her lip. "I dunno. I guess I just always had this romantic's idea in my head that I'd be somebody's first…like that would make us stronger or closer or," she took a deep breath, "I don't know. Something stupid like that. It's silly really. I shouldn't even be thinking like that; it shouldn't really be a reservation."

"I don't think so," I told her quietly. "I think that sounds like what most people would want. I certainly do." My mind flashed to Edward. Had he ever had sex? At first I would have thought a resounding 'yes,' but he seemed almost as starved of contact as I was. Which was a ridiculous notion. "I guess I've just kind of given up on it a little."

She sighed. "I know I should too. It'll never end well for me if I don't."

I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to tell her not give up on it, but what if Mike _had _had sex before? "So you and Ben…" I asked instead, "Never…?"

"No." She shook her head. "I just couldn't do it, not with my father being a preacher. It just would've been too weird and uncomfortable to come home knowing that I'd did that, and have to look at him in the face everyday. I know I wouldn't have been able to keep it secret." She looked rather forlorn. "I've wondered sometimes…if maybe that's why Ben moved on…if maybe he was tired of waiting." I watched as she discreetly wiped a tear from her eye.

"Then he definitely wasn't worth it," I said firmly. "If a guy doesn't care enough to wait for however long it takes, then he didn't deserve to have sex with you anyway."

She gave me a watery smile. "Thanks Bella. For everything. I wish…" She looked unsure then, as if she didn't know how to say what she wanted to say. "Thanks," she said instead.

I smiled back before glancing at my watch. "I should probably go. Classes will be starting soon."

She nodded. "Ditto. See you later."

I waved good-bye and started heading towards my next lesson, cutting in between a narrow opening between two buildings. My heart jolted when I saw Edward, probably the last person I'd expect to see, pass by the entrance, his expression focused. He did a double-take when he saw me and his expression grew relieved. He walked forward to meet me.

"Hello," he greeted quietly, grinning.

I blushed. "Hi."

I watched as he rubbed the back of his head, messing his hair up even more. My hand twitched suddenly, wanting to be the fingers running through his locks, seeing if they felt as soft as they looked.

"I was wondering," he said slowly. "If maybe we could…hang…out…later?" He looked like he couldn't believe he was saying this.

"Oh." My face colored again. "Sure. If-if you want to. Where, like the library or…?"

"Well no," he said, looking highly uncomfortable. "I was thinking somewhere a little more personal. If that's…okay…with you, and I'll understand if not. I mean I'm not trying to suggest…anything…you don't want, it's just," he stammered, rambling. I found it strangely endearing, since it was a side of him I hadn't seen before.

"It's fine," I said, smiling softly. "Do you want come by my dorm later? I got boarded alone, so I don't have a room mate or anything…"

"I'm sorry," he said gently, and this surprised me, for most people would've told me this was lucky. I didn't feel that way of course, and it surprised me that he understood. But I guess it shouldn't have.

"It's fine," I said again. "I'm in number thirty-four on the second floor. I'll be there anytime after four. See you then?" I asked, a little uncertain about the idea that he would actually show up. That would be just too amazing.

"Yes," he agreed quietly, and picked up my gloved hand, squeezing it softly. I swallowed and squeezed back tighter. His thumb moved my sleeve up a few inches and he brought my hand up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to the top of my wrist. I closed my eyes, sighing softly. His lips were the most divine thing I'd ever felt in all my years, and even more so now.

And then people wonder why I'm distracted in the rest of my classes. Edward Masen was not good for my grades.

~*~

At five o'clock, there was a series of soft raps on my door. I threw down the book I'd been attempting to read - but had failed due to my incessant glancing at the clock for the last hour - and ran my hand quickly through my hair, straightening my clothes before forcing myself to calmly walk to the door and open it.

There he was. Looking handsome and almost as nervous as I was. I stared at him in awe, hardly daring to believe that this was real. My life had gotten so shaken up recently. It was what I wanted, in my mind - but I clearly hadn't been prepared for it.

"Can…I come in?" he asked, smiling crookedly at me. I swallowed against my suddenly parched throat.

"Oh yes, yes of course," I croaked, holding the door open wider and stepping back.

He stepped inside and I shut the door with an unnecessary amount of concentration, not quite ready to look at him yet.

"Erm, I don't really know what to do now," I confessed, turning back to him. "Any ideas?"

He smiled at me, making my heart skip a beat, before seating himself at my desk chair. "I was thinking we could just talk," he suggested. "Get to know each other better. I know _I'd_ like to get to know you better." His green eyes were like a living, breathing forest. Trying to retain my composure, I moved to sit cross-legged on my bed, facing him.

"I'd like that," I whispered, returning his smile with a shy one of my own.

"I'm glad," he responded, looking quite serious about it. His eyes wandered down my body, down my arm. "…I know this sounds weird to say out loud, and feel free to say no, but I was wondering if…maybe I could hold your hand while we talked?"

I couldn't help myself. I felt my face light up in a goofy grin that was far more embarrassing than any question he could ask. "Like I'm going to say no," I scoffed, scooting closer to the edge of the bed so I was directly in front of where he sat. I'd purposefully left my gloves off. I mean, he'd said I didn't need to wear them around him, right?

Our hands met half-way and our fingers linked. I felt the familiar sensations of a beating heart, pounding blood, and the urge to hyperventilate as an unprecedented warmth filled me from his rather chill fingers. I felt at home again, I decided.

"So," he started, letting our hands drop between us, intertwined. "What's your favorite color?"

I looked at him, surprised. Then I grinned wryly at him. "Questions like that are always what I imagine you need to know when you want to buy someone a gift. Not know their personalities." It was true. I had watched before as the best of friends came up completely stumped for gifts.

"Ah yes, but," Edward lightly argued, "Isn't what people want as gifts a result of who they are? Their personalities?"

"Sure," I scowled, but not willing to keep arguing over it, and quite hesitant to answer the question. I fiddled with a string in my sheet, as was my habit. "Green," I whispered, resisting the urge to blush.

"You live in a good place for that then," he noted. "Everything here is green."

I looked up and met his eyes, bright and jewel-like. "Yes," I agreed quietly. "It is." Realizing I'd been staring a bit too intensely, I cleared my throat. "What about yours?"

"I used to think I didn't have one. But I've started acquiring a liking for chocolate brown."

"A sweet tooth?" I guessed.

His eyes narrowed at me, his grin turning wry. "You could say that," he said shrewdly. For some reason, I blushed.

"What's your favorite book?" he asked next.

I breathed out a shaky laugh. "Now there's a loaded question," I warned him. "I have way too many. I can't just pick one."

He did that crooked grin again that made my skin heat and my heart flutter. "Start anywhere. We've got time."

And time did seem to be on our side. We talked for hours, about many things, all of them trivial and nothing soul-searching, but informative and fun all the same. I actually learned some of my own preferences I didn't even know that I had until I had to talk about them.

And I learned that Edward was a Gemini, but he didn't believe in 'that horoscope fiction,' which was just vague descriptions designed for people to fit themselves into. He had an intense love of music, an escape of sorts, the same kind I found in my books. He knew how to play piano and used to want to be in a band. He also trained himself when he was younger not to be ticklish, but regretted it now. He didn't really get on with animals, even though he liked cats; and despised dogs, so that wasn't really a loss.

I found that we had that in common; about not getting on with animals. I felt weird when he mentioned cats, because they were the strangest for me to be around. Most animals ran away from me immediately but cats would usually keep their distance, but stay in the room, staring at me wide-eyed and unblinking, unmoving, except for their slowly swishing tails. I always felt under constant scrutiny around them.

I also found that we just had a lot in common in general; and a lot to disagree on too. That was nice. To not be completely alike or totally opposite. It was refreshing, like a glass of cool water on a hot day. And I found myself seeing him more as a person than the strange, mysterious man that had haunted my life and dreams as of yet.

Oh, he still held an air of unknown certainly. He had secrets that would sometimes darken his eyes and expression, and revert him back to that brooding figure that was the first part of him I'd seen.

But at the end of it all, I did feel more comfortable with him. More than I already did to start with. And that had me giddy the entire time.

At some point, we changed our positions. We laid on the twin bed horizontally, our legs hanging over the side, staring up at the ceiling as we talked. Though we laid side by side, the only parts that touched were our intertwined ankles and hands.

Around nine, we both realized how late it'd gotten, and how long we'd been talking.

"I guess I should go," he smiled ruefully.

"I guess," I agreed grudgingly. I walked him the couple steps to the door.

I took a deep breath in front of it, staring at the individual fibers of his shirt. "Er, I know this sounds weird to say out loud," I said, copying what he'd said before, "And feel free to say no, but I was wondering if…maybe…you could um…give me…" My eyes flashed to my bed, to Marvin, for support. "A hug?"

I crossed my fingers behind my back and hoped.

When I glanced up at his face, I was shocked at the tender expression. "Like I'm going to say no," he mimicked softly.

Our fingers unlaced and fell away from each other, only to have his hands settle gently on my waist, moving around to my back to pull me closer. My shaking hands wrapped around his torso as well, gripping his strong back tightly to try to quell my trembling. He pulled me in close, and I rested my head against his chest, taking slow, deep breaths. I'd been hugged like this - lightly - by my parents before. I could handle this.

And then he did something they hadn't done in a long time. His arms tightened, and then I was being crushed securely against him, breathing in his intoxicating scent - which had to be completely natural, as he said he didn't wear cologne. I gasped out loud, my own arms automatically gripping him closer.

I couldn't even wrap my mind around how this felt. Of how long I'd dreamed to feel this kind of pressure on me. Marvin had never been able to hug me this tight, and neither had my parents. Unbidden, tears sprung to my eyes, and I buried my face in Edward's chest to hide them. He felt so good. _This _felt so good. I'd been missing so much. My mind knew that when I stopped to think about it, but ever since Edward had entered my life and started letting me feel things again, I truly _felt_ in my entire being, penetrating deep in my world-weary bones, how much I'd been missing.

Which made it even harder to let this end.

To my fortune, this wasn't a short embrace. We held each other for quite some time, his hands rubbing my back. He dropped his face to my hair, his breath washing over my scalp and making even more of me tingle hotly.

When we pulled back, I had to force myself to unlock my rigid fingers from his shirt. "Will you come back soon?" I whispered, frantically searching his face for a sign, for anything.

His eyes burned, the forest on fire. "Yes," he promised.

~*~

He didn't show up the next day though. I guess it was to be expected. Two days in a row? Way too good. I shouldn't have expected it. I still sat and fidgeted all through my classes and lunch, distracted enough to ignore the silent glares my two friends were sharing. I guess they hadn't made up yet.

When five o' clock came and went I gave up pacing my room, instead settling down to get some work done. I'd be surprised if any of it was done correctly. I couldn't concentrate on it.

That night I held Marvin tightly to me again. But it wasn't the same. If I thought it wasn't enough before, it was nothing compared to what I felt now. Tears streamed down my face, wetting and clotting his cotton candy blue fur, his short bear arms doing what they could to comfort me, but it just made me feel worse that it did nothing.

I kissed his soft, furry forehead again. "I don't know what's been going on Marvin," I confessed to him a teary whisper. "But it's sure been doing weird things to me. Thanks for putting up with it."

His pink smile was as reassuring as ever.

I was dejectedly finishing up an essay for English on Thursday afternoon when there came a familiar rap at my door. I tripped over myself dashing up to answer it.

And there he was again, in all his masculine, angelic glory, smiling sheepishly at me.

"I know this is probably too soon to come back," he said when he stepped inside. "But I just really wanted to see you - "

I interrupted him by sliding my arms around his waist, hugging him again. I swallowed back the tears I wanted to cry when he held me back, tighter. God, this felt like home. It felt like heaven. Surely no one could ever be as happy and content as I was in this moment, appreciating every second I received.

"And now I wish I'd come back even sooner," he laughed unsteadily, brushing my air with his fingers. I shivered in delight.

"Me too," I confessed.

When we broke apart we sat on my bed like last time, linking hands.

"Are we going to do twenty questions again?" I asked.

"Probably." He grinned briefly before regarding me seriously. "What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?"

So that's the kind of road of questioning we were going down.

There was no way to admit my worst nightmare without sounding nuts, so I didn't even try to word it carefully. "That I would try to touch someone, and they would burn away," I whispered.

I didn't feel as weird admitting this as I thought I would. Sometimes, it felt like he already knew that I hadn't been touched, period, in years. I recalled words of his from a while ago. "_You've been alone too_." It was that kind of thing that made me believe he understood.

He nodded contemplatively, like that was a completely normal dream. "Don't ask me mine," he said, beating me to the chase. "…I don't dream much."

"Well, what's your worst waking nightmare?" I questioned instead.

His eyes tightened. "Something I've already lived. I don't want to talk about it," he confirmed testily, staring brooding holes into my sheets, his eyes a million miles away from here, deep in the recess of memories.

"Okay," I comforted gently, rubbing his hand with my thumb. "I get that." I gave him a moment. "What else?"

"There's so many things…I don't understand," he muttered. He shook his head. "What's the one thing you wish you understood?"

I looked down then. This was another thing I shouldn't admit, but I wanted to. Because I felt like I could. "I wish I understood…why people won't touch me."

There was silence for a few beats. "You know that I'll touch you," he whispered, and I was reverted back to the dream I'd had last week.

I gasped when I felt his fingers underneath my chin, tilting it up. I knew my eyes were wide, and I felt very vulnerable when our eyes met. There was something simultaneously dark and helpless in his. "I _want _to touch you," he whispered, a great weight in it. "And I…know I shouldn't…"

My heart broke in pieces. So he _did _feel an aversion to me too. There was no other explanation for it.

"It's not you Bella," he said abruptly, reading it on my face. "It's truly not."

"There's a new one," I swallowed thickly.

"I'm serious. You have to believe that. This is…all me…" My heart stopped beating as he began to lead in towards me, our faces inches apart. "Though maybe…you too…" he breathed nonsensically, raggedly, as his lips approached mine. My breathing was much too fast, trying to breathe in as much of him as I could.

My eyes fluttered closed, needing to close off at least _one _sense, as his lips pressed lightly against the corner of my mouth, slowly pressing harder.

"_Edward_," I exhaled, my hands automatically clutching his shirt. His lips were beautifully soft and solid as they pressed into my skin. We stayed like that for many long moments, his mouth pressed against the corner of mine. I was in ecstasy.

And I knew it was wrong to be so greedy but…

I wanted more.

"Kiss me." I barely breathed the words, hardly able to hear them myself over the pounding of my heart. I kept my eyes screwed shut so I wouldn't have to see his face if he rejected me.

I heard him swallow noisily, and then the pressure was slowly being lifted off the corner of my mouth and moving, ghosting over my own lips. I sucked in a shaky breath, aching with need. I'd never needed this more.

I thought that I could die happily when his lips pressed against mine. And I'd never been more happy than I was now that I hadn't died all those years ago; because then I never would've gotten to feel _this_.

It was beyond words.

When we pulled away we didn't go very far.

I opened my heavy-lidded eyes to look into his own, inches from mine. "Have you ever wanted to do something impulsive?" I heard myself whispering to him.

He licked his lips involuntarily. "I'm not a very impulsive person usually," he whispered back. "I tend to over-think things. Though I've been doing that less and less as of late." His brow quirked.

"What did you have in mind?"

**

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**

As many of us know, FF has been acting up lately, so boo to that. Fail, FF, fail.

**Remember to come check out the thread for this story on the Twilighted boards, Alternate Universe. The ladies over there are quite sharp and tons of fun.**

**Thanks to all the awesome reviews! I read and smile at each one. Please review again =]**

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	8. Desperate Heart

_You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh._

_**Fight Club**_, Movie

_

* * *

_

If you're still alive, my regrets are few.

_If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?  
__I get wherever I'm going, I get whatever I need,  
__While my blood's still flowing, and my heart's still  
__Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer._

**Help I'm Alive **by Metric

* * *

The first time I woke up, a quick peek under my fluttering eyelids towards my alarm clock told me that it was no later than four in the morning. I quickly realized that the reason I had awoken was due to the pale, long fingers lightly tracing my face; my jaw, my cheekbones, my nose, my lips, my eyelids, my brow. Even in my unconscious state, my body had been aware of him - beating slightly firmer than it should've under the given circumstances. I could feel his face pressed into my neck, and his lips were moving, mumbling something unintelligible currently. I quickly shut my eyes again, hoping he would speak up. Lying with my back against his chest, there were good chances he didn't know I was awake.

And he didn't need to know, if my body behaved. I was still in the heavy, laden phase of stirring from sleep. As awake as I believed myself to be, I knew I would remember it later and realize how sluggish and out of it I truly was.

The back of his fingers wasped down my jaw, coming to nimbly cup my chin. His arm slid sinuously over mine whenever he moved his hand.

"Why you?" I eventually heard him murmur against my skin. His nose lightly skimmed from the base of my neck to my shoulder. "Why me? I don't know…" He sighed, as if in defeat, and fell silent, his hand finally sliding down my body to rest on my stomach. I barely, _barely _restrained a quiver. I had become a bit more accustomed over the hours, but contact was something I could probably never regard carelessly or unappreciatively again.

I waited just a little bit longer, curious if he would start up the muttering again, but he seemed to be finished. Under the pretense of sleep, I rolled over in his arms, snuggling blissfully into his chest even as my mind replayed his words over and over again.

He'd tensed for a brief moment when I moved, but quickly relaxed, stroking my hair as he tucked my head underneath his chin. My skin was getting that pleasant tingly-hot sensation again.

_Why you? Why me? I don't know._ Those words played behind my eyelids like a show, intermingled with images of lips, Edward's lips, hair, glowing eyes, crooked smile, strong jaw, shoulders, chest. And his hands, Edward's hands and gentle words that wrapped me in physical and incorporeal comfort, taking care of me, understanding.

I'm not sure when my recent memories became my dreams, but I eventually realized that I'd fallen asleep again without realizing it. Huh. I never thought it'd be that easy. I was way too comfortable with a man whose secrets he would probably never reveal. To me.

~*~

The next time I awoke, my alarm was going off. My eyes popped open, shocked. This was new. I always woke up before my alarm ever had the chance. Before I could do anything, a pallid, muscularly toned chest was rippling before my eyes, leaning forward and pressing against my face, my body, as he shifted to reach over me and turn the _bring_ing off.

When he leaned back, our eyes met for the first time. My hand, of its own accord, raised to brush stray locks of bronze hair out of his eyes and remained buried there, wrapping pieces around my fingers. I gulped, but I'd gotten hours to get used to being touched last night, and touching. As there hadn't been a lapse in it, I was still desensitized, so to speak. After he left, I'd probably have to start over again. Though hopefully not from scratch this time. Scratch took way too long. I blushed in humiliation, wondering what he must have thought about last night. Even though he hadn't let it show, I _knew _it had to have been frustrating and ultimately unfulfilling.

I didn't see that in his eyes when he smiled down at me though. His own hand brushed hair off of my shoulder, his fingers toying with my bra strap. "Good morning kitten," he murmured in that deep voice of his. That - _kitten_ - was something he'd taken to calling me in the midst of last night. I was too embarrassed and almost scared to ask why. Though, admittedly… I really liked it. "How are you?"

"I don't think I'm going to hyperventilate again," I muttered back, blushing. "For now, anyway."

He smiled wryly, his eyes light. "I'll be careful in the future then," he promised, lying back down, his head nestled in one of his bent arms. The other one trailed down to my bare waist and pulled me to him. "This isn't too much?" he confirmed.

I shook my head, swallowing down a lump. "No. I think I'm used to this much now."

"I'm glad. I think I am too." He rubbed my skin with his thumb. I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply, taking his scent inside me. It was so intoxicating, too much so, even. Leaning forward, I placed a tentative kiss on his chest, keeping my nose there and humming contently. His hand slipped under the back of my bra, rubbing the skin there with tight circles.

"Don't you have to go to class?" Edward finally asked, sounding very vexed by the idea. But I'd already made up my mind last night that all my plans for today - aka, my one class - were officially out the window. I'd just ask Angela for the notes later.

"No," I told him. "I'm playing hooky. I only have one class anyway. Easily made up."

His hand's movements ceased. "If you have class…" he said, warning edge to his voice.

"Oh bugger off," I mumbled sleepily. "You're not my parents. What about you? Don't you have class?"

"No."

"Then it's settled." I yawned. "I'm still a bit tired - I don't normally sleep well." I looked up at him. "Do you mind staying for a while longer?"

"I don't exactly have plans of leaving yet," he murmured.

My mouth quirked up on the side. "Lucky me," I sighed happily. Closing my eyes, I slid my hands down both of his arms, finding his wrists and gently dragging them around my body to hold me. Edward seemed to catch the drift, and held me in a firm embrace against him. My skin flushed hotly, my heart raced. But I was more used to it than ever before, and therefore better controlled. I could focus more on the pleasure of this simple embrace, rather than my body's own interruptions.

"Well, if you're going to break the rules, you might as well make the most of it," he muttered, though more to himself than me I think. He sighed. "Sleep well kitten." His fingers brushed the circles under my eyes. "You deserve it."

My throat tightened, and I kept my eyes firmly shut. No one had ever said that to me before. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I didn't at all.

I never actually fell back asleep, but I did doze and rest more thoroughly than I had in a very long time, so that when I fully awoke a couple hours later, I felt completely refreshed. I rolled over onto my back and arched, stretching my back and groaning. I held it for a few seconds, relishing the feeling of coiling and consecutively unwinding in my muscles. Letting my stretched arms fall back onto the bed I quickly realized what was missing - besides my shirt.

"Edward?" I asked blearily, blinking. I felt a sort of dull panic bubble up. Oh, he really _had _left, hadn't he? I should've known.

"Here," came his voice softly, off to my right. I looked around quickly, and he was sitting in my computer chair, watching me and still miraculously, beautifully shirtless.

"Sorry," he murmured, lips lifting on one corner. "I thought you'd be more comfortable with room to stretch out."

"I'm comfortable with you," I said firmly. I didn't even feel too shy about it. I'd never felt more vulnerable than I had last night, with him so close that I could hide absolutely nothing, and he'd done nothing but be sweet and kind. My feelings for him slipped deeper and I was aware of it, and also aware that I didn't mind.

He smiled a strange grin, something that bordered on joyous and dismal. His eyes were alive, a jungle teeming with frantic movement. Perhaps a storm was coming.

Edward moved then with a slow yet fluid grace, perching himself on the edge of my bed, next to me. His hand lifted and gently settled over my thudding heart, fingers brushing my collarbones, palm pressing against the exposed portion of my breast. I closed my eyes, biting my lip as I felt the sparks.

"Does your heart pound because of me," he asked quietly, "or because you're not used to this?"

I sucked in a breath, resting my fingers lightly on his wrist, and the back of his hand. "I thought it would've just been the latter, before, but I'm starting to think it's both," I confessed. I tried sliding his hand down to cup my chest, wanting to feel that glorious sensation again, but he took his hand away.

He looked down at his watch, a strong, silver number that looked a little wear-worn, but still obviously expensive and cared for. I leaned forward a bit to read the time, but he tilted his wrist so it faced him only. "They'll be wondering where I am," Edward commented, referring to his room mates, and reached down to the floor to retrieve his shirt, sliding it back on. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Covering up his chest was like watching the sun retreat behind the clouds. The room seemed a little dimmer for it.

I decided I might as well follow his lead, feeling silly being the only one shirtless, and pulled my discarded blouse back on.

I couldn't help the sinking feeling in my gut as I watched him lace up his shoes and stand, preparing to leave.

"I'm sorry," I suddenly blurted out, standing from the bed. We were on opposite sides of it, and I found that rather fitting for the moment. Separation was heavy in the air.

He looked confused, his heavy brows drawn together. Back again was that expression of perplexity. "What for?" he asked incredulously.

I chewed on the tip of my nail for a minute, holding my arm. An idiosyncratic habit. I looked down at the floor, my courage failing me. "You know for…everything, for last night," I mumbled. "I mean, I know I was really frustrating, and it didn't really go as far as you probably hoped, and I _had _actually planned on going…farther, and I'm sorry I just couldn't…handle it. And for freaking out on you so much. You were really nice and - and great and I appreciate it, but I can't imagine it was all that fun for y - "

I felt my chin being yanked up then to stare into his stern face. I hadn't even realized he'd moved.

His lips descended upon mine, softly, deeply. My mouth trembled as I tried to hold back my moans. I could control myself. I would. My hands clenched into rigid fists. I wasn't going to hyperventilate, I wasn't going to require that he give me moments to stop and pull myself together, and I most certainly wasn't going to _cry _again. I had done all those things last night and my mortification now ran deep.

"I don't know," he started when he pulled away, his voice dangerously muted, "what I did to make you believe that it was anything less than one of the best experiences I've ever had, and for that I apologize - "

I interrupted him, my face ten kinds of red, unable to accept his pity-lie about being one of his _best experiences_. "But we didn't really do anything!" I exploded. "I mean, all we did was kiss and do a little bit of touching - !"

His long, tapered finger across my lips was all it took to make me shut up at once, my breath catching. "It wasn't. Just a little. To me."

And there was no way I couldn't believe him when he said it like that.

I exhaled slowly. "And you know it wasn't for me either," I commented quietly.

"Yes," he agreed. He took a step back, heading for the door. "Are you still spending the night tomorrow?"

"Wha - ?" It took me a second to remember what he was talking about. Alice's house. Spending the night. At Alice's house - where he also lived. Right. "Oh, yes. Definitely."

"I'll see you there then…kitten." And with one last private smile in my direction, he had disappeared out the door, quiet and graceful as a shadow.

I had to sit down on my bed for a few minutes to clear my head and take stock of my bearings, for I had, for a moment, somehow forgotten how to breathe, and was much less able of even recalling my own name.

I put my head in my hands, and forced myself to think things over.

Last night _definitely_ hadn't gone as I had hoped it to. When I asked Edward to do something impulsive with me, I was thinking of going all the way, of course. But as it turned out, my body just wasn't ready to handle that much contact yet.

Which really made me angry. My mind was ready - I wasn't about to let my body hold me back. I never could shake that feeling that if I didn't do a little seizing of the day, that it was all going to vanish before I got the chance to do anything ever again.

The thing is, I've never really been a fan of baby steps. I only take them when I have to; when it's not just up to me. But I _am_ in control of this - myself. I _should _be. It was like when it came time to take off one of those super-adhesive bandages, the ones that don't like to detach from your skin. I never liked removing it tug by tug. Ripping it off quickly was easier and more effective; it stung, but faded faster.

My mind wanted to go into the same mindset with this. I didn't want hours, days, weeks, months to slowly get accustomed to the feeling of being touched. I didn't want to give it a chance to go away by not seizing the opportunity when I had it. I wanted it all, right now. I _wanted _to be overwhelmed. I didn't want to drown; I wanted to _burn_ - completely, totally, consumed. Hot heaven. I was quickly learning that that was the only good way to hurt, to die. Because you'll never live more in your life than when you're feeling that.

And I was determined to feel it, one way or another.

And what a better opportunity than tomorrow, when I was to spend the night?

I fell back on the bed, my imagination getting away with me. I saw myself arriving, and Alice patting my shoulder or squeezing my hand as she was wont to do. I'd smile, and quickly get over that initial feeling of awkwardness, because Dream-Jasper had been right; I felt very at place in their home. Edward would probably not appear at first, because he was rarely there exactly when I wanted him to be. Alice and I would do something fun, something sleep-overy. What did girls do at those things? I envisioned movies, popcorn, the smell of nail polish. And subsequent nail polish remover. Hopefully.

And then when it came time to go to bed…Alice would disappear into her and Jasper's room, and Edward would make his appearance. Take me by the hand, take me to his bedroom, wherever that was. I envisioned somewhere upstairs - but it might be down. I hadn't seen that much of the house. He would close the door quietly, and come up behind me where I stood in the middle of his bedroom, a very hazy place, as I didn't even want to get into imagining the mystery that his room would be. His lips would plant his tell-tale soft kisses along my neck, my jaw. My skin tingled in real life with growing patches of heat, my memory serving me well, remembering with perfect clarity _those _kisses. My fingers brushed my skin, replacing them with a very different set of fingers in my mind.

In my head, we didn't have to say anything. We just knew. His hands brushed tantalizingly across my flesh as he took my clothes off, and I did something wanton and sexy; quite the opposite of what I was more apt to do, but it was _my _fantasy after all. "You're beautiful, kitten," he'd whisper. I didn't have to use my imagination for that one. My mind conjured that up from last night. I shivered. My jeans would fall to the floor. And then…I'd be revealed wearing some very unsexy, mismatched cotton undergarments.

Which was all I had. Damn it.

I glanced at my alarm clock. It was early yet, which worked in my favor. I would most definitely be needing it, my "skills" in this area being decidedly lacking. I sighed.

I knew what I had to do now.

Double damn it.

~*~

The mall had only been open for a short while when I pulled in, able to get a very decent parking space due to the hour, and it being a weekday. It was strange; the mall was something I always envisioned opened, except for late at night, but it didn't actually open until late in the morning. Thankfully that inconvenience didn't interfere this time.

I sat in my truck for quite some time, fiddling with my gloves. A part of me, this new part, this reeling part, this part that woke up in a man's arms, nearly bare torsos pressed together, _that _part - wanted to abandon the gloves. Wanted to see if the world would treat me different now. But the old part, the

weary, jaded part that had walked this trek so many times only to be let down, disappointed, and distressed told me to leave them on, that now was not the time to try again.

_Bugger it_, I thought. With a heated vengeance, I tore the gloves from my hands, and threw them into the passenger seat like discarded friends. Which I guess they were.

The flame inside me dimmed and settled to a low simmer as soon as I'd opened the door, breathing in reality. I stood, rigid, staring at the sizable building over the tops of a few cars. Scenarios ran through my mind, each one worse than the last. The fire flared feebly, trying to reignite its spark, but it was too late. Sighing, I gave in. I turned around and placed my gloves in my bag to bring with me. Just in case.

It was strange to see the mall this empty. I heard each tap of my shoes at they hit the tile. Only a couple otherwise unengaged shoppers passed by me as I walked through. Peering inside the shops I went by, I saw that many of the clerks did not look entirely awake themselves, coffee cups in hands, and yawns permeating their straightening up or tottering around.

When I started to approach my destination I gulped a little. My hands shook. Maybe started to sweat a tad, even. I glanced around shiftily, hoping no one I knew would be here. And then I remembered that that was a grand total of about five people, so my caution was wasted anyway. But who knows. Stranger things have happened.

I am living proof of that.

The glowing pink sign with its black accents was like a beacon for humiliation. I tried desperately not to look at the pictures of the models on the way in, less my courage falter.

A salesgirl - lounging tiredly against a plastic, glossy table filled with tiny scraps of fabric called underwear - noticed me and sat up. "Welcome to Victoria Secrets," she smiled. "Can I help you find something?"

"Erm, no, I'm just looking, thanks," I muttered, trying to avoid eye contact. That was the trick with these commission workers, who, in truth, scared me quite a bit.

"Okay, well if you need any help I'm Amanda, and feel free to ask me anything." Her smile was wide and practiced, though not entirely fake.

I smiled back a little. "Thanks."

Looking around and browsing through all the displays and racks, I felt like a little girl playing in the grown-up part of the store. Then I remembered that I _was_ a grown-up and there was nothing wrong with being here or looking around or, god forbid, buying anything.

I still felt like I was trying too hard.

But why? What was wrong with wanting to buy something nice and pretty to make me feel nice and pretty? Why was that such a crime? Why couldn't I do it?

The arguments were sound enough. But I still didn't feel right. Everything here was lacy and revealing and sexy…everything I didn't feel like I was.

But college was all about experimenting and growing up and moving on with things. I just needed to get with the program and get over it.

I wondered what Edward would think.

In all honesty, that was what was scaring me. Would he like it? Would _he _think I was trying too hard? Would it even matter what I was wearing because he wouldn't want to do _that _with me anyway?

I shook away my traitorous thoughts and focused more on the situation at present. What should I buy? A nightgown? A slip? Start off sexy? Or go back to my daydream and buy sexy undergarments to go underneath it all?

I hovered between a display of bras and a rack of nightgowns nervously, contemplating.

I walked around, my arms tucked around myself, feeling more and more overwhelmed.

"Are you sure you don't need any help?" I startled and turned right. It was the salesgirl, uh, Amanda. She was looking appropriately concerned.

I wrung my hands, thinking. "I…I guess. See I'm not really sure what I'm…" My mind made up itself in that moment. "I'm looking for a nightgown. Something pretty but nothing really…over the top."

She smiled reassuringly. "I can help you with that. We just got in this shipment of soft nighties - they're so gorgeous but nothing sex kitten, I promise. Plus, can you say comfortable? I bought one for myself and I don't regret it. Trust me, they're _so _nice," she gushed, leading me the whole time towards a rack hanging on the wall on the other side of the store from where we'd been.

In all fairness, the nighties weren't half bad. They were definitely feminine, with a bit of lace trim. But at least they weren't like…satin, or silk. They looked like something I _could_ wear. Fairly confidently. Yet I couldn't shake off the lingering doubt, that voice nagging that I was going about this all wrong. I reached out a touched a pale blue one. It looked like it would only go down to mid-thigh. I thought briefly about all the scars I'd accumulated over the years, small, pale, barely there ones. Ones I could imagine Edward kissing tenderly, as was his style from what I'd seen so far.

Sighing, I turned my head right, looking at the exit. Something in a store window across the way caught my attention, and I did a double-take, squinting to try to see it better.

"Hmm…you look like a small would fit you nicely, I think. You want to try it on?" Amanda asked.

"Erm, no, but thank you so much," I muttered distractedly, inching closer to the exit, still trying to see better. When I finally got a good view of it I actually laughed out loud.

"Thank you for your help," I told Amanda before exiting the store and heading across the aisle to the other one, grinning at the item in the store window. _This _felt more right.

~*~

Alice and Jasper were lounging on their porch when I pulled up to their house the following evening, she lying between his legs on their extended lawn chair.

"Bella!" Alice called happily, sitting up as I exited my car. I slammed my car door shut, the only way to make sure that it securely closed all the way, rusty flakes falling to the ground; I internally winced, hoping they didn't notice me defiling their perfect lawn.

"Hey," I smiled back, throwing my bag over my shoulder.

"Are you ready to get started?" Alice asked when I reached the porch, hopping up from the chair and Jasper's legs.

"Get started on what?" I questioned cautiously. That did not sound like the words of an effortless night.

"You can't actually expect me to have invited you to spend the night and not have made up an itinerary," she said in a tone that let me know she thought this was obvious. "But then again," she continued thoughtfully, opening the door to their house. Jasper stood to the side, behind me, waiting. "I guess you could. I keep forgetting we haven't known each other that long. I feel like I've known you for some time."

"Well you did know my father," I pointed out, trying to be reasonable in response to the warmth that had rushed through my veins at her words. "The police chief in Forks? Maybe that's what's warping your perception."

"I didn't know him actually," she frowned. "The police force were never on my radar. In retrospect I should've checked it out," she breathed, more to herself than me.

We had reached the living room, the same as the last time I'd been here, except for the bowl of chips, the bowl of popcorn, the bottles of soda, and the stack of DVDs sitting on the coffee table. I smiled at the scene, so unfamiliar to me, but something I knew to be completely normal. I almost laughed out loud. For all my imaginings, I'd never really thought that we'd _actually _be doing normal stuff. I looked around, and on the small table next to the couch were even several different colors of nail polish. I bit my lip. My dreams were coming true. Especially considering that Edward was no where in sight - just like I thought.

"Where's Edward?" I asked anyway.

Alice shrugged, and I noticed Jasper hadn't followed us in here. "I have no idea. What do you want to watch?" she asked, gesturing to the DVDs. "If you don't like any of these, we have others."

"Oh," I blushed, a little flustered. I quickly looked through the videos, knowing I would pick one of them to make it easier on everyone. I smiled as I came upon one I actually honestly liked. I held it up for Alice's scrutiny. "This one, please."

Her answering smile was bright and wide. "I love that one," she squealed. "It's so romantic."

"That's why I like it," I grinned back.

Putting the disc in and skipping straight to the menu before pressing play, I smiled as the familiar opening scene of _Moulin Rouge_ appeared on the screen. When "Nature Boy" started playing, my eyes became unfocused, barely paying attention to the images I knew so well already.

_There was a boy,  
A very strange, enchanted boy…_

Where was Edward? Didn't he want to see me? What about everything he'd said, about how he _would _see me here. He'd sounded so sincere…

I brushed a hand through my hair miserably before letting it drop down to my jacket pocket, playing with my gloves. I gulped, resisting the urge to put them on. They were more than a habit at this point. They were safety. They were my addiction. Because I'd gotten addicted to playing it safe for far too long.

No more.

That's not who I was. That's not who I _used _to be. That's not who I _wanted _to be.

Well there were a lot of things I wanted. But I couldn't seem to make them happen.

I was far too enraptured with this man. It was absurd. When "Your Song" came on I began imagining Edward singing all these parts, being this romantic guy, reminding me of the night before…and subsequently making me blush.

Jasper never came back and at one point I asked Alice why. "Because it's girl time, _duh_. I didn't invite you over to hang out with Jazz," she teased.

Even though I was out of it most of the movie, I still let loose a couple tears at the end, which relieved me. Crying was the result of a strong emotion, and I'd gotten the fear over the years that being out of touch with people would make me lose my ability to feel deeply.

But more importantly than that, the snacks Alice had provided were excellent. I was starving.

"Is there another event planned after this?" I asked with amusement, popping some more of the expanded corn into my mouth when the movie ended.

"Again, it's like you don't even know me," Alice stated, reaching over to the table behind her, and grabbing the nail polishes. "What color?"

I contemplated. "I like that blue."

"An excellent decision madam," she agreed formally. I giggled.

I cut off though when she picked up my hand, holding it where the jacket covered my skin. My heart pounded as usual, and I closed my eyes, letting this contact sink in.

"So, I hear you skived off class," Alice told me, smiling around the corners of her lips, a few minutes after she began her painting of my fingernails. "You're officially a student now."

"Edward told you?" I asked, interested.

"Yup." Her brow furrowed in concentration as she added a bit too much polish to my pinky. She wiped the edges with her own nail. I shuddered a little at the sensation.

"Does he talk about me a lot?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. I thought it was a valid question though. I mean, first Jasper with the blushing thing, now Alice with the skipping. At least he was close with them. Or just wasn't close with me.

My heart sunk at the thought.

Of course. Bitterness lined the insides of my throat, making me have to gulp it down.

Alice glanced up briefly to look me in the eyes. "Edward's a very private person," she said carefully. "He doesn't talk much, not about anything personal. But when he does, it's because it really means something to him." She glanced at me again. "I hope you know you mean something to him. And I know he means something to you."

Was it strange to be so open about things we'd never discussed but innately knew? It didn't feel strange, here, with her, or any of them. It felt right.

"Thank you," I whispered.

She nodded before smiling a little sadly, the first time I'd seen her do anything of the sort. "Sorry about all this stereotypical stuff," she said, gesturing around. "I got excited. I've never really done this before."

"Me neither," I confessed.

She sat up, facing me head on, and we shared a private smile. She gave me a gentle squeeze where she held me, half on my hand, half on my wrist. I think we both felt our friendship deepen and cement then. In that moment, we became best friends. I leaned back into the couch as she continued her work, the atmosphere even warmer than before.

When I finally began yawning, Alice did too. "Do you want to go to bed, or do that whole-nighter thing I've heard of?" she asked.

"Call me a dork, but I'm going to opt for sleep," I confirmed.

Alice stood up from the couch, stretching her entire body out gracefully. "The guest room is upstairs, the second door on the right. The bathroom is the first door on the right. But feel free to sleep wherever," she said with a twinkle in her eye. "Anyway, g'night," she yawned, heading toward the room she shared with Jasper on the other side of the first floor.

"Night," I muttered, plodding toward the stairs and making my ascension. I stopped half-way up and looked at a door on the first floor that I could see. I wondered if Edward stayed in one of them. Sighing, I felt my disappointment about him settle in as I climbed the rest of the steps.

There were only four doors on this floor. Two on the right, one on the left, and one at the very end. It was narrower than the others, and was a completely different type of wood, ebony, I would hazard. I was intrigued by this dark door, but figured it wasn't my place to start snooping around their house already. Shaking my head, I wandered into the guestroom, setting my over-night bag down on the bed and unzipping it.

Moonlight poured in through the sheer white curtains, but I turned on the bedside lamp anyway. Pulling my toothbrush and pajamas out of my bag, I held up the item I'd bought at the store in the mall with a frown. It was a powder blue shirt that stated 'HUG ME' in white letters across the front. I guess it was pointless now since I hadn't seen the one person I wanted to see it tonight. Sighing, I pulled it on anyway along with my plaid pajama bottoms.

I left my room to use the facilities and brush my teeth, and on my way back to the guestroom, a small sound made me stop. It was like a creaking _whoosh_, like the sound of…I wasn't sure exactly, but I knew I knew what it was, somewhere inside my head. It came from above. Frozen, I peered up at the ceiling, listening for several long moments. I heard nothing else. Writing it off as my imagination, I shook my head again and reentered the room I'd been given.

I switched the desk-side light off, but did not immediately crawl in to the inviting looking bed. Something pulled me towards the window instead. Drawing the curtains back, I let the moonlight in fully, breathing it in deeply. I rested my hands against the sill and stared up at the sky.

My eyes wandered down. With a start, I saw a figure standing in the side yard, where this room faced. My throat closed around a gasp, adrenaline suddenly pumping through my veins. Then my eyes adjusted and I recognized who the shadowy form below was.

_Edward_.

Without thinking, I fumbled with the window latch and pushed it up. I froze again. Because that was the sound I'd heard before. The sound of a window being pushed up.

Edward stood facing the woods, his hands on his hips. I wished I could see his face. Making my mind up in a split second I closed the window and whirled around, rushing out of this room and jumping down the stairs as athletically as I was capable of. I had to slow down a bit at the front door, trying to be quiet about it as I slipped on my shoes and opened the door, stepping out and closing it softly behind me. I wandered just as slowly to the edge of the house, taking a deep breath before I rounded the edge.

Edward hadn't moved from his spot, but he now had one arm across his chest, and his other hand pressed against his mouth in a stance of deep thought.

I approached slowly, though not entirely quietly. He didn't turn around though. I waited until I was a few feet behind him to stop.

"Hey," I said softly.

"Hey kitten," he murmured back. Slowly, he turned to face me.

Our eyes met, before his flickered down to my shirt. I watched his expression become unreadable to me.

I rocked on my feet, the cool night air and my nerves making goose bumps raise on my arms. I cast around quickly for something to ask. "So, what're you doing out here?"

He shrugged almost imperceptibly, his gaze penetrating and serious as he looked at me. "Thinking," he answered succinctly.

I nodded, unable to think of anything else to say. I knew what I _wanted _to say, to ask, but I couldn't. I gripped my arm, shivering again from the night air.

"You're cold," he observed quietly.

"Uh, yeah."

"You should go back inside."

I bit my lip. "I…I wanted to see you." It was there, right there, bubbling up to the surface, the question I wanted to ask. "Didn't - don't - I thought - do you not want to see me?" There. Close enough. I bit my finger, eyeing him nervously for an answer.

"I don't think it has anything to do with what I _want_," he said cryptically. "I'm just not sure it's a good idea."

My insides twisted. It was understandable. He _didn't _want to deal with any more of my insanity if he were to be close to me again. I couldn't blame him for that. I shouldn't. I didn't. I blamed myself.

"Right," I muttered, looking down. "I am sorry, again."

He sighed exasperatedly. "Oh, come here," Edward snapped, holding out one of his hands. I looked down at it in shock, before raising my eyes to his. He softened before my gaze. "Come here kitten," he repeated, but more gently this time.

My hand shook as I extended it to his. I gasped unsteadily when he pulled me sharply into his chest, holding me tightly. To my surprise, I found myself relaxing in his arms without the shaking, more than ever before. It was all alright here.

His chin rested on my head. "You're ridiculous," he sighed, his fingers rubbing my back softly. "But in a good way I think."

"Well gee…thanks," I breathed into his shirt.

"It's no problem. Really," he commented dryly. His hand ran down my bare arm, coming to twine his fingers in between mine.

"Come with me," Edward said, pulling away and tugging me by my hand back towards the house.

"Where?" I asked, but I was already following. It didn't matter where we were going, so long as I got to spend some more time by him. So long as we didn't have to part again so quickly.

"My room," he answered simply. I smiled to myself, catching up enough to walk next to him.

Before we rounded the edge of the house, I looked up. Above the window I recognized as my own was another one, higher up. It was open.

**

* * *

**

Hey guys! My deep apologies for the wait. Writer's block caught up to me, and by the time I lost it again I was already deeply immersed in my studies once again, and some added extra currics. I have been SO busy, man, it feels like I close my eyes for a second and then I'm back in the mess.

**Thank you for the support anyway! I'm probably the worst person ever at answering PMs, but if you ever want to see what's up with me you can check any of the links I have concerning me at the top of profile page (like the forums for Twilighted, where you can find a thread for this story, my blog, my Twitter, blah blah blah.)**

**As an interesting side note, I've watched an extremely interesting documentary recently, probably the best one I've ever seen, named What The Bleep Do We Know. It's gets into a lot of complex thought about humans, about the world; things that you really have to think about. It's no light watch if you want to get the most out of it, but it was so amazing to me that I have to at least let people be aware of it. I agree with a lot of things they cover, though I think they exaggerate at some levels, but I agree with the basic principles and points that they go through. And it's not just interviews either, there's a fictional story to go along with it - like I said, best one I've ever seen. If you go to watch-movies(dot)net you can see it there. I've really been inspired by it, because it put into words and pictures things I think about myself, and that's helped me externalize it. You'll no doubt be seeing its influence in my work.**

_And um, HELLO! The new New Moon trailer!?!?!? Holy fricken tap-dancing christ! If that didn't get me motivated to write, I don't know what else will!_

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	9. Dwelling On the Undone

_"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."_

Dumbledore,** "The Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone"**

_

* * *

_

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone  
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden  
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love,

_No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love,  
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world._

**Blinding **by Florence and the Machine

* * *

Entering the house again, I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could, toeing off my shoes. I didn't know if Alice and Jasper were sleeping or not, and I didn't want to disturb them. Edward looked like he didn't have to try to be quiet at all. There was no look of concentration on his face that was so apparent on mine. He took off his shoes noiselessly, just a pair of black sneakers. It was strange seeing such average shoes connected to him; and even stranger than that was seeing him walking around in socks. It made him seem…normal.

Not look normal though. He was much too handsome for any mundane description such as that.

"You're really graceful," I complimented in a whisper as he pulled me along behind him, still keeping his grip on my hand.

"Huh?" Edward looked over his shoulder at me in surprise. "Oh," he murmured, looking embarrassed. "Thanks. I never really thought about it."

"That's what I'm here for," I shrugged. "It's fun taking you by surprise."

"Oh, is that why you do it so much?" he asked dryly, slowing down as we ascended the stairs. I think he had caught on by now that my coordination could not take flying up and down stairs with no effort at all. I was hardly a girl from a Miyazaki film.

"I wasn't aware that I did it a lot."

"You have to be kidding me," he said, throwing me a disbelieving look. "Everything about you is strange." He muttered something then that I couldn't quite catch, but I thought I heard the words "not" and "expected."

"You really know how to butter a girl up, you know that?" I asked sarcastically, my cheeks flaming. It shouldn't have been so embarrassing for him to bring up the fact that he thought I was weird - I was pretty aware of that by now - but it was.

He pulled me up short when we reached the top of the steps, turning abruptly to face me. I would've stumbled back if he hadn't placed a firm hand on my waist. I glanced down at that and bit my lip, gazing up into his eyes. He was looking exasperated again.

"Strange isn't necessarily bad." Edward glanced down briefly before once more meeting my eyes. I was surprised at the almost pleading expression in his face. "Right?"

"Right," I agreed carefully, scanning his face.

He had so many secrets, so many guards. Even those times when we talked, when we laid in bed, when he spent the night, as open as he'd been… I still felt like I was only scratching a surface. That he couldn't _be _more open than that until he told me what exactly was up with him.

But Edward was showing no inclinations of doing that any time soon. I didn't know if I'd ever know the real him.

Was that his definition of "strange"? Keeping secrets, presumably forever? And _was _I okay with that?

I didn't feel like I had much of a choice. I couldn't know his secrets, but I would not give him up. At this point, I physically felt like I _couldn't_. Because I needed some physical in my life.

And the thing is, I'm used to being held at arms length. Farther than that, if people can help it. So you'd think I wouldn't be bothered so much. But, Edward _had _let me into the circle of his arms. He had opened a door for me. Just to shut another one, a new one, one I was not used to, right in my face. And I couldn't help but to end up incredibly frustrated by it, leaving me with a perpetually bristled feeling.

_Is this my real curse? _I wondered. _To never really be close to anybody, no matter how much progress I seem to make_?

Edward scowled at whatever emotion he saw in my face and turned away, dropping his hand from mine. I almost said something but bit it back. I had some dignity after all. Not much, but enough.

When Edward walked up to the ebony door, it seemed too perfect. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I always knew his room was behind it. Because really, where else would be more fitting? The dark door for the dark man.

He opened it and stepped aside, gesturing me in. I was surprised and yet not to see, instead of a room, a set of stairs leading upwards. So he lived in the attic.

I contemplated that as I walked to the staircase; which probably wasn't a good idea as I ended up not lifting my foot high enough, instead catching it on the lip of the first step. Caught off balance, I immediately fell forward onto the stairs, my knee banging painfully against the wood. One of my hands hit the dull edge and a throbbing pain began there as well.

"Ow!" I cried, before gritting my teeth against any other sounds of hurt. I was used to it.

"Can you be more careful?" Edward snapped, grabbing my waist and lifting me up gently. "You're so covered in bruises I don't know how you move without wincing."

"Oh bite me," I snapped back, frustrated due to the subtle pain of my injury and Edward's ever mercurial mood. I stomped up the steps, heading to another ebony door at the top.

"Gladly," he responded icily behind me, his own stomping adding to the clamor in the confined stairwell.

"Uh-huh. What do you care anyway? Sometimes it's like you do, and other times you're so distant I don't know why you even bother coming around!" I seethed, finally making it to the door and throwing it open. There was nothing particularly note-worthy about his room, except for the fact that it wasn't noteworthy at all. There was a bed, a desk, a chair. I stopped in the middle of the floor and crossed my arms with my back to him.

"What do I care? How can you even ask me that!" he fumed. "Of _course_ I care about you. I can't help it! And trust me, I've _tried._ I've tried _hating _you. And I still end up thinking about you every god-damned second of my day."

I couldn't pay attention properly to what he was saying because I was so wrapped up in my personal aggravation against everything he'd put me through these past couple of weeks, which was suddenly crashing around in my mind.

"Yeah, that's why you hang out with me a couple of amazing times and then avoid me like the plague the next second! I don't understand you!"

"I don't understand you either," he said through gritted teeth.

"What is there not to understand!? _I'm _not the one sending mixed messages here! I _obviously_ want to be with you, and I seem to be the only one on that page!"

"That isn't true at all and you know it!" he snarled. "I've actively sought you out - "

" - And then dropped off the face of the planet after - "

" - Look, I'm still trying to figure things out - "

" - If you don't want to be with me then stop coming around sometimes and then - "

" - Will you stop assuming? That's not it - "

" - Then why don't you let me _in_ for once so I don't have to assume - "

" - I've let you in more than I've let anybody in five years! You have no idea - "

" - Mm-hmm, that's why Alice and Jasper seem to know everything about me and I barely get to see you - "

" - Will you stop! You are the most infuriating - "

" - You know what, I think you've made your feelings on me pretty clear!"

"_Obviously_ I haven't," he growled. He huffed out through his nose, pinching the bridge of it with his thumb and index finger. He shook his head angrily. "It doesn't matter anyway," he muttered to himself.

We stood there opposing each other, glaring at different things but avoiding looking at each other. And to think I'd been excited to come up here.

"Why can't you just tell me what's going on with you?" I finally asked. "That's obviously the biggest problem here. And if you solved that, then everything else could fall into place."

He pinched the bridge of his nose tightly again, eyes clenched shut, before removing his hand and opening his eyes to look at me dead on. "I can't."

"Can't?" I challenged. "Or won't?"

"I won't. Okay? At this point, it would only make everything worse."

"What do you mean 'at this point'?"

He squinted at the wall behind me. "I've gotten closer to you than I ever expected to." He sighed. "I don't want you to live with the burden of knowing. And I don't want you to watch you run away," he mumbled to his feet.

"If you just _tell _me then I won't do any running," I hissed testily, sick of these games. "But I'm leaving if you don't," I threatened.

"I've been thinking…that maybe _I_ should leave myself," he admitted, looking up at me.

My eyes widened in horror. My threat had been empty. I didn't want to be away from him no matter what.

"What? Why?" I demanded, but my voice came out more scared than I wanted it to.

"Because…this…_we're_ not going to be able to work out for long," he sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Trust me on that. And I think I should leave now, before it gets farther than it already has."

"Edward, wh - ?" I couldn't even think, or speak. I slowly shook my head back and forth. He couldn't go away. Not yet. Not _now_. Now that I'd found him, found someone who would touch me, someone I felt so close to already…

"N - no! You _can't_. I mean, you go to school here! And - and, it's just not _logical_. You can't just _leave _because of me! I'm sure, whatever it is, it's not _that_ huge a deal, I mean c'mon. And I don't want you to leave…" I whispered, my eyes pleading with him. "Please don't. Not now. It's impossible."

"No it's not," he said quietly, looking at me with pained eyes. I just wanted to take the pain away. All of it. His and mine. "It's not and you know it."

"Edward…" I stepped forward and grabbed onto his shirt. He gripped my wrists with hesitation in his face as if he was going to make me let go, but then his own slipped down to around my back, hugging me close to him. "Don't leave me." Pain gripped my heart at the thought, making it race for different reasons than it usually did. I buried my head against his chest, wishing I had the power to keep him there in my grasp.

How had this day gotten so topsy-turvy? How had my _life_ gotten this inside out?

He nuzzled his cheek against mine, and there was conflict in his tone when he whispered in my ear. "I'm not…_good_, for you Bella. I'm not what you deserve."

"I don't believe that," I told him angrily, gripping him tighter.

We held each other in silence for a few moments. "Are you really going to go?" I breathed, my heart already breaking.

"I think so."

"Is there nothing I can do to change your mind?" I asked, pulling back to look at his face.

He smiled bleakly, green eyes tortured. He brushed his finger against the side of my cheek softly. "I'm sorry kitten. This is the only way."

I shook my head, but it was in defeat. The conviction was gone. I could hear the truth in his words. He was really going to leave.

I was never going to see him again.

My eyes watered immediately.

"Don't cry," Edward pleaded, brushing his thumbs under my eyes. I sniffed. "I'm not leaving right now. It'll be after you're gone, I promise."

"I really wish you wouldn't promise me that," I sobbed against his chest. "I really wish you would just stay. I don't understand…"

He didn't say anything, because he knew there was only thing he could say that would comfort me. And it obviously wasn't going to happen.

I realized eventually that I was wasting valuable time that I _did _have with him and wiped my tears away. For now.

"Can I stay here tonight then, at least?" I asked. "And you'll be here when I wake up?"

"Yes," he nodded, to both things. "If that's what you want."

"I want to stay with you," I whispered to his shirt, fiddling with the collar.

Edward buried his face in my hair. I peeked over his shoulder and saw a small, twin-sized bed, much like my own in my dorm, in the corner under the window. "Can we lay down?" I directed, and he responded by taking my hand and leading me over to it.

I crawled in first, pressing against the wall, and held my arms out to Edward, who acquiesced, settling down lightly next to me, situating his arm underneath my head.

For a long while we just held each other, because I couldn't think of anything to say, and this was probably the last contact I was going to get for a long time, if not the rest of my life. I memorized every detail, every aspect; how his skin felt, how _I _felt, and filed it all away for later, when I was alone in my room, back to holding onto Marvin for comfort.

When Mike and Angela finally got together.

When I'd see Alice and Jasper looking into each other's eyes.

When I'd come here and glance up at the attic and wonder if Edward even ever existed.

I couldn't believe he was going to be _gone_. It was inconceivable, right now, right here, when he was holding me like this, brushing his lips against the side of my face and hair.

I wanted to hear his voice too, and embed that to memory along with everything else.

"So, why do you call me that?" I asked, as casually as I could make my voice sound.

"Call you what?" he said, surprised, his fingers trailing over my arm.

"Kitten. Why do you call me that?"

"Oh." He laughed a little bit with no real humor. "Because that's what you always remind me of, ever since…the first time we met and you yelled at me. It's like you were trying to be this ferocious tiger but, you're too sweet for that." He sighed. "And the way you long to be touched and held, like a small kitten. ...It's just what you remind me of."

"Edward, don't go."

"I have to."

I wanted to tell him you don't _have _to do anything, but knew it was a lost cause anyway.

"What if I stayed away from you?" The thought pained my heart, but at least he would be here, which was better than the alternative.

"It wouldn't help," he said, smiling grimly. "_I_ wouldn't stay away from _you_."

"I still don't understand why this is necessary," I whispered, tightening my grip on his hand.

He sighed softly into my hair. "It's better that way," he murmured. "You'll forget me soon enough. Don't worry about it."

"I'm never going to forget you."

"Okay," he agreed, but I knew he didn't believe me.

I went to argue but ended up yawning instead. "Go to sleep," he urged, brushing a strand of my hair from my face. "I'll still be here in the morning, I promise."

I _was _tired, but I didn't want to sleep. "I'm just going to close my eyes," I warned him. "I'm not going to fall asleep."

"Whatever you like."

I meant it when I said it. I was just going to close my eyes. How could I risk losing a single minute? But the next time I opened them, somehow there was soft gray light falling through the window.

Morning.

I groaned in defeat. My head fell on a muscled chest.

I snapped back up into attention, eyes wide as I saw Edward there, smiling softly at me, his hand making circles on my lower back. "You stayed," I breathed in awed amazement. A part of me hadn't believed he really would.

He nodded. "I did. Did you think I'd leave anyway?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I always felt like you were going to disappear." I sighed. "And I guess I was right."

He rubbed my cheek and I closed my eyes, sinking into the touch while I could. I held onto his wrist for stability.

"Alice is making breakfast," he eventually said. "I'm sure she'll be wanting you to come down at some point."

"Oh, right," I said, my eyes widening. I'd forgotten that I was spending the night with her too.

I tugged at his hand and made him follow me down the steps to the second floor, and then on to the kitchen. I wasn't going to let him out of my sight easily. Not when I knew that when I left, that might be the end of it.

I winced at the very thought.

"Good morning," Alice said brightly, beaming as she set down a bowl of milk on the table, in what I assumed would be my seat. She arranged a couple of boxes of different brand cereals in front of it. She gestured grandly to the set-up with a wave of her hand. "That's about as much as I cook," she confirmed with a grin.

I smiled at her. "Thanks Alice. It's great." I sat down and was surprised when Edward followed suit without any preemptory urging from me.

Alice got her own bowl of milk out and sat across from me, choosing the Lucky Charms.

I think I needed a little more luck in my life. So I followed suit with the little grain bites and dehydrated marshmallows.

"And you're not eating," I said to Edward. It wasn't really a question at this point. He nodded. I went to file that away, but stopped when I remembered that it didn't matter. I'd never really know his secret. Not anymore.

"So did you sleep well?" Alice asked. It seemed like a customary question, but her eyes looked to be a little too knowing. It didn't matter. Nothing happened. It would make everything more painful later if it did.

"I suppose so. Your rooms are comfortable," I complimented. Of course, every bed would be comfortable if Edward was in it.

I had to stop thinking like that though.

"Glad you enjoyed it," she beamed, and went back to enjoying her cereal in comfortable silence. It struck me that she must not know Edward was leaving either. I wondered how she would feel about it.

"Where's Jasper?" I asked to distract myself.

For some reason, to my surprise, she blushed. "He's, um, making the bed," she said, and shoveled a spoonful of Lucky Charms into her mouth, proceeding to let that subject drop as well.

I realized that this was obviously something sexually related, and let it go too, on the outside. I glanced over at Edward and saw him watching me back. Our gazes held. I questioned my judgment on whether I should have tried to make something happen last night. After all, he might be the only person I ever meet who'd have relations with me, and, more than that, _I _wanted to have that with as well.

But at the same time, I couldn't let it happen like that. It would hurt so much later, and on top of everything else…

Maybe I should just resign myself to this being my life; and maybe I'd be happier that way.

I resolved myself grimly.

Edward and I kept our eyes on each other throughout breakfast, and I contemplated asking him questions on where he would go and what he would do, but I wasn't sure I should know and I wasn't sure I should bring it up in front of Alice. He could tell her on her own time; I know I'd want to, if the situation were reversed.

"So what would you like to do Bella?" Alice asked when we were done and Edward had cleared our places. I watched his back as he washed the dishes, the beauty of muscles subtly moving under his shirt as he moved.

_He's leaving, he's leaving, he's leaving, let him go…_

But I couldn't. Not yet. That could, would, come later.

"You're actually giving me an option?" I asked her with as much incredulity as I could muster, turning my head away from the man at the sink. "You don't have something planned?"

"This is planned. There's a small time table allotted in the schedule that says 'Bella's choice.'"

The day was tense, and passed too quickly. I was split. There was the Bella having a normal sleep over with Alice, and Jasper when he wandered out to keep Alice company as well, and then there was the Bella frantically and silently soaking up the other silent figure that stayed close by - either for himself, or me, or both. I wasn't sure.

But the flew minutes flew by with terrific speed. It was morning, then the dim light outside was darker, and then Alice and I were eating take-out and it was like pitch on the other side of the window.

My heart thrummed unevenly with fear and blood rushed to the top of my skin in prickly discomfort.

My breathing constricted in my chest when the clock blinked ten. It was like some twisted, evil, perverted version of Cinderella. I was falling to pieces.

Alice and Jasper were very perceptive to my mood. They exchanged looks and Jasper spoke. "You can spend the night again if you'd like Bella. We wouldn't mind."

"Actually," Edward interrupted quietly from the other side of the room. As the hours had progressed, he had started distancing himself from me, which I understood. "I need to talk with you both tonight. It might be best if she goes home."

Alice raised an eyebrow at him. She turned her head back to me. "You can stay if you want Bella."

I sighed internally. "I should probably go," I said, struggling to keep my tone even. "Homework," I lied.

The lovers shared another look. "Okay," Alice agreed doubtfully.

I gathered up my things in my bag with weight in my limbs. When I reentered the living room, Edward was gone. I swallowed.

To my surprise, both Jasper and Alice hugged me good-bye at the door. There was no skin contact, but they were good, tight hugs. I squeezed my eyes shut against Alice's shoulder. At that point, a thought crossed my mind that I hadn't considered before. _I'm going to be okay. I have good friends now._

_I am not alone anymore._

"See you at school," Alice whispered.

I wiped my eyes when I shut the door behind me.

I startled when I saw Edward standing there on the porch, waiting for me. Silently, he followed me to my truck.

I turned to face him.

We stared at each other for a good while. "I don't know what to say," I told him softly.

He shook his head slowly. "Neither do I," he said. "Except…be safe. Please."

I didn't want to say good-bye. I wanted something else.

"Could you kiss me?" I asked boldly. "One last time?"

Edward's eyes intensified, and he straightened. "I was hoping I could," he admitted, "Though it's wrong of me."

I shook my head. "It's not wrong. It'll never be wrong. I wish you believed that."

He opened his mouth abruptly, but then closed it, shaking his head. "I wish I could too," he murmured before his lips descended on mine one last time. It was slow and deep and made me clutch onto his shoulders for support, only to find that he was trembling as well. I held his face in my hands and made it count.

When the kiss ended there was nothing left to do or say. With one last stroke of my face, he was walking off, and disappearing into the darkness. I was getting in my truck and driving slowly back to the cold city lights.

~*~

Sunday came and went in a strange blue. The hours smeared together and the haziness of disbelief that I wouldn't see Edward again faded into what looked like real moments when the thought that he was gone was completely absurd and I felt sure I'd made the whole thing up. I dazed in and out of life and focus.

The day passed by staring at the shadows as they moved across the room, tossing and turning on my bed, the smell of sweat from me on my sheets.

That night my dreams were restless and fretful. I kicked at the sheets, and clawed at my clothing, sure that I felt a hand on me, stroking my head. There was a whisper, and I struggled to hear it. With a gasp, I opened my eyes, sitting up bolt right. I glanced around my room quickly and my eyes landed on my open window, a soft breeze fluttering the curtains.

I hadn't opened my window today.

I rushed to it and leaned out, scanning the area desperately. The grounds were silent, only a couple figures moving on the sidewalks between dorms. "Edward?" I whispered. There was no answer and the wind faded. I waited a few more seconds before conceding defeat and returning to my half-slumber.

Monday was a whirlwind of faltering reality. First class was normal, the professor recounting his lecture as always.

"Witchcraft and demonic posession," he announced, "Were, as you should all know from the reading, very big spectacles and fear in this time. Insanity was condemned as degeneration from God, and usually labeled as the result of some black magick. Ghosts were heavily believed in, midnight being called 'the witching hour.' They were supposed to be malignant beings, but there are a couple accounts documented of more benevolent ones, believed to have come back to help their beloved ones. 'It is thy love and now late wife!' wrote a priest from Romania. 'Upon a deadly nightly trek, a wild beast bore upon me, its glinting demonic eyes reflecting my gruesome fate. I am to go to the Lord now, were my thoughts. Fear caught hold of my limbs. I was to die. Suddenly, out of the lonely darkness, the beauty and purity of my dear heart materialized. How strange, I thought. I had left her at home, well and alive, but she now was different. I could feel it. She shimmered almost, in wraith-like fashion. The mighty beast cast one evil eye in her direction and fled.'"

The bell rang. Chemistry was dazing as I sat in the back again; but this time alone.

By lunch I was determined to see Alice again, because in this strange state she was like a connection to him that I needed to see and feel. I saw her walking on the sidewalk, heading back to her car, and I rushed over.

"Alice!" I cried, stopping in front of her. "There you are!"

The look on her face made my stomach sink.

"I'm sorry Bella," she said, agonized. "We think he may have had a point. At this point, I don't know if it's going to work."

And just like that she passed me on the sidewalk as I stood there, stunned. "What the hell is going on?" I asked myself as I squeezed my eyes shut.

The week went by slowly. I went to class, I took notes. I went to lunch, I stared out the window, not eating, my mind rushing about in circles. Angela and Mike tried to engage me sometimes, but for now they were mostly focused on working out there own problems. Mike seemed to have forgotten about making plans for this weekend, of which I was grateful because I had a different plan and I dreaded turning him down again; they were my last foothold and I could not lose them.

But I really wanted my family. I resolved to go see my dad again. Get out of this place. Go back to the dark magic of that one; return to the dream and hope it made this seem more real.

By Thursday I was sometimes able to cast the whole mystery of Edward and Alice from my mind, and even smile. But it was always there, in the murky corners of my thoughts. It was taking up permanent residence, I could feel it. One of those things you seem to have gotten over quickly because it will never go away and you know it. I felt ten years older.

On Friday, as I walked into Psych early, I had almost forgotten that I'd missed it the week prior. To spend more time with Edward. I took in a deep breath at the thought, and shook my head to rid myself of it.

I was going to have to go ask the professor to apologize and get a quick debriefing, and this wasn't the time to be distracted. Especially since Professor Hale-McCarty (or just Professor Hale) was not known for her compassionate and merciful nature. She knew humans too well for that.

I stepped up to her desk. "Excuse me Professor," I said respectfully, not quite meeting her violet eyes as she glanced up from her papers at her desk. She was a very beautiful blonde woman, intimidating so, and we had all learned the first week - especially the males - that she wasn't one to be taken lightly. She was like Lucy Lu in Charlie's Angels, except ten times worse. Or better. She was the one teacher that, whatever strange vibes she got from me, decided to studiously ignore it. "I got the notes from when I missed class last week, but I was wondering if there was anything else you would like me to do?"

"There is actually," she said in clipped tones, setting her pen down and folding her hands neatly together on top of the papers she'd been grading. Her stern eyes locked upon me. "I would like you to explain to me, Miss Swan, what is was that you were doing that was so important as to keep you from coming to class?"

I took a deep breath, feeling my face vaguely flush. "I was dealing with…personal affairs."

"I see. Miss Swan, I want to make it very clear to you right now that I do not take my class lightly, and I don't accept laziness or excuses. This is a serious class for serious students, and I expect the people that wish to continue studying it to dedicate themselves to it. Miss another class if you need to, one that's more frivolous perhaps. Now, you _have_ shown some exemplary work so far, which makes me think you're generally not lazy or an excuse-maker, or ingenuous. Is that an accurate assumption?" She peered at me over her half-rimmed reading glasses.

"Yes ma'am," I agreed.

"Good. Then take your seat, and don't miss my class again for anything less than hospitalization, or I will remove you from this course, is that clear?"

"Perfectly," I mumbled.

"Then thank you Miss Swan. Welcome back and I hope your personal affairs are in order," she said dismissively, returning to reading the papers before her.

_I wish_, I thought as I returned to my seat where Angela would sit beside me when she came, lost in her dilemma over Mike.

Everything felt like a dream. I needed to wake up.

~*~

When Psych ended I had meant to go back to my dorm, and try to catch up on the sleep that had eluded me every few minutes throughout this week. But my feet carried me to another path. As I jiggled the keys to my truck in my hands, practical thoughts ran through my head. I don't have an overnight bag. I don't have my toothbrush. I've only got twenty bucks and my license in my pocket.

I opened my truck and began to drive anyway.

The highway leading to Forks is a long drive, and it winds through trees and wilderness, and is curvy enough to keep you focused on it. The yellow lines slithered by me on my left, the trees shook and whispered on my right. My truck whined and sighed but I had no fear that it would break down. Despite his feelings about me, Jake had fixed it well.

I pulled over a couple times, asking myself, reminding myself, what I was doing.

_I'm going to see my father_, I chanted. _I'm going to see Charlie. I really want to see my Daddy._

It was a good story.

But when I got to Forks, nearing the late afternoon, I didn't even drive past Charlie's house. My body took me somewhere else. Somewhere I'd been needing to head toward for five years, though I tried to deny it.

The sky was grey and swirling, a light rain hitting my windshield. No wonder I was compelled to come here. It was so similar to _that_ day that how could my sense of déjà vu be any stronger?

I passed the faded red shack with only a glance and thundered my way along to the beach, up the road to the top of the cliff side. I stopped my truck and sat there for a moment.

Then I got out and began to walk into the shallow stretch of forest.

I remembered the way better than I thought, though it shouldn't be surprising as it'd been occurring in my dreams ever since…

When I pushed through the thick shrubs to the short expanse of hard grey rock, overlooking the choppy, industrial-colored choppy waves, it was no surprise how _right _this felt.

I had come back to Washington hoping that, being back here, in this place, in this dark magic, answers and solutions would just appear before me.

I think I realized all along that the only way I would ever _really _know…that anything would every _really _be solved…would be to go back to the beginning. The real beginning.

My body was dotted with drops from the light rain. The waves crashed in the sound and smell of the sea. A wind in the clouds moved them, gave them life.

Looking around at it all, I knew I'd been right.

I had to do this.

Even if the results were even worse than last time.

I closed my eyes for courage. "There'll never be anything more for me in the future," I whispered to myself, "If I don't fix the past."

Without opening my eyes, I jumped.

The fall was just as exhilarating and frightening as last time. The water just as cold and biting.

And the current? My old deadly friend?

Was just as strong as ever.

_I'm so stupid_, I thought with a smile as the water tossed me around like a doll come back for more play.

But I had more air this time. I began to flail my arms and legs, began to try to swim. I opened my eyes. Everything was dark. I had no idea which way was out. I chose a direction and began to swim, hoping it was with the tide, toward the surface.

My body was going back to that numb-cold. My lungs were burning, and now my eyes from the salt water. I closed them as my limbs went weak.

_I'm really going to die this time,_ I thought. _Maybe this is how it was always suppose to be. Maybe this is why I had to do this._

I thought of Jake's words from before. _Try to get the job done right this time, won't you?_

Maybe his cruel statement had some validity.

I let myself go to the water, get dragged into its abyss. _Alice, _I thought. _Charlie. Jasper, Angela, Mike. Mom. Edward…_

My brain was foggy. I was about to pass out and drown.

Again.

And again…I felt a cold. It didn't start as a breeze this time. I felt ice latch around my hand, and a tug. It hurt my hand and I wanted to open my eyes and see what it was, this mysterious cold that saved me last time, see if it was the same thing…

At the moment my head broke the surface to the biting wind, and I breathed in and coughed out water. A hand hit my back. It wasn't ice. It was a cold hand. An arm was locked around my waist, suspending me above the water. A familiar arm…He was behind me and I couldn't see him.

I continued to cough out the burning sea water until I felt a solid surface underneath me. Sand.

Above me, a face appeared, blocking the sky and the rain.

"Damn it Bella!" Edward choked out, between rage and sorrow and fear. "How many times are you going to do this??"

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Well that was quite a ride. Ready for an epic author's note? I didn't actually know when I began writing this chapter that this was going to be _**the chapter**_**, the first one I thought of, which is why it was giving me some trouble for so long. But you know how characters are. They eventually said it was meant to be, and I threw up my hands and typed. So it goes. **

**Anyway, I have a play list for this story on the bottom of my profile, and I'm adding to it as I go along. Sometimes it's just the song for the chapter, and sometimes I add other songs that helped inspire it and would be cool if you listened along with.**

**Also, check out my Twitter, because I'm constantly talking about this story, my progress on the current chapter, and the occasional teaser. Another good place to find teasers is over on the Twilighted forum for this story. Go chat =]**

**Check out my one-shot,**_** I'll Kill You Tomorrow My Queen**_**, because it was being caught up on writing and perfecting that story to my vision that delayed this chapter, for the most part.**

**Next chapter is the big explanation one =] And OME New Moon was amazing!**

_**- **__The Romanticidal Edwardian_


	10. Sleeping With Ghosts

**Recap:** _Sorry guys, I know it's been a while! Last chapter, when bedtime finally comes during Bella's sleepover at Alice's, she looks out her window and sees Edward standing outside, looking in deep thought. She goes out and convinces him to come inside with her, where he begins leading her to his room in the attic. Along the way they begin to argue, and Bella finally voices her frustrations in their relationship due to Edward's secrecy, eventually leading to Edward confessing his decision to leave, a choice that he's been debating about ever since their relationship began. He claims he's not good for her but won't tell her why, stating that he doesn't wish to burden her with the knowledge. Confused but desolate and resigned, Bella decides to just take advantage of their time together, and they hold each other through the night. The next day when Bella takes her leave, they share an emotional last farewell kiss and then they part, presumably forever. During the next week at school, Alice too avoids Bella and Bella drifts through the time in a haze. On Friday, Professor Hale-McCarty is introduced, Bella's beautiful but strict psychology teacher. When school ends, Bella starts driving to Forks under the guise of visiting her father, but finds herself back on the cliff's edge under similar climate conditions as the last time. She jumps again, and begins to drown again, and is saved again. Her rescuer is Edward, who tows her safely to the shore._

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Dry your eye, soul mate dry your eye…  
__'Cause soul mates never die.  
Hush, it's okay, dry your eye._

**Sleeping With Ghosts **by Placebo

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I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes  
_She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky  
__She said walk over into bitter shade  
__I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved._

**Let Me Sign** by Robert Pattinson

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_Blinding darkness surrounds me  
and I am reaching for you only  
this hopelessness that drowns  
all that I believe  
will be the one thing that I need  
for you only._

**For You Only **by Trading Yesterday

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"Damn it Bella!" Edward choked out, between rage and sorrow and fear. "How many times are you going to do this?"

"Edward…" I murmured, my voice hoarse. I squinted up at him through the falling rain, like a misty halo around his face. He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. "How…?"

I didn't get to finish before his mouth crashed down on mine, moving ferociously, desperately. "Dammit, dammit Bella," he choked between kisses. "You can't die, you _can't_. I can't let you, not then, not ever, certainly not now. You're too important. You're…" But he was too stricken to continue, and so instead his mouth ravished mine, eventually turning to more of a caress that never lost the desperation. Neither did I.

I fought against my dazed exhaustion, my weak arms lifting to allow my hands access to his hair, burying them in there. I could feel everything all at once. His velvet lips crushed to my own, his nose pressed to my cheek, his hands on me, his body pushed against mine, our clothes soaked enough to thin the barriers they were.

It felt like it couldn't be real, for so many reasons, but I still couldn't resist a moan. "Edward…" I whispered again. And just like that it was as if the spell had been broken.

The whirlwind died out as Edward slowed his frenzied kisses and pulled away, lifting himself off me. His expression was bewildered, like he couldn't believe he'd gotten so carried away, but dark as he remembered where we were, and the circumstances surrounding it.

"Come on," he said roughly, jumping to his feet and reaching out a hand for me.

My head spun as I was pulled to my feet. All of my energy felt completely depleted, and I fell groggily against Edward, my knees threatening to buckle under me. Sighing, Edward lifted me up into his arms and began what I assumed was the walk back to my vehicle. Somehow, I was beyond thinking that Edward's form of transportation was an automobile.

I was planning on finally getting my answers now, but my exhaustion won out. I kept nodding off against his chest as he walked along, unable to keep my eyes open. Sooner than I expected - though I wasn't exactly the most coherent judge - I heard my truck's old, rusty door being opened and I was being placed in the passenger seat. The truck roared to life, a deep rumbling underneath me. A few seconds later, the hot air was put on full blast, a fact I was incredibly grateful for. I hadn't realized it before the heat hit me, but I still damp and freezing.

I leaned against Edward's shoulder as he began to drive, steadfastly keeping my eyes shut. "I'm sorry Edward," I murmured. "I was stupid."

There were a few long moments of silence in which I thought he wasn't going to answer. Finally, I felt his arm curl around my waist. "Yes you were," he murmured, his head leaning briefly on mine. "And so was I. Get some rest kitten."

Resisting a smile, I gave in to his suggestion and promptly fell fast asleep.

* * *

When I woke up, I noticed several things at once. First, I was in a twin-sized bed like the one in my dorm, but I wasn't in my dorm. I was in Edward's bed, in his attic, and furthermore, I was sleeping in his arms, his chest rising and falling evenly beneath my head. But our breathing was all I could hear.

Sitting up slowly, I didn't look at his face as I placed my hand firmly over his heart. The only pulse there was my own. Our eyes met then. He wasn't asleep, of course.

Shadows fell across him, darkening his emerald eyes. He watched me, his face an array of expression - calculating, weary, and perhaps a little bit ashamed; but mostly, they were accepting.

As were mine.

I spoke first.

"Why didn't you take me to my dorm?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't want to risk running by an outside observer. I didn't want to raise any…alarm."

My brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

He sighed. "It would have been a shocking sight to someone else."

"And so the riddles begin. _Again_. Edward, don't you think it's time to be straight with me?"

"Yes…you're right." He ran a hand through his wild hair. "There's no way around it anymore." He sighed again. "It appears I really can't stay away from you."

We went back to staring at each other, each one waiting to see what the other would say, would ask, would begin with.

I guess I was the one who was going to have to breach the topic.

"What are you?" I asked bluntly.

He chuckled a little, humorlessly. "Well, I'm glad you've gotten at least that far." He took a deep breath, holding it for a moment, before letting it out exasperatedly, his head falling back. "I don't even know how to say this."

"Just say it how I would. Straight forward, to the point, no beating around the bush. I can handle it. I already know you're _something_."

"Small comforts," he murmured. "Fine then. I guess you could say I'm….some kind of ghost."

"A ghost," I repeated to myself. I was shocked on some level, I suppose, but it was really just the last puzzle piece falling into place to complete an image I had already mostly worked out.

"Then why can I see you?" I wondered.

He sat up then, relief on his face as he absorbed my lack of reaction. He took my hand in his and I gripped it back. "We - Jasper, Alice, and myself - have…theories, about that," he said weakly, like he couldn't get over my calm reaction. "But you are one of the few who can. Most people can't."

"_What_?" My jaw almost dropped. He was so corporal. I had reacted with him in public several times. How could nobody see him? But if I really thought about my encounters with him in the public eye…it had always been set up so that it could like I wasn't talking to _him_. I thought about the rumors of Alice being crazy, and talking to herself…and realized the gift they had given me.

Edward watched shrewdly as I pulled myself together. "So what…are your theories on why _I_ can then?"

"Well isn't it obvious?" he responded. "You've been touched by a ghost. By _me_, actually." He laughed darkly. "The first time you almost drowned…five years ago, I was the one who saved you. Actually - " He hesitated.

"Actually what?" I asked fervently, moving closer to him. I was finally getting to the mystery of all this. Of my life. Of what had happened. This was no time for hesitation.

"I think…that I became a … - sorry, I don't like saying it - that I died…_because_ of you, almost dying."

I felt like the air had been sucked from my chest. My hand went limp but Edward didn't let go. "Are you serious?" I asked with no voice. "How do you know that?"

Edward's hand reached out to cup my cheek, caressing it with his thumb. His eyes were kind but contemplative as he looked past me. "Bella…would you like to hear the story of how I…died? It might make some things clearer for you."

I swallowed, and then nodded.

Edward began his story, and it was like I was there as well, I saw it so clearly in my mind. It definitely was the missing half of my puzzle.

"You remember I told you I lived in Chicago? Well, that's where I lived when I was alive, at least. I was eighteen when it happened, on June thirtieth, five years ago."

I gasped then. I couldn't help it. That was the day I fell off the cliff. I felt ice trickling through my veins as I listened now.

"I was there, you were here. It was really dark, I remember. It was only early evening there, but the weather in Chicago is similar to here and causes the dark to fall prematurely. It was a deep blue atmosphere. The color was very familiar, and it used to be my favorite.

"I used to drive around all the time. It drove my mother crazy but moving has always been my way of coping. Running, driving…anything with movement keeps me sane when I'm anxious or worried; stressed. I only like to stay still when I have a reason to remain sedentary.

"I've played this over so many times, that I feel like I know both sides of the story. The way I see it, when you jumped, I was driving across this bridge. There was no one else on it, which wasn't strange. I loved to drive fast, which led me to taking back roads and driving out to the very edge of the city where there's more open, vacant road. What _was_ strange, though, in retrospect, was the pull I felt to the bridge. It was subtle - I didn't realize it then. Only know when I think about it do I remember this feeling of…of…almost a magnet, in my chest, pulling me along like the needle of a compass. That was you, I'm sure of it now.

"As soon as I started along the bridge - it was rather old, the railings weren't even steel, like they are on newer bridges - I began to feel the most sudden exhaustion. Against my will my eyes closed, my body went limp. I felt on the edge of sleep.

"Even when I heard the sickening crunching sound, and felt my car crash through the side barriers of the bridge, my body couldn't rouse itself enough even to panic, let alone move. It was like I was paralyzed.

"I remember opening my eyes a little bit and seeing my headlights reflected on the water as I fell toward it, suddenly sitting at a ninety degree angle. And all around me it was nothing but that deep blue. It really was like I was dreaming - dreaming the worst kind of nightmare, where you fall and don't wake up before you hit.

"When I finally submerged it was almost anticlimactic in a way because everything slowed. Whereas before I'd been barreling towards the water, now I was slowly sinking in darkness. The headlights glow didn't pierce the dank water very far. And there were bubbles all around the outside of the car. I remember that because it was rather like I'd just been delved into a giant fish tank.

"I suppose I was disassociating at that point because I was absolutely terrified. I finally found myself able to move a bit again and, panicked, I began frantically grappling at the door latch, thinking only of reaching the surface. The door wouldn't open, but the window started to crack - though not the windshield - and I wondered how.

"When it finally shattered, I found I couldn't move again. The water hit me with such ferocity, and it filled up _so_ fast, the car. I was left stunned.

"And then I was in that dreamlike state again. My eyes closed. I found myself floating limply a bit as my body depleted the rest of my oxygen. …I don't remember the exact moment I died. The whole accident felt like forever, but in reality it was only a few minutes.

"The next thing I do remember is opening my eyes and finding myself in water again, but it was different. It was colder. I registered that, yet it didn't bother me. I was floating in the water, neither sinking nor rising. I was looking at my hands, wondering at how pale they looked. I couldn't even get myself to process anything else at that point.

"And then in my peripheral vision, I saw these tendrils of something. I looked over and it was you, your hair misting around your face. You were sinking right next to me, your eyes closed.

"For the most fleeting of seconds, I wondered if you were dead as well and if we were in some sort of strange purgatory.

"But then I felt - and it was _so _strong, the feeling, you've no idea how strong - that I _needed_ to save you, no matter what. With perfect clarity I knew it and I acted instinctively after. Nothing else mattered until you were safe.

"You were drowning. Almost dead. So I took you in my arms to stop your descent and pressed my mouth to yours to give you air. I didn't know if I even _had breath_ anymore. Certainly I found myself underwater and yet lacked the need to breathe. But again, it was instinctive. I knew I could breathe for you, whoever you were, if only because you needed it. As soon as I was satisfied you would survive a few moments longer I swam us to the surface, faster than I knew I was capable of.

"I expelled the water from your lungs when we broke through to the air. I took you to shore. You weren't waking but I wasn't worried. I felt that you were safe now. I stared at you a while, forgetting my own predicament for the time, wondering who you were and why you were so important. You might recall me interrogating you about that when we met in your school cafeteria that first official day after…

"I realize it now though, Bella. Why." He took a deep breath.

"I know I'm not...alive." He swallowed thickly. "And I can't give you everything I should...that you deserve. But know now that...I died _for _you. I died because if I hadn't, I never would have been able to meet you, to fall in love with you. And believe me now when I say that is worth _everything_. Even my life. Especially my life."

"It's a roundabout way of saying it, I suppose, but …I love you Bella," Edward finally declared, eyes clear and determined.

The tears that I had been withholding through most of his tale finally spilled forth, and with a sob I threw myself into his arms, kissing him soundly. "How can I not love you?" I murmured helplessly against him. "It's impossible. Obviously, we were made to."

"I agree," he whispered.

I had so many questions now that I knew the truth. But they were going to have to wait for some later. I didn't mind delaying them anymore, not for this.

We didn't have to say anything, though that didn't stop us from time to time. This was innate for us. Edward's hands dragged my clothes from my body as I discarded his, and now that I understood the coolness of his skin it bothered me even less and excited me even more. The contrast was heavenly when our bare skin was pressed together.

There was no pain. No discomfort. The French phrase "_la petite mort" _flashed through my head at one point. And it was true, if death was easy, beautiful, and perfect. As Edward's lips caressed me and our bodies loved one another, I would've known he felt as I did even without his declarations, just by the way he touched me.

We were meant to do this. We were _supposed_ to be together. There was no other way this could feel so _right_. There was no denying it, not now, not ever.

Everything else flew from my head. In this moment, here, with him, everything disappeared except for us, and I had never been more grateful to be alive, now that I knew he had saved me.

* * *

For once, I didn't fall asleep. Despite all the hectic events of the day, and only the short rest I received on the ride back to Seattle, my exhaustion had been siphoned away to be replaced by a complete rejuvenation. I felt cleansed, revived, and most certainly awake.

The answers I was getting now wasn't how I ever imagined obtaining them. Instead of the ferocious interrogation I had envisioned in the past, this was relaxed, easy. Edward stroked my back slowly as I laid across him, my own fingers making patterns on his skin.

"I want to know everything," I murmured to him. "You told me a more simplistic version of the truth before. You said you wandered around the country after you saved me? And then went back to Chicago?"

"Yes," he replied. "For my…" he shuddered. "Funeral. Could we talk about that later? I'm actually feeling happy for a change."

"Okay." I kissed him. "And then you came back to Washington? And found Alice and Jasper?"

"Yes. This past summer. After I left Chicago again, I initially came back here, looking for you, looking for answers - but you were gone. I kept being drawn to the south for a while after that, a nagging sort of thing I was too stubborn to acknowledge - and I suppose it was because _you_ were there that I felt it. But I felt uneasy in the sunlight. It's easier to cope with being invisible in the shadows. But then it switched, and the compulsion to come back here was too strong to ignore. I guess I knew you were coming.

"Alice was the one who found me. I was walking around Seattle, trying to decide on a course of action - and trying to _explain_ my own actions - when all the sudden Alice showed up and started talking to me. You have to understand how shocked I was. For five years I'd gotten accustomed to the fact that nobody could see me and then - then suddenly, my whole perspective was shaken. Alice explained to me that she knew what I was, that she was in love with…one of us herself, and that they wanted me to stay with them."

"How many ghosts are there wandering around exactly?" I asked.

"As far as we know, not many. Obviously, Jasper is the only other one I've met."

"So Jasper is dead as well," I mused aloud. I supposed it made sense. The crazy Alice rumors were sliding into place, although obviously not the whole story.

"How did she find you?"

Edward grinned down at me. "Do you believe in psychics?"

I sighed. "After my crazy life, I don't what _not_ to believe in anymore."

"Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say she's a psychic, per se, but she definitely has some powers of precognition. Very strong ones. I'll let her explain herself in more detail though. She could do it better."

"All right." I took a deep breath. "And then, what came next?"

"I suppose you did," he said, looking at the ceiling. "I thought about you often. It was obvious you were the link to what had happened to me, but I didn't know how or why."

I snorted. That sure sounded familiar.

He continued, ignoring me. "Every time I thought of you, I had this flash of a swan peeling off a lake in my head. I had no idea _what_ it meant. It's apparent now that it was a clue.

"Sometimes I would talk to Alice and Jasper about my story, and I had mentioned that particular image before. So, when Alice began college and came home the first day talking about the girl whose last name was Swan and who wasn't afraid to touch her - "

"Wait," I interrupted, sitting up. "People don't like touching Alice, either?" I had never realized that.

"It's an uncomfortable feeling, touching a ghost, or so it appears," Edward explained. "People avoid it instinctively. Obviously, neither of you are dead, but…you have been touched by us. What we don't understand though, is that it's a little bit worse for you than for her."

"What do you mean?" I asked, intent.

"People _will_ touch her bare skin, though it's hardly enthusiastically. They don't shy from her, though, the way they do you."

I sighed, burying my head in my hands.

"I'm sorry," Edward murmured. "We have theories about that too, and the conclusion is that it's my fault."

"It's not your fault Edward," I said clearly, looking him straight in the eyes. "Now that I understand why…it doesn't bother me so much. I just always thought it was because I was a freak."

He smiled sadly. "Even if it's not my fault, I am most certainly the cause."

"What are your theories?"

"We _think_…it's because I gave you my breath. There was a substantial part of my essence inside of you."

I pondered this. "So you think…it was just because of heavy quintessential contact?"

He nodded.

I thought some more, before I blushed. It was still valid, no matter how embarrassing. "But Alice and Jasper…obviously, erm, they've had…heavy contact as well. And yet you say that people still react differently to her…"

"Yes, well, certainly there are some flaws to the idea," he conceded. "We don't really know _why _it is the way it is."

I was silent for a minute, digesting that, before I waved him on. "Okay. Continue."

He drew in a breath. "Anyway. So Alice came home talking about you, and it wasn't just that you weren't shy to touch her that got her attention - she has come across anomalies before - but that fact that _she_ had trouble touching _you_. She described it as a resistance, a sort of barrier - and recognized it as someone who's been touched by a …by one of us. She put the pieces together, and came home crooning her own praises that she had discovered my long lost singer, as she likes to refer to it as.

"I was skeptical, and to be honest, angry. I saw you as the person who had damned me to this life. I didn't want to believe you were here again because in all truthfulness - I hoped I'd never see you again. Alice wouldn't leave it alone though, kept badgering me about it, and a week later I gave in to her demands. I came to see if it was really you.

"Alice has always been very strange to me, such an anomaly herself. My contact is obviously limited to a small number of people. I know Alice is still alive, and she can see me, but I truly believed that she was the only one who could.

"I was shocked when you turned around that first day and starting mouthing to me, looking me straight in the eyes. It was even more poignant than the first time Alice showed up in front of me because it was _you_, the cause of everything. I thought I was the only one to be affected by all this, which always added to my anger towards my abstract version of you, but then I saw that you had been touched just as deeply.

"I was in conflict then. I hated what I felt you had done to me, and yet…I was relieved, to know that you, such an integral part of my predicament, were able to see me, hear me, touch me, when few else can. I'm solid to you, _for _you_, _but to most people…I would go right through them. After you confronted me in the lunchroom, I realized I needed to lose my anger towards you if I was ever going to get to the bottom of all this. If I was ever going to know, _why you._ Which would then explain, _why me_, or so I hoped.

"That first night, I watched you outside your window. I was planning on searching your room, learning more about you - "

I interrupted him. "Wait. You watched me outside my _window_? I'm on the second story! How did you manage that?"

He grinned. "I'll show you later kitten. Can I go on?"

I nodded, still discontented at this new mystery.

"But I was distracted. You were having a nightmare, tossing and turning. You were so…vulnerable. That's when I really lost my anger. Suddenly, I was unsure if I even should know why I saved you. You were so innocent…I wondered if I should just be glad I did and leave it that.

"You might remember I didn't come around again for another week."

"Hm," I huffed. I most certainly did.

"That's because I wasn't here. I traveled. I went back home, to watch over my parents, contemplate things. Maybe I should leave you alone? I considered. But my own curiosity wouldn't settle for that. I had to come back.

"At first I headed toward Seattle. But I began to feel off. It was like needle in a compass again. It said I should go farther north. Before I knew, I was back in Forks. And there you were, in your father's house, sleeping. I was struck again by how vulnerable you were, how much pain you seemed to be in. I couldn't stand for it. Without thinking, I found myself holding your hand. You woke up then, and I had to go. But I couldn't deny anymore that I couldn't just leave you behind.

"So then I began to get to know you. I attempted to keep my original mission in mind - to find out your significance. But though I tried to keep perspective, I was failing. I couldn't help but be drawn in by you. So I tried to stay away as much as I could - as you know, it was never more than a couple of days - and when I was around you I tried to act normal but - I was falling deeper than I'd ever planned or even imagined.

"But because I was falling for you, my concern for your well-being increased. I already told you that people react more severely to you than Alice - and I know the cause is me, somehow. Contact with…a ghost is what made you so untouchable to the living world, and I feared that my continued presence in your life would give you no hope for recovery. And not just my own contact - Jasper is every bit as dead as I am, and Alice is involved in this world as well.

"Bella, I never wanted to hurt you by leaving, or asking them to stay away too. I realized I was in love with you, and that I wanted what was best for you. I knew it wasn't me. In fact, I'm still not sure I'm what's _best_ for you…but regardless, I can't leave again."

"You _are_ what's best for me Edward," I told him, feeling blazed. "You make me happy. You made me feel touchable again - and don't say that you're to blame for it either, because without you I wouldn't be here right now. And more than what you do for me, _you're_ such a good person. The only thing that was wrong with my life before was that I was alone. And I'm not anymore. That's what it's all about. That's what's good for me. You're not going anywhere again Masen," I warned, poking his chest.

He took my hand, kissing it. "I wouldn't dream of it Swan. Not that I can sleep or dream anyway."

It felt like I'd said this so many times today. "_What_?" My questions were far from over.

**

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So, a big, _**big**_** thanks to Placebo, because without their song **_**Sleeping With Ghosts**_**, this story never would have happened. It was the cornerstone for my inspiration, the first little plot bunny that arrived. It's grown a lot since then, but without this song, this wouldn't exist. So thank you Brian Molko, for your creative genius! It was really the line, "Soul mates never die," that caught my attention. "Hm…" I said. **

**I'm so sorry for the wait! There's no excuse really, except my own distraction. This chapter was a great deal of work though…but I'm finally happy with the result. I understand if no one is reading or cares about this story anymore. It's been enough time to forget all about it.**

**The ongoing play list for this story resides at the bottom of my profile.**

**Cheers! If you do still care, I'd love to hear from you! Also…*crosses fingers*…I have a new supernatural story up called** 'The Cure**'. **

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


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